mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Do dreams die from reality?

I’m 33. When I was younger I had many plans, travel, become a psychologist at some point, buy a house. I hadn’t planned on having a family, didn’t have any interest in having kids and when I was 19 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and told I’d need assistance to get pregnant.

So, I rent, I have two kids and a man of 13 years, i have partially finished 3 different bachelor degrees and am nowhere near buying a house because they cost at least half a million these days. I have given up on having any kind of extraordinary existence and seem to be treading water. I consider it a win when I have a day where I don’t feel utterly shit about myself, I have definitely settled.

Yesterday on Ellen there was a 64 year old woman who has just swam from cuba to the florida keys, she was banging on about inspiration and never giving up and the cynic in me cringed a bit as she spoke of her woes, but part of me was desperately jealous of this older woman who is out there kicking arse and not giving a shit about conventional boundaries. It made me think that maybe there is still time for me to be something awesome, maybe I can have an extraordinary existence. But then I quickly shoot myself down, reminding myself that I am afflicted with bipolar and basically that means I can have buckets of good intentions, but when a depressive episode hits everything stops. Study, relationships, life in general just goes into pause mode and I try to just survive.

Part of me thinks that I just need to keep writing novels until one of them is really good, but then I’m so neurotic that finishing a novel is almost impossible. The one i’m working on now has interest from a friend’s literary agent but that ultimately means nothing, it’s not a guarantee of anything happening, it’s just potential and at this rate who knows if I will actually finish it because I keep over analyzing details and whether I should have written in a certain character before killing them off or if I should have started from the impact of their death and blah blah blah. You get me, I procrastinate.

Do you still have dreams? Do we get to have a mental illness and aspire to be great? Or do we just settle and try to survive?

Advertisements
27 Comments »

Stuck in the mud

Logically, I know it will get better. Logically, I know that the despair I feel right now will pass. Logically I know that things will change. There is little room for logic in the tormented mind, there is nothing but haze and darkness and tears, so many tears. I have been a champion for positivity so many many times, but right now I feel so low that I don’t exactly know how to myself. One step forward, two steps back, three steps forward, two steps back and so on i dance with my guilt and sadness, my own emotional carousel that I want so desperately to get off of.

I guess being bipolar means that there will never truly be an end to the dance, just harder bits and easier bits good bits and bad bits, which is much like life for every single person out there. I know I’m not alone in my grief, I know there are many others out there feeling just as low, or even worse than I feel right now. It brings me no solace. More than anything, I feel utterly alone, hence I decided to write. I decided to write not for sympathy or a pat on the back but for myself, it’s the best tool I have to figure things out and I can’t keep swallowing my sadness in hope it will pass through me, I need to feel it and stare it down and shine a light on it and analyze it. I need to take it all apart so I can put it all back together, and this is the best way I know how.

I keep replaying mistakes I’ve made and reliving the guilt and negativity associated with them. I play things over and over in my mind, bathing in the murky puddles. I would make myself a martyr if I had any real strength, but right now I’m empty and alone. I know there are people that love me, people that need me, and that does (on paper) make a difference, but not in my heart. Usually the people I care about prop me up and keep me positive even when things are hard, but when the chemicals wont do what the chemicals are meant to do I end up like this, a lump of bitter despair. I don’t blame the people that damaged me in the past, I blame myself. I convince myself that I deserved all the things that were done to me and that this is not just PTSD and depression, it’s me and i’m fucking broken.

This too shall pass, and it is not my intention to bum anyone out, I just had to confront what I’m feeling at the moment, and what better way than this eh?

15 Comments »

I’m baaaack!!!

Hello my lovelies. As you may well know it’s been a few months since I have posted. Unfortunately I spent some time in hospital, then after coming out we had issues with our internet and got fed up with our ISP so we changed to a different company who then screwed us around for 8 weeks. Then we found out the place we’ve been renting for five odd years is about to be sold so we decided it wasn’t worth getting the internet back only to pay an exorbitant fee to move it to a different address so i got myself a dongle to access the internet. It’s a bit like going back to dial up but at least I can do basic browsing and keep in touch with all of you dear souls.

