I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

I remember

on July 8, 2013

I remember staring at the pink skirting in my bedroom

I remember the look he’d get on his face as I’d sense my own doom

I remember the sinking feeling when she’d call to say she was late

I remember knowing that this meant the most unfortunate fate

I remember him telling me he worked so hard that I was his prize

I remember him heaving against me till I bled between my thighs

I remember how angry he got when he caught me in his study

Bent over his work desk as he thrusted making me bloody

I remember the fire in his eyes when he came for his claim

I remember the noises he’d make, whenever he came

I didn’t know what he was doing as it happened to me

But I knew that something wasn’t right, I sensed depravity

I remember him covering my mouth to muffle my screams

I remember the heat off his body as he wiggled and he reamed

I remember the friction burns I’d get all up my legs

I remember how angry he’d get if I bothered to beg

I remember every little thing, that man did to me

Like it was yesterday, I remember with such clarity

The monster came and the monster had his meal

The monster never considered how the little girl would feel

The monster always got his way and once he’d had his fill

The monster would remind me not to tell – “you know the drill”

19 responses to “I remember

  1. luciddream85 says:

    Do you know if his karma ever came full-circle on him? *sighs* I hate sick, psychotic abusive men. I hope that bastard enjoys hell.

    • mckarlie says:

      I have googled him but all I can find is an online resume, he seems to have a good paying job but moves around a lot. I just hope he never had any of his own children after my Mother left him, I don’t wish that hell on anyone, but then Mum picked another winner after him, he’s still due his karma as well :\

  2. I have a very similar situation, my mom’s bf as well, but he didn’t get as far as the scum that hurt you, and my situation didn’t allow me to get my justice at the time, but I am happy to say that, although another child was hurt after me, she was able to get him arrested and he sits in a jail in the middle of the hot desert now. Not for nearly long enough though…..

    • mckarlie says:

      I’m sorry to hear that, no child should be exposed to these things but it happens all too often. Did you get some closure knowing he’s locked up? I personally have to have faith that he deals with his demons daily and at least part of him knows what damage he’s caused

      • I did get some closure but there are definite residual effects from it all it anyway, and knowing he’ll get out again all too soon makes me worry for future children he crosses paths with. I do believe their demons follow them, even if they don’t realize it now – they will when they’re in the fiery pits of hell facing the ultimate judgment.

      • mckarlie says:

        Yeah I have residual issues, I went from being quite sexually provocative to wanting to cry every time I did it, abuse really does mess you up for a very very long time. Not to mention after that my second stepfather abused me physically mentally and emotionally then my mum chose him over me and abandoned me as ‘too much’ to deal with. I’ve been putting the pieces back together for a long long time 🙂

      • Our stories are all too similar. Before my mom got her head on straight, she married the asshole. We too are on the long road to recovering our relationship since she finally pulled her head out of her ass. (Mostly) LOL 🙂

      • mckarlie says:

        Haha yay! Has she apologized? I moved back to Australia 6 years ago and haven’t seen my family in 3 1/2 years. He was still abusive to me when I got back from England, she made the same promises that he would change. We tried to have a relationship but she’ll never accept any fault, she blames it all on me so I can’t be around her

      • No apology yet, and I’m not sure if that will ever come, but I had to decide a while back that I would have to do without it if it didn’t. Letting go of that expectation actually helped me move forward quite a bit. It was like that decision alone released some of the baggage I was carrying.

      • mckarlie says:

        Yeah I’ve let go of an actual apology but she refuses to acknowledge ANY wrong doing, and i just can’t have that, I can’t stand her blaming me for being ‘difficult’ when the only reason i was difficult is because of the way she raised me and the abuse i was exposed to. Does your Mum accept her part in what happened? Any signs of remorse?

      • I think she blocks out the specifics, and is in denial. She’s a severe alcoholic… I think she beats herself up everyday, whether she knows it or not.

      • mckarlie says:

        It must take great strength on your part to be building a relationship with her, i respect that greatly. My mother had a bad relationship with alcohol but from what i hear she’s not been drinking much of late, i still sporadically see my 19 year old half sister, so i hear bits n bobs. She’s still miserably married to my second abuser.

        How are things going with your Mum? Have you been in contact long? I wish I had your resolve

      • We didnt speak for a long time, but these days we speak at least a couple times a month. It can be hard at times, but I am very frank with her now and I dont let her hurt me while I stand by any more. I think thats been the most effective

      • mckarlie says:

        Yeah I’ve considered trying over the years but I’m still quite angry, I think I need to just write her a letter outlining my feelings and the actuality of the situation and just let it sink in for however long it needs to, and if she contacts me after that we’ll see. She did contact me around christmas time saying she missed us and wanted to fix things but when i said that if we try to fix things we can’t have anymore of the bitching behind everyone’s back and the nasty passive aggressive toxicity, she didn’t respond to that so i gave up. good on you for trying though, i’m sure it means the world to her that you’re giving her a chance, at least it should mean the world to her!

      • I hope you two can come to a good resolve one day, but remember how the anger can be just as toxic. Whichever way it goes, continue to do what it is that makes you feel the good you deserve to feel inside. That’s what keeps us strongest.

      • mckarlie says:

        Yeah I’m going to write the letter one day soon and then try to finally move on from all my negative feelings about my mother, it’s only holding me back. I actually wrote a post questioning whether I’m holding onto the anger as the last tie I have to my family.

        Keep me posted on how you go finding a doctor and therapist 🙂

      • mckarlie says:

        Anger is also a natural step in healing, I spent a long time being a victim, now I’m not but I need to take my time with each step, like I learned when I studied counseling, you can’t hurry yourself and if you have an emotion, feel it, explore it and figure it all out. My anger isn’t toxic it’s part of my healing

      • You are absolutely right about that!

  3. Chagall says:

    Peace. —–Chagall

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