mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Lost and Unsure

I have this pain inside my soul

And my heart it has a gaping hole

I try and try to fill it up

But nothing seems to be quite enough

I fall so far I can’t see day

I fall so deep I lose my way

I wish that I could figure out

What this life is truly about

I try to be kind and share my love

I’ve tried to be aloof and watch from above

 

I have tried all different ways

To make it through my twisted days

But it feels like I’m lost in an endless haze

 

I hold onto pain from my past

I worry for all of my days it will last

All I want is love and family

But it would seem it’s not destined for me

I need to know what I’m about

I need to let the grief flow out

But I lock it down deep in my heart

I want to heal but don’t know where to start

One day I hope I’ll find the peace

And soothe the inner savage beast

That haunts me from the inside out

It tears me up it, I hear it shout

I cry out for some piece of mind

I hope and pray one day I’ll find

25 Comments »

Little Tree

I sway in the wind like a limp little tree

Watching as the world passes by me

I sink my roots deep down in the ground

Searching for things that cannot be found

Searching for something to heal my pained mind

But a limp little tree, such things cannot find

I wave around for someone to see me

I stretch out wide and high in futility

Silently screaming for someone to hear

And maybe plant a little tree somewhere near

It’s been winter for a thousand days

After a while you run out of ways

To find the things you need

To find the food to feed

But someone came and watered me

I burst with life and strength instantly

I’m still just a limp, little tree

But now I have some fight in me

4 Comments »

Burn it down

I am a puzzle with pieces askew

I am a knot that you cannot undo

I am the voice you hear in your bed

You are the void that creeps in my head

I was a child when you broke my bones

I was a child when you left me alone

I was a child when you threw me away

I was a child with no words I could say

Now I am grown I don’t fit your mold

Now I am grown I am strong I am bold

I will not wither and wilt under your will

You will not take from me your fill

You did your damage long ago

I’m full of secrets no one knows

Crimes that you have committed

Tales you’ve never ever admitted

But now I have my own loud voice

And with it I have found my choice

I will not hide and I will not be quiet

I will burn it all down, I will start a riot

Your house of lies you carefully build

Your dishonest palace you carefully filled

With perfect pictures and memories fair

You will not find me anywhere there

I live out here in light and truth

And while you may have taken my youth

You cannot touch me on this day

For I have found my own damn way

5 Comments »

Falling Flower

Her beauty is obvious to all who gaze upon her

She likes her pretty things and has a collection of fur

She has a high rise apartment with city views afar

When you walk down the street with her she leaves mens jaws ajar

One day I noticed on her arm a trail of hand made cuts

She noticed that I’d noticed and made her ifs and buts

I wondered why this beauty, who could turn heads with a smile

Would feel so out of control, somehow see herself as vile

She told me next time I saw her that it was rape that began her pain

And that her Father left her, she had never been the same

She wears a smile for the world to see because she feels it’s best

She says people are nicer to her as she’s prettier than the rest

What would people think if they knew she had her flaws

She’s scared that showing vulnerability will somehow close down doors

I told this pretty flower what is inside makes it’s way out

And if she keeps hiding her pain so deep she’d break, I had no doubt

She assured me that she had control and only did as she chose

She couldn’t let the world see that inside she’s broken and morose

I tried to break the shell outside to pull out what was hidden

But after time and time again I learned it was forbidden

So imagine how sad it was to hear the most heartbreaking news

That apartment with the fancy furs and amazing city views

Had a balcony, up high above – oh what a choice to choose

10 Comments »

I wish I could believe in God

So many people I interact with on wordpress have faith, they have a relationship with God and talk often of it. I grew up in part raised by my Grandparents who were deeply religious people, especially my Grandfather, though they went to separate Churches, my Nan went to a quieter Uniting Church (under the anglican banner) and my Grandfather went to a lively Baptist Church. I was even a Sunday school teacher for a while, and believed in God without doubt. All the while, I was being abused by my Stepfather, I was being abandoned by my Mother and losing all my friends. I always felt like I was letting the side down when I was at Church, I saw all the godly people having these great personal relationships with God and I just didn’t feel it. So somewhere in my mid teens I became agnostic, I came to believe there could be a spiritual being out there, but I don’t believe there is an omni present God. I learned of all the contradictions in the bible, that being gay was a sin, so were many other things i consider to be normal parts of life. The bible was written thousands of years ago when life was very different, it was written by people who looked at the Romans and thought their ways sinful and wrong. It was written about Jesus by people who didn’t meet or know Jesus. And yet people base their whole lives on this book.

