I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Traveling Unmanned

on July 5, 2013

As I walk along the path, the night air nips my skin

My pace is fast and steady can’t help trying but to begin

Thinking of all the things that press down on my heart

A voice keeps nagging at me “you were doomed from the very start”

My heartbeat pulses against my ribs I can barely catch my breath

It’s as though I’m running away from life, life and love and death

All these things all at once I feel like I am drowning

I look up at the moon and I’m sure I hear a vicious howling

I stop dead in my pace, all of a sudden tightly I wind

There is no beast here present, the noise is in my mind

I’ve worked myself to such a state that I can barely breathe

I notice that I’m crying and wipe my cheek off with my sleeve

All this angst and all this worry weighs heavy on my mind

I’m sure when I started walking it was for answers I would find

But Now I’m in a panic and I don’t know where I am

I slowly turn around to figure out where I began

I’m lost and cold and out of breath I fall down to my knees

I see the moon disappear behind a cloud behind some trees

I stay like this, weeping, heaped upon the ground

Surely this is no way, for answers to be found

My heart rate slows I take in air it stings my beating chest

I realize I feel helpless, even though I do my best

Life is still so fucking hard, there’s still so much to bear

And I can’t find escape from it not here not anywhere

I slowly make my way back home, slower in my pace

My head feels cloudy and out of control, it’s not a healthy space

I dream of peace and all it brings and wonder if I can

It feels as though I’m on a train, traveling unmanned

3 responses to “Traveling Unmanned

  1. crissybwell says:

    *hugs* I am sorry for these feelings! I hate how out of control it gets and feels sometimes. I hate, hate panic attacks, they are horrible! You express so well your feelings and emotions, it feels as though they leap off the screen. I understand that “unmanned train” feeling but we are in control more than we think of our emotions. Remember you are safe and you will get through. The bad, the darkness, the moon that hides behind a cloud, does come out again, you will see the light again, always. Supporting you!

    • mckarlie says:

      Thank you lovely, I appreciate the support. I think we all experience panic in one way or another at least now and again, I’m learning to deal 🙂

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