Traveling Unmanned

As I walk along the path, the night air nips my skin

My pace is fast and steady can’t help trying but to begin

Thinking of all the things that press down on my heart

A voice keeps nagging at me “you were doomed from the very start”

My heartbeat pulses against my ribs I can barely catch my breath

It’s as though I’m running away from life, life and love and death

All these things all at once I feel like I am drowning

I look up at the moon and I’m sure I hear a vicious howling

I stop dead in my pace, all of a sudden tightly I wind

There is no beast here present, the noise is in my mind

I’ve worked myself to such a state that I can barely breathe

I notice that I’m crying and wipe my cheek off with my sleeve

All this angst and all this worry weighs heavy on my mind

I’m sure when I started walking it was for answers I would find

But Now I’m in a panic and I don’t know where I am

I slowly turn around to figure out where I began

I’m lost and cold and out of breath I fall down to my knees

I see the moon disappear behind a cloud behind some trees

I stay like this, weeping, heaped upon the ground

Surely this is no way, for answers to be found

My heart rate slows I take in air it stings my beating chest

I realize I feel helpless, even though I do my best

Life is still so fucking hard, there’s still so much to bear

And I can’t find escape from it not here not anywhere

I slowly make my way back home, slower in my pace

My head feels cloudy and out of control, it’s not a healthy space

I dream of peace and all it brings and wonder if I can

It feels as though I’m on a train, traveling unmanned

Letters to a stranger

Dear Dad, I know I never met you, you’ve never been in my life

You barely knew my Mother not your girlfriend nor your wife

But I have so many questions, some things I’d like to know

I wonder what you look like what your job is where you go

From day to day the people you see and those who you surround

I wonder why you never came to see me, why you never came around

It makes me wonder if there’s always been a fault under my skin

But logically I know it’s not me I just don’t know where to begin

My Grandpa once told me that I have my Father’s eyes

And I’m pretty sure things Mum said about you were nothing more than lies

She’s scared of me finding you and I can’t help but wonder why

I wish you would have said hello so I could have at least said goodbye

It feels as though there’s pieces of me scattered all over the place

I wonder what I inherited from you and if I have your face

My hands are small, are they yours, did they come from you?

All these questions unanswered, I just don’t know what to do

Somehow I miss a person, I’ve never even met

My Mother says you’re evil, you took drugs and liked to bet

But my Mother let bad things happen, nothing did she do

Yet she tells me you’d be bad for me, the bad parent would be you

I just wish that I could see you once and maybe get some answers

I just want to talk to you I promise not to badger

But surely you can understand I feel I’m missing part of me

I’ll never know why you disappeared but waiting I will always be

Undeserved affliction

I hear his car pull in the drive

I run to my room and try to hide

I don’t yet know of his demeanour

But yesterday he was certainly meaner

Than I’ve ever seen before

He knocked me down onto the floor

I remember it in flashes and stills

He’s been out drinking he’s had his thrills

I turn off the lights and lay silent

I hope he’s too tired to be violent

I hear him yell from the door

Please God I can’t take much more

Thud thud thud, his boots up the hall

I hear him fall against the wall

He swears as he corrects himself

It looks like the beast will show itself

I hear him crash against my door

I hold my breath and count till four

On five he falls into my room

And in the air I sense my doom

He stumbles over and grabs my hair

I scream for help but no one’s there

He smiles as he yanks me from my bed

Punched first in the stomach, then in the head

I try my best to fight him back

He laughs at me while my tears they track

Down my swollen cheek so red

He kneels down and hits me again in the head

I feel so weak against his might

What did I do to warrant this fight

Somehow time starts to speed up

Soon he will have had enough

He kicks me as he calls me shit

Tells me I’m not worth one bit

He wouldn’t drench me if I were on fire

He kicks my side and starts to tire

I lay on the floor, weeping and heaving

Soon enough he stumbles, he’s leaving

I’m bruised and battered, left for dead

Help was the only word I’d said

But somehow he made me believe

I deserved the things he did to me

Open eyes and open mind

Just because something’s different doesn’t mean that it is wrong

Just because a piece doesn’t fit your puzzle doesn’t mean it doesn’t belong

We all have different hearts different souls and different minds

If you stop to care and question many answers may you find

Tall or short big or small white or black or other

We could be so happy if we just accepted one another

Our differences aren’t things of which one should be ashamed

Your opinion isn’t something for which you should ever be blamed

For what makes us different is what make life interesting and true

So I challenge those who think that way, watch the actions that you choose

And the words you speak to those you deem inappropriate

For if we were all the same the world would be grey and disproportionate

If you approach this world with an open heart and with an open mind

There’s literally untold treasures that you will be able to find

Beauty lies in different forms and it’s truly all around

But only when ones eyes are open can such beauty be found

A world of me and you

The sun pierces through the blinds, painting railtracks on your skin

I softly nuzzle against you, take a breath and hold you in

Your sweat smells sweet and your body amazing by light

If this were a battle I’d have lost the fight

But angst is not present here I’m at peace by your side

Thoughts of last night flash, of when you were inside

I’m taken back to moments of pure and utter bliss

You mutter in your sleep as though your dreams have gone amiss

I gently stroke your hair and whisper “baby it’s ok”

A smile crosses your lips as though you know what I have to say

I watch you quietly as a mouse your breathing in and out

A surge of love washes over me, the sudden urge to shout

Shout from rooftops or to God above ‘thank you for this man’

Instead I smile quietly and for the day I plan

For I know you’ll be beside me in whatever it is I do

For years it’s been and years to come, a world of me and you

Angry fists and broken plates – a reading

This is a reading of my poem angry fists and broken plates

If it shows up as “download” just click on the title and on my page there will be an audio bar, no download.