So, the last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster for me and the family. My hospitalization was crazy and intense but after I came out I was deeply inspired and started writing my novel. I’m still not done but happily I have interest from my friend’s literary agent already so I’m feeling really positive about that. It’s my first full novel, I’ve started a lot of projects over the time but such is the bipolar mind that many tasks started go unfinished, but this has been a labor of love. While I was ill i spent nearly every possible moment I could reading, that was always my issue with being a ‘writer’ – i wasn’t sure of my identity as such, could never decide on exactly how i wanted to write and what message i wanted to purvey. After reading dozens of books and spending time with some of the most amazing ‘characters’ i’ve ever met in the hospital, i finally had a clear voice and started with my story outline and started to fill it in. I wont go into the details of it at the moment but I’m feeling really positive about the work. I know so many people who want to write just so they can call themselves a writer, and I suppose I can understand that but I find it brings me more joy than anything else in life (aside from my lovely kids of course) – i’ve been writing poetry and songs and short stories since i was a wee one and it always pours out of me and provides such catharsis.

Now, my Mother. We have had our ups and downs over the past few months but I’m most pleased to share that things are going quite well. Writing that letter was the best thing I could have done, and I’m so pleased I didn’t send the first version of it, the one laced with disdain. She is still a passive aggressive nut but her heart is in the right place and she knows she let me down in the past and has been trying her absolute best to make it up to me. She still has a bit of denial as to just how much she neglected me when I was younger and some of the atrocities that happened under her watch, but there has been SOME acknowledgement from her and even that is a miracle and more than i could have dreamed of. We are both flawed individuals and have realized we need to cut each other some slack. I do admit I get pangs of jealousy when I see her interact with my half siblings, but i’m also delighted that she saw the mistakes she made with me and corrected them with my siblings, she has been a much better mother to them than she was to me but she was 13 years older when she had my sister than when she had me and she had a partner there unlike with me, albeit a drunk partner but still, she had a bit of support. So my sister is 20 now, my brothers 18 and 17. It’s been so lovely spending time with them all, we are slowly rebuilding the relationships we lost over the past few years I hadn’t seen them and they are really sweet and quirky people. We’ve even taken to having Sunday roast dinners at Mums, how very domestic and functional of us! Unfortunately my Stepfather is still drinking, and my Mother is still miserable in their marriage, but I don’t think either of them is capable of the change it would take for them to be truly happy together. It breaks my heart watching my mother scrimp and scrape money together because he is spending hundreds a week on alcohol. He has had a long history of being caught drink driving and recently got his license back after losing it for 12 months and copping a rather huge fine. Because he is a consistent repeat offender he now has an interlock device attached to his car, is that how you spell it? I don’t know, I’m only aware of them because of some reality show I occasionally catch on telly. Basically, it’s a breathalyzer built into his car, and he has to blow into it to start his car and if he has any alcohol on his breath it wont operate. It also gets him to do random breath tests while driving, and if he doesn’t breathe into it it causes his horn to start beeping and his lights to start flashing and then once the engine is off it wont start again. It’s demoralizing that it’s taken such an extreme measure to ensure that he doesn’t drink while he drives but it is what it is, he got into an accident when he was about 20, he was drunk and driving in a rural area with his then girlfriend and he crashed. She passed away and I think he’s been trying to drink away the memories of that ever since. It’s such a shame because he’s almost two people, sober he is a very quiet and kind man who works hard and loves kicking the soccer ball around with his grand children or picking tomatoes with them in their garden but when he’s drunk he’s an absolutely vile creature full of hate and vitriol. I will never forget the abuse I suffered at his hands but I have finally forgiven him because it was eating me up inside and holding onto it just wasn’t worth it. I think it will always hurt a little but I had to let go of the hate, and slowly healing has started to occur.

Anyway, that’s the highlights. I have really unreliable internet at the moment but will be checking in with as many of you as I can. I’ve missed interacting with you lovelies. Peace xo

17 Comments »

My own little miracle has happened

I know some people know the story of this, but to give a brief run down: I haven’t seen my Mother in years, we had a falling out and I felt really disappointed by her because she let a lot of bad stuff happen to me when I was a kid and then alienated me from her ‘new’ family. She met my second stepfather when I was about 10, great things hadn’t happened with the first, she dated a fair bit between stepfathers but then she met Mark and within a few months we were spending every weekend with him as he lived a fair way away and didn’t drive, we would pick him up every friday and then drive him home sunday nights.