Don’t get me wrong, I fully respect everyone’s right to believe in God and I respect faith, it takes great strength to have faith in something that there is literally no proof of, and I’ve studied enough psychology to know that a collective reality is comforting to people, without God a lot of people would feel aimless and would break knowing that there may be just nothing, that when you die it’s possible you just die, that’s it.

I believe there are many great messages in the Koran as well as the Bible, be kind to one another, do unto others etc, and I try to live by these standards, but I just can’t bring myself to believe that God exists as the Church would have you believe, that if he truly loved us as much as he is meant to, that he would allow all of this suffering and pain that goes on in this world. I know as a parent, I give my children free will but if something was hurting them or someone was hurting them, there’s not a damn thing on this earth that could keep me from intervening. I also know that people are born Gay, it’s not a choice it’s just how a person is, it’s as natural as a man loving a woman, it doesn’t directly result in procreation, and the Romans were into it, so it must be bad….right? No. It’s not a sin.

I hope I’ve not alienated people, I genuinely wish I could believe in God and have faith. I recently started a friendship with a religious man who I thought was a good man, he got me thinking that God might truly be watching over me, but when he turned out to be a sleaze, it made me believe in God even less than before I knew him. I was the one that kept asking him to tell his wife of our friendship and he was the one that kept saying he couldn’t, yet in the same breath he’d speak of his love for his Lord. BLAH!

Anyway, just my thoughts. I’m sure faith is a great comfort to those who have it, and if God does exist and I’m wrong, I’m ok with that, I just can’t believe as things are.

23 Comments »

Fallen Star

The moment that I realized, when I found out you had died

I had to wear a brave face but it was on the inside that I cried

It had been a long time since you and I had spoken

And when I last had seen you we’d left so many pieces broken

We made some peace and laid, side by side in the sun

There was a good portion of my life I thought you were the one

But you were the first to taste my love the first to go inside

The first to do a lot of things, we’d plans I’d be your bride

No one told me of the accident, you’d fallen from a cliff

I had a feeling something was wrong but I was shunned on a tiff

Now you visit in my dreams almost every night

I wonder if it’s really you or me trying to put things right

To redo things with me and you, find a happy ending

But you were gone so long ago, no hope for us of mending

I hope you are in heaven or somewhere you are free

Of all the things that trapped you in life, this brash insanity

All the things that kept you caged now can’t hold you down

I hope in death there is some way your peace was finally found

6 Comments »

Not a bad day

Everything kind of climaxed yesterday, a few friends have flaked on me lately (real life AND wordpress ones) and things were very icy with hubby, it’s when things get like this that I tend to spiral, i end up in my own den of woe and instead of clawing up the walls (i got an image from labyrinth then for some reason, when she’s falling and all the hand face things are holding her) i tend to just let myself fall, into a pit of despair.

This time i monitored myself a little more, decided that i can’t control what my friends do and if they want to be douchey then fair enough, i think i’m a good person and ultimately they’ll miss out on what i have to offer. I spoke to husband maturely and with humility and we worked things out, brought it back from the brink. I’m still kind of bummed about my friend situation but there is something about me that drives a lot of people away, maybe i’m overbearing, maybe i care too much and it’s weird, who knows, i still have my good friends and very little could shake those friendships, so i’ll just be thankful for what i do have and try not to bitch out over what i don’t or could.

I saw a dermatologist this morning as i’ve had another flare up of psoriasis (happens from stress and during winter, went nuts when i lived in england) and he’s started me on UV treatment which i feel really positive about. I’m about to have lunch with my best friend and i found her a beautiful bone china three tiered cake stand that i think she’s going to LOVE, and even better, i went to pay $30 for it and it scanned for $20! Oh how i love a bargain, it gives me a weird little thrill, i’m such a geek lol but it’s true, it’s the little things, right?

So, as much as the depression is nipping at my heels and i’m certainly not as ‘up’ as i was a couple of weeks ago, i’m trying my utmost to stay positive. I see my psych doc tonight and i’m hoping he’ll increase the dose of one of my meds which i believe will help pull me back up again, i’m already on quite a high dose so i don’t know how it will go but fingers crossed.