Peace 🙂

Angry fists and broken plates

Somebody cares

I’m getting an understanding of honesty and the peace it brings

I’ve finally knocked down my walls and opened up, my heart it sings

I spent years and years internally confined

Trying to convince myself that everything was fine

All that time chewed up inside and hiding all my pain

Holding my secrets like treasured kept me all wrapped up in chains

But finally, somehow, I dug deep down within

And found the strength to tell my tales, this battle I will win

Now I try to offer an ear to those

Who seemed stuck in their own true woes

I see others still wrapped up all tight

I want to help them with their fight

Happiness doesn’t just appear, it’s something we need to earn

I had just accepted depression but for joy I always yearned

If we all try just a little, to help with others pain

Then we’ll all be one step closer to being healthy calm and sane

Feeling alone is the catalyst to so much isolation and despair

So if you see someone hurting, try telling them that you’re there

Sometimes all we need…..is to know somebody cares

To make a place that’s home

It makes me sad to see others hurting and alone

I wish I could make you believe it’s ok, you don’t have to do it on your own

But we all build walls around us, we think it keeps us safe

But walls also keep things in and others out, it’s such a waste

We miss many opportunities to connect with one another

You don’t have to be born of blood to be a sister or a brother

If we share our stories unburden our pain

Each others trust and friendship we gain

But walls are all around us, keep us tightly locked away

We whittle away the years, avoiding what we dare not say

So maybe it’s something to consider, something of which to think

Next time you’re feeling all alone and desperate, on the brink

Pull down a few bricks and male a hole for others to peek through

Then we can really help each other, so let the world see you

I know it takes a little trust and sometimes trust is sparse

But we have more in common than you think, all you have to do is ask

There’s no point feeling isolated, feeling all alone

When we can help each other, to make a place that’s home

Sometimes it feels like i’m pissing up a flagpole

Yep, i references ferris bueller, but honestly, that’s the most accurate analogy i could think of. I try my best to be friendly with people, i try to maintain my friendships and be kind to my friends, but sometimes it seems like no matter what you do, people will shit on you. My biggest problem is this, if someone does something wrong, fair enough, we all make mistakes, but don’t just blank me out and pretend you’ve done nothing or nothing happened, that’s what my Mother always did all those years she let me get abused and I can’t stand it in my adult life. If i fuck up, it may take me a little while to realize because i am human and flawed, but i will always throw my hand up and say hey, i’m sorry, i fucked up. Some people either don’t think they’ve done anything wrong, or just don’t care to rectify things.

A friend keeps saying we’ll catch up, and it never happens. Now, I’m not losing any sleep over this but why keep calling and texting me to arrange things only to keep cancelling? And i’m not just talking about once or twice, this has literally happened 9 times in a row now, i’ve not seen her for months, and she can’t understand why i’m bothered in the least. I dont want a pleading apology, no pity party here, just a bit of acknowledgement that her actions are a bit out of order and she’s continually wasting my time.

I’ve had another issue but I wont go into it ’cause i still don’t understand what happened with that friend, but i thought we were good, i thought everything was fine, then BAM, nothing, locked out as it were, and i’m just sitting here wondering, wtf. My initial inclination is to suspect that i’ve done something wrong, but i know for a fact i’ve done nothing to this person, so i don’t understand why they’ve not said a word to me.

Sometimes i feel like giving up on people and not trying anymore, that i’m just not a really relatable likeable person, and that’s why people act how they do, I just don’t know. I am definitely feeling a tad sorry for myself but i’m just frustrated, this is literally the best version of me i can be and it still doesn’t change how people treat me.

The departure of romance

She watches him while he sleeps

My love is mine to keep

If he left I don’t know what I’d do

But it’s ok, my love is true

Months go by, she watches him less

I love my man, I try my best

There’s just the odd thing here ‘n there

But it’s ok it’s enough to bear

Months go by she doesn’t watch at all

But so deeply in love did both of them fall

He used to make her stomach jump

She’d see his face her heart would pump

Faster and faster just seeing him

But now those feelings are growing dim

He didn’t call me once today

I guess he just has nothing to say

She decides to just keep silent

No need for some big argument

Months go by now she can’t stand

The little details of this man

The noise he makes while he eats

Makes me want to tear and beat

I want to slap across his face

When did romance leave this place

They start to argue, constant fights

They’re happening now, every night

She’s had enough she screams and shouts

And of the house she throws her man out

Months go by, she starts to cry

She realizes she forgot to try

She was still in love, it just changed

Romance settled and she became enraged

She thought that less attention meant he didn’t really care

But love was still present just less time was there to spare

Now she’s filled with regret

Over lost love does she fret

She wishes she had let things go

Oh all the things she wishes she’d known

But these mistakes we all must make

True love is patience, give and take