My stepfather has a bit of a jekyll/hyde situation happening. When he is sober he is a quiet man, quite respectful and would help anyone with anything, when he’s drunk he’s a feral nightmare, and he drinks every day. He singled me out often and we would have violent fights, he would knock me around and verbally attack me. It wasn’t super fun.

I realized through therapy a couple of years ago that I didn’t deserve this treatment, for years I had made excuses for my abusers, saying I was a difficult teen and that I was a nightmare to deal with, but during therapy I realized that no child deserves abuse and I matter, that even if  I was difficult it didn’t make the abuse ok. After this, I got pretty pissed off at my Mum. I didn’t really blame my Stepfather, he has a disease and will never stop drinking, he has issues and I can’t hate him for having a disease, like I said it’s confusing but he’s a nice guy when he’s sober so it makes things with him complicated. However, I felt my Mother had a duty of care and she had failed me terribly, so I got mad at her.

Fast forward to a few months ago, I had heard bits and bob through mutual friend and the like and basically my family were claiming that I was crazy for just cutting them all off and they were all innocent bystanders while I cut them out of my life. So I wrote my Mother a letter, the first one I wrote I sat on for a few weeks not sending it, then my therapist helped me realize I hadn’t sent it because it was too angry, and I realized I didn’t need to be angry at her I just needed to ask why, and how she could let her child be abused and then force me out of her family. I felt abandoned by her and then as an adult, I felt that I could never do anything good enough. (fot perspective she visited us in england 3 weeks after my daughter was born by c section and then came home telling people my toilet wasn’t clean enough and i didn’t sweet the kitchen floors enough, i mean shit i could barely walk after complications from the csection but by all means bitch about my floors lol)

So I wrote this letter saying how sad it made me and how all I ever wanted was a mum who loved me and had my back. How disappointed that I was that she let me get abused and instead of standing up for me she edged me out of my family because she chose my abusive stepfather over me.

Fast forward to this week. Part of my bipolar is that I can spend without thinking sometimes, and with christmas coming I went and got presents when i really should have waited for our next pay and now i’ve left us quite short on funds for the next couple of weeks. My Mother called me at the start of the week to ask how I Was doing and i told her about how short i am and how it’s just annoying when the bipolar sets in and i bust my budget. so out of nowhere she turns up at my house with a bunch of groceries for my girls and she gave me a tearful, genuinely beautiful apology for the way she has treated me and the things he let happen. I think the groceries were a guise, an excuse to come, but i think the gesture was sweet. I still have money to get us food but i wont say no to a few snacky things for the kids.

So here we are, both of us in tears, her finally acknowledging how much she’d hurt me and APOLOGIZING! i couldn’t believe it. I’ve never actually wanted to bear a grudge I just couldn’t let go of the pain that was deep inside me. I was maddened by my family claiming i was the one in the wrong and not accepting any responsibility, but finally we are moving forward. I just needed her to say sorry and actually mean it, and she really does. We have spoken a few times this week and things are going well, we both realize that things aren’t going to instantly be just ok, that we need to talk things out and work on them before we can have a mother daugher relationship, but we are on our way and i’m both surprised and deeply deeply happy that things have turned around. She’s been really supportive and understanding of my bipolar and how it can cause me to act, she has after all suffered depression herself for most of her life, so we have been bonding over that.

She wants to bring more groceries which I have told her is unnecessary but I think the gesture is her trying to make amends and I can understand that, it’ coming from a good place so I’m going to let her feel like she’s helping because it will make her feel important like she’s helping me, and i can tell she’s truly sorry and ‘helping’ me in her mind makes her feel a bit better.

I didn’t think my Mother and I would be able to arrive on the same page but with complete honesty and a bit of time to heal old wounds, we are working on the future and how we can move forward. I feel like the hole inside me is slowly filling up with love and good things instead of despair and emptiness, it’s such a lovely feeling. We have a long way to go, but if we can do it then anyone can.W

8 Comments »

What effect do you have on others and do you give a shit?

I’ve recently been taking more chances, I stepped out of my comfort zone and pitched a few articles for a mainly mens site as they advertised for writers. The way it works is they have a forum, with different threads and areas for different stages of pitch and editorial. You post your pitch to the thread and then a moderator or administrator responds with feedback on how it could be improved and then it gets discussed at their meeting and either more feedback is given or it moved forward for publishing.