I hope everyone else is managing to stave off the darkness too! Peace

12 Comments »

Not so merry go round

I’m in the throws of deep despair

I cry out silently but no one’s there

I can’t tell them what’s going on

I can’t tell them how it all went wrong

So I stay silent, screaming inside

In my own pain I bathe and abide

I want someone close but push them away

If I had the chance I’d not know what to say

Help me please, make me feel something other

Help me please, be a friend or a Mother

I just need this pain to end

I just need this ache to bend

then all of a sudden, I pull myself out

I’m positive again, I scream and I shout

I’m hIappy now and I try to help others

I’m happy now, you’re all sisters and brothers

I feel like I could fly, let’s maybe write a play

There’s so many things I can do in just one single day

The memories of pain they quickly fade away

And I feel amazing I’ve found my voice and words to say

Suddenly again, the sadness starts to creep

Suddenly again, all I want to do is sleep

If I’m not awake then I can’t feel the pain

Oh God it hurts so much I wont ever be the same

Just breathe, just breathe, and quiet the angry voice

Just breathe, just breathe, don’t make the final choice

So round and round and round I go

Up and down and round I show

On the not so merry go round

Will true peace ever be found?

 

4 Comments »

Bipolar makes relationships so freakin hard

I think it’s the bipolar, i’m sure within myself i see the grey area and am fairly open minded, but bipolar can make things very black or white. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, we have been struggling a bit of late, but the last few months have been really great. I have been trying my absolute best and hardest to make things work and he has been putting in a lot of effort too, but when something comes up and i try to talk to him about it, i get a brick wall. He turns things around and tries to make me the bad guy, i’m not trying to make anyone the bad guy i’m just trying to talk, but i don’t know how much more i can take of this, we haven’t been on truly steady ground for a while now and i wonder just how far down the rabbit hole i’d fall if he wasn’t around. But I don’t know how much longer we can tread water, something’s got to give.

I think my bipolar has affected me in a way in which I am going to be a lonely person, people don’t flock around me as i share my opinions too freely, i don’t edit myself enough i just say what i think, and i can understand how this puts people off side. i have a handful of close friends but there’s only so far a friendship can go, there’s only so much of each others shit you will put up with in a friendship, so yeah, i’m feeling pretty alone.

He’s sitting out there in the lounge right now with the kids, i can’t bare to be in the same room with him at the moment because it makes me want to cry, so i’m hiding away in the bedroom writing and watching tv. Surely my kids have sussed that something is wrong, we usually all do things together, i don’t know what to do.

I’ve cancelled plans we had for today because there’s no way either of us can put a smile on our faces and make it through a social occasion, we aren’t even talking to each other i don’t feel like talking to everyone else and pretending everything is great.

I wonder if i was born with bipolar or if all the messed up shit that happened to me caused it, part of me thinks it’s the latter and i get angry at the people that did those things to me when i was young. i get angry at my mother for letting it happen ’cause now i’m a broken human who can’t make relationships work and who feels completely isolated from the world. Anyway, just my rant, it’s best to get this stuff out.

12 Comments »

Trying blindly

I feel as though I’m invisible no matter how much I try

I feel as though I’m laughed at and it makes me want to cry

All I want to do is help and heal each others pain

But most they find me odd you see as I don’t play the game

I don’t say one thing to a person’s face, another behind their back

I don’t act passive aggressively and pick up others slack

If I have a feeling or a motive I feel I make it clear

This isn’t the kind of person that most people want to be near

I feel a little sorry for myself yes I guess it’s true

But it’s only because all I tried to do was simply to help you

And people either back away or take until you’re spent

I’ve written so many letters which will always stay unsent

I want to share my feelings but I stop and make a track

‘Cause once you share a feeling there’s no way to take it back

And I have learned that most are best when inside goes unsaid

Most people just want chit chat, their life to be unshared

So I will keep on trying and hurting as I do

If you know someone who sounds like me, they probably just care for you

So maybe you could try a little bend and open up

“Cause if you keep it all inside then one day you’ll have had enough

You’ll look around to find a friend to find an open ear

And maybe when that time does come such a person will be nowhere near

 

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