mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

My pretend love affair

You smile as you pass by me in the hall

My stomach clenches then it falls

The smell of you left on the breeze

I feel myself falling with the greatest of ease

But I must keep it quiet, my secret to keep

I wish that I could kiss those lips and watch you while you sleep

I wish that I could run my hands, all over that skin

I wish that you would want me too so all of this could begin

But I will keep my mouth shut, and simply smile at you

For if I told you how I felt I’d not know what to do

If you didn’t feel the same way, if you shot me down

I’ll keep us just in my mind, running circles round and round

I dream that you stare me down and swiftly pull me tight

You whisper in my ear that the time is finally right

You feather kisses down my neck and onto my plump breast

You lay your face on my chest and make my nape your nest

We undress with anticipation and burgeoning fire and lust

We stare at each others naked bodies, aching with our lust

And then we’re in the throws of passion bodies stark and bare

And you know where and what to do, oh yes you thrill me everywhere

I imagine the climax of you and I, the look in your beautiful eyes

As you writhe and push and pull, do your work between my thighs

It’s amazing what things we do, safely in my head

If only I had the courage, to get you in my bed

 

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Be a lover

Beneath the skin and flesh and bone, we are all the same

But due to expectations some feel inadequate and plain

Others feel not smart enough, not witty or not bright

Others don’t feel they fit in, they never feel quite right

We shuffle past one another, looking at our feet

Before we even wage a battle we often accept defeat

Rely on a diagnosis as a reason not to try

On our illness we get comfortably numb and on this we rely

Let’s start to look each other in the eye as we walk by

Let’s ask each other how they’re doing, can I help you try?

In small steps we can amount, and truly make a change

Let’s not get stuck for ever but help each other turn the page

Let’s connect and truly care and show vulnerability

It’s not the easier path to choose but it’s the one of sensibility

To input a little good, into this messed up world

Together we can emerge from our pain and become unfurled

I know it seems an impossible task, the world seems too far gone

But one by one the little things can change what’s really wrong

We can’t obtain world peace but we can certainly help each other

So let’s make an effort to turn around, don’t be a fighter be a lover

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Traveling Unmanned

As I walk along the path, the night air nips my skin

My pace is fast and steady can’t help trying but to begin

Thinking of all the things that press down on my heart

A voice keeps nagging at me “you were doomed from the very start”

My heartbeat pulses against my ribs I can barely catch my breath

It’s as though I’m running away from life, life and love and death

All these things all at once I feel like I am drowning

I look up at the moon and I’m sure I hear a vicious howling

I stop dead in my pace, all of a sudden tightly I wind

There is no beast here present, the noise is in my mind

I’ve worked myself to such a state that I can barely breathe

I notice that I’m crying and wipe my cheek off with my sleeve

All this angst and all this worry weighs heavy on my mind

I’m sure when I started walking it was for answers I would find

But Now I’m in a panic and I don’t know where I am

I slowly turn around to figure out where I began

I’m lost and cold and out of breath I fall down to my knees

I see the moon disappear behind a cloud behind some trees

I stay like this, weeping, heaped upon the ground

Surely this is no way, for answers to be found

My heart rate slows I take in air it stings my beating chest

I realize I feel helpless, even though I do my best

Life is still so fucking hard, there’s still so much to bear

And I can’t find escape from it not here not anywhere

I slowly make my way back home, slower in my pace

My head feels cloudy and out of control, it’s not a healthy space

I dream of peace and all it brings and wonder if I can

It feels as though I’m on a train, traveling unmanned

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Undeserved affliction

I hear his car pull in the drive

I run to my room and try to hide

I don’t yet know of his demeanour

But yesterday he was certainly meaner

Than I’ve ever seen before

He knocked me down onto the floor

I remember it in flashes and stills

He’s been out drinking he’s had his thrills

I turn off the lights and lay silent

I hope he’s too tired to be violent

I hear him yell from the door

Please God I can’t take much more

Thud thud thud, his boots up the hall

I hear him fall against the wall

He swears as he corrects himself

It looks like the beast will show itself

I hear him crash against my door

I hold my breath and count till four

On five he falls into my room

And in the air I sense my doom

He stumbles over and grabs my hair

I scream for help but no one’s there

He smiles as he yanks me from my bed

Punched first in the stomach, then in the head

I try my best to fight him back

He laughs at me while my tears they track

Down my swollen cheek so red

He kneels down and hits me again in the head

I feel so weak against his might

What did I do to warrant this fight

Somehow time starts to speed up

Soon he will have had enough

He kicks me as he calls me shit

Tells me I’m not worth one bit

He wouldn’t drench me if I were on fire

He kicks my side and starts to tire

I lay on the floor, weeping and heaving

Soon enough he stumbles, he’s leaving

I’m bruised and battered, left for dead

Help was the only word I’d said

But somehow he made me believe

I deserved the things he did to me

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Angry fists and broken plates – a reading

This is a reading of my poem angry fists and broken plates

If it shows up as “download” just click on the title and on my page there will be an audio bar, no download.

Peace 🙂

Angry fists and broken plates

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The one who was meant to love me

Mother you were meant to keep me safe from harm

When he came at me you were meant to disarm

But you couldn’t be found anywhere

And after the damage you’d avoid my stares

All those nights you heard me cry

I needed you but you didn’t try

Instead you hid and let them harm

Your baby by your lover’s arm

Now that I am grown

You don’t call me your own

They hurt me so much I cracked

You say it all happened behind your back

So all the violence left scars

And you were never very far

So I wont wear a smile for you

You feel sorry for yourself is what you do

What an ungrateful child you had

From the day she was born she must have been bad

She should thank you for all you’ve done

You taught her to drink and how to have fun

Some children would kill for that

I just want my childhood back

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Screaming from the inside

I want to scream and shout

I want to get it out

The pain seeps to my bones

I’m convinced I’m all alone

And this way I shall stay

Until my dying day

I want to tear my skin away

I want to find the words to say

I want to find my slice of peace

I want to calm this inner beast

I want someone to understand

How it feels when it’s all crammed

Deep down into all your spaces

Darkness fills in all my hidden places

I try to shine a light down there

But more able am I to see the despair

There has to be an end to how I feel

When pain is all you know it’s all that’s real

Someone put my soul to sleep

Find me joy that’s mine to keep

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Into the fold – a reading

This is a reading of my poem “Into the fold”
If you’re browser says it’s a download just click on the title and on my page it’s an audio bar.
Peace 🙂

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Round and Round

Sullen and sad, my mood it sways

Circling ’round, hours and days

Bleed into months, I’m sure it’s been

Since last my joy was seen

Up and down, my heart can’t stand

Another trip of round and round

Circles I trace in steps and bounds

A glimpse of joy, I’ve suddenly found

So fleeting as these moments pass

My happiness escapes me fast

The more I feel the more I try

To make those feeling pass me by

I bathe in sadness, hide in pain

Then happiness is here again

And so I go, round and round

Is there any peace in this illness to be found?

But glimpses here and moments there

I face them with a most dubious stare

Inspect each feeling as it comes

It’s just too much, I’ve got to run

I feel so much I need to dull

The ache inside this incessant skull

I hope and pray that I one day

Find happiness that’s here to stay

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Under thumb

You are the cut on my lip I keep tonguing

You are the shadow from which I keep running

You are the bright that blinded my eyes

You are the paradox I had to deny

You reached down deep inside me, made your home beside me

You ran and then came back, but by then my heart was black

You pushed and pulled and tangled me

Your love was drenched with insanity

You played your game of hide and seek

You broke my spine you left me weak

In your dark I found my light

Rubbed my eyes and restored my sight

I found the strength to break away

But you still found a way to always stay

Just within my line of view to remind me how I wanted you

Every time that I moved on

You pushed back with your familiar song

Now it’s been years I cannot fight

You stole my darkness, stole my light

One day you’ll call and I wont be there

Until that day, please don’t you dare

Don’t pull me back into your game

I may still care but I’m not the same

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