The problem with this forum format is that every man and his dog has access to your pitch, and there are some heavy egos in play in this place. They have a “karma” system where people give and take karma depending on whether they like what you say, I’ve been a member for just over a week and i’m currently minus 7 karma, haha! It’s all because I dared be a female with an opinion. I made a pitch, albeit not my best work but I was just having a crack, and a few douchebags jumped all over me. They were really harsh about it and basically were begging for moderator approval themselves. The fact is, they aspire to be a moderator and feel they should give ‘advice’ when the fact is they haven’t even had any articles published themselves. Crazy right? One of them came in and told me the title sucked, the material is overdone and my sources were shit. I said hey, that’s pretty harsh and a shitstorm erupted.

Since then, there have been some lovely people comment on the post and some really truly terrible people comment on the post, and it makes me wonder – how much do we think/care about how what we say and do affects other people?

My main issue with the site was that the “advice” i was being given was done so in a belittling fashion, he then claimed that he was just a writer trying to discuss ideas with another writer but that isn’t what happened. It’s about their egos, and let’s remember how hard it is to create something and put your ideas out there AT ALL, it’s horrifying lol and to have people be SO negative about it is just unnecessary.

I’ve noticed most people tend to fall into one of two categories – some people are self aware and think about how they affect other people, and genuinely care. This is not to say they don’t mess up sometimes and hurt other people, but generally they tend to be mindful of people’s feelings and keep a track of how they make people feel. And then there’s the people who have self esteem issues and feel it necessary to bring others down to make themselves feel big and strong. They come in swinging their big opinions round like a dick in the wind and make sure they let you know that they’re better than you somehow.

How many people do you know that are the latter? It’s not something that’s specific to men, women do it just as much but in this particular scenario I’ve been dealing primarily with men. It’s their boys club and I’m a crazy emotional bitch for standing up for myself.

I often muse over why we can’t all just get along, I’ve written quite a few posts about this. I truly believe if we are all a little more self aware and try to care just a little more about others, than the world would be so much better than it is. Sure, we all have our issues, I’m bipolar, i have social anxiety and i was abused as a kid. I have self esteem issues and don’t feel good enough sometimes, but I try not to take that out on other people, i try not to make others feel small to make myself feel better.

Maybe you’re someone who does this but doesn’t realize, that’s why i think it’s important for all of us to take a step back sometimes and just think about how we act, how we treat people and what motivates us. That’s really key, what’s behind our actions? It’s what i’ve been using to try and combat my bipolar, sometimes it’s hard to draw a line in the sand and know what behaviours are mine and what behaviours are stemming from the bipolar, so i step back and analyze what and why, try to figure out if i’m being reasonable or if it’s my condition acting on my behalf. If we all did this, we would make more of a positive impact than a negative one, and just imagine how much nicer life would be if our interactions were more positive than negative.

12 Comments »

Doing things that scare you

I’ve spent a lot of my life making grand plans, wanting to do things but never quite doing them, or doing half of something. I place a lot of the blame on my mental illness, for years I was told I suffered from  “chronic depression and anxiety” but a year and something ago I was diagnosed as bipolar. So I do have a tendency to start something while manic and then trail off when a depressive episode hits, this has happened to me more times than I can count because when a depressive episode hits I can barely get out of bed or go to the shops to buy milk, but when I’m manic I feel like I can take on anything and often do.

So I’m 32 years old, I have half of two bachelor degrees, a few certificates not worth much and am currently working on another degree. I’ve been writing on and off since I was a child, starting mainly with short stories and poetry, then songs and poetry and essays. I recently completed a manuscript and showed it to a friend who now wants to pass it to their literary agent, something that scared the shit out of me. I’ve also been pitching ideas for cracked.com – not a site i read all that often but a friend showed me a link to writing for them and i thought it would be an interesting challenge. Since then I’ve been researching freelance writing jobs online, I’ve submitted a piece to a celebrity gossip site and had an offer to write for them. I did it more to see if i could, it only pays $25 an article and I’m not that invested in celebrity gossip lol but i wanted to know if i could.

I think when you have a mental illness so much of your energy goes into just coping, just existing, that the thought of putting ourselves out there, opening ourselves to possible rejection on a mass scale becomes a ridiculous fantasy. But I’ve decided I need to push myself, I need to do things that make me uncomfortable, otherwise another decade will pass and I will have little to show for it. I enjoy writing immensely, it brings me such joy and peace and gives me an outlet for the abundance of thoughts and emotions that are racing through my mind at any given moment, so why not push myself and maybe make some money at this? I know I’m not crap, but I also know I have a long way ahead of me, that I’m not yet the best writer I can be, but the only way I’ll get there is by doing it more and more, by experiencing trial and rejection and different types of writing and formats.

If you have a passion, I implore you to go for it. Don’t believe that success is for other people but not for you, I believed that for so long but now I realize, it CAN be for me, I just have to TRY. I have to be willing to accept the good and the bad and genuinely put myself out there. Follow your passion, restore hope to your life and really try. So what if you don’t become the best of the best, at least you’ll have given it a shot. When you’re old and grey do you think you’ll have more regret over the things you tried and didn’t succeed at than the things you never bothered to try at all? I have a feeling it will be the latter. I also know that a part of having a mental illness is accepting a fate of misery, but it doesn’t have to be that way, if you do something you love you’d be surprised at the effect it can have on your well-being in general.

So I’ve decided to let my friend show my manuscript to his literary agent, if nothing else I’ll get some helpful feedback. It’s scary but exciting, and I’m proud of myself for finally trying. That itself improves my mood greatly, and hey, if I get negative feedback it will make me feel shitty, but that will pass, I’ll pick myself up and try again.

19 Comments »

Writing is an exercise in human insanity

Some people write because they want to be a writer, they think Hemingway is cool as fuck and want to be revered. So me people write because they absolutely have to. When they take pen to paper or fingers to keys things just pour out of them, their soul gets cleansed (not that I believe in a soul as such but it works in a hyperbole sense) and they feel a little better. I write because there’s so much going on in my brain that if I don’t let some of it out, i fear my head may explode. I write to connect with other people and gain experience through these connections. I write because if I didn’t, I’d probably go loopdiloo cray cray and get locked up.

This is not to say that what I write is of any great importance or that I have any great success but recently, on advice from a ‘writer’ i gave a manuscript to a friend who now wants to show it to their literary agent. This makes me batshit crazy nervous.

Also, I received a link from another friend to a link for a website looking for freelance writers, so i decided to submit a couple of pitches. The first didn’t take off as it was opinion based and I’m no one in particular so no one is going to pay me for my opinion. The second is factual and I sourced references and all that shit i remember from studying psychology, so i’m waiting to hear on it at the moment.

My point is, the waiting, the possible success/failure, it’s a mix of exhilaration and nerve wracking insanity. Maybe it’s because I’m bipolar that I’m particularly sensitive to this, but i’m pretty sure this is a crazy process for most who go through it. I’m also sure there are people out there who are super fucking zen about all of this nonsense, who send off their manuscript and clip their frickin bonsai tree and don’t give it a second thought until they receive word, well kudos to you, really, i wish i could, but i err more on the side of batshit anxious crazy.
 

Does it ever get better? I’ve been writing forever but it’s only recently I’ve started showing or trying at all in a professional sense. I’ve had good feedback in the past, but more than anything i do it for me, so i’m quite new to other people’s opinions mattering.

4 Comments »

Bitter devotion

I need you now like man needs air

You can’t be found but anywhere

I wait on your words and watch the clock tick

This piercing silence is making me sick

You know how much I want this and yet you stay so hush

And each day now that passes is one day one too much

 

You wield your power willingly, as you sit above

You place your mouth in places and make promises of love

Yet when I truly need you, you vanish into air

You know just what you do to me, this ache is mine to bear

Do you feel so tiny do you truly feel so small

That you lord my love above me, knowing you’re my all?

This feeling you call love, it brings me twisted agony

The waves are crashing violently, taking parts and chunks of me

I’m sure if I had sense left in me

An exit would be my strategy

But I follow your crumbs as you make your trail

This epic love is sure to fail

Leave a comment »

Just stop for a moment

Sometimes I feel like i’m standing in the middle of the world’s busiest motorway, cars whizzing and whirling past me, wind blowing me backwards and forwards in a violent sway. Cars honking at each other to hurry up or slow down or move over or move round, DOOF DOOF DOOF from the subwoofers that people install in their vehicles because standard bass just isn’t enough. Constant chatter from everywhere around me, negative thoughts and mantras stuck in my head like glue, my brain a gelatinous magnate that attracts such thoughts like flies to a corpse. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs ‘why can’t we all just get along’ – a thought to which people roll their eyes or turn up their turny uppy noses. We live in a world where if there isn’t a fight people will find one, even if you agree on a point a person can find a way in which you agree differently and thus have a problem with each other. When the fuck did everyone become so hard and unwilling to bend? When did we all become so concerned with our causes and making sure everyone knows our thoughts on our causes and bending others to our own will?

Some might say that life is hard and to suck it up and get on with it, but i choose not to live life that way. Life is hard, but life is also beautiful and amazing at times and if we could focus a little less on shouting our opinions and forcing our points and maybe listen to what’s going on around us, listen to what other people have to say, life would be less like grating a piece of steel wool and more like it’s meant to be. Maybe we could have more positive encounters than negative.

I don’t go out looking for a fight but if one is thrown at me I will defend myself accordingly. But the fact that I have to do this is taxing, social media has given people just the right amount of anonymity to purge their opinions and thoughts and feelings on perfect strangers and act as if it’s their given right. If the devil is real he created facebook, never has such passive aggression and general whining come together in one place in such a way that it makes me want to not have any “friends” at all. I’d rather watch my cat lick itself than spent an afternoon on facebook, it seems far more productive and much healthier for my social well being.

Some people are just intent on being negative, in finding the bad in any given situation. If that’s you, then FINE, be as you are, just don’t shit on my doorstep and call me a hippie because I give a fuck about other people. Roll your eyes and call me your names because it makes you feel better, it makes you feel like you have some semblance of control in what is in fact a big old cluster fuck of randomness and the only control we have is over ourselves, how we act and how we treat other people. What we contribute to society and what we take away is completely up to us, if people treat you miserably it’s probably because you are miserable. Given, I sometimes feel like I’m not treated fairly but then I realize I’m feeling sorry for myself and when I actually think about what is the root of someone’s motivation if anything it’s apathy as opposed to callousness. But we take exception and get offended over so many little things that we just don’t need to stress ourselves over.

The human brain exists in such a way that we used to have to fight for survival. Shelter, food, these things were never guaranteed, so as we evolved we had to be mindful of how to survive. Now, in today’s current society, most of us do have a roof over our head and enough food to get by so that part of the brain goes searching for something, and a lot of the time what it finds is a fight where there isn’t one. The urge to defend ourselves from something that isn’t an attack, the urge to be heard when all we need to do is speak, not scream and flail about like our lives depend on everyone hearing our thoughts.

I try to have positive experiences with people but sometimes it’s like pissing up a flagpost. Nothing good can come of it and you end up covered in your own pee. I do truly wish everyone could just get along but I have my brain stem connected and realize this is never going to happen, but I do genuinely think it could happen on smaller scales if people just chilled out, put themselves in the other person’s shoes and showed some grace and thoughtfulness when interacting with other people.

 

8 Comments »

How can we reach gender equality when we are not equal?

I saw a thing on tv this morning where they showcased a bunch of ads that have men, generally with their shirts off, being objectified in some manner. It makes me wonder about equality, i hear so many women wanting to be considered equal but then saying something like “i hate all men” or lusting over some muscle clad guy on tv. If men were to act this way, a lot of women would be outraged, when they ogle busty women we roll our eyes and consider them cavemen, if they were to blurt out ‘i hate all women’ we would consider them hostile towards our gender and damaged in some way, but it’s ok for us to do?

Generally, men are physically stronger than women, generally, women express emotion more freely than men, this doesn’t mean that it’s true of EVERY man and EVERY woman, but it’s a generalization with some truth behind it. It doesn’t mean that we are lesser beings because we struggle to get the lid off the jar sometimes, and it doesn’t mean men are lesser beings because they don’t express emotion as freely, it just means we are different, and if instead of competing and wanting to be ‘equal’ we accepted that we are different, both genders inherently have innate strengths and weaknesses, then maybe we could gain a little peace on this matter.

It’s true that in a professional capacity women are often paid less for the same job and are often overlooked for promotions for fear of them becoming baby making machines, but again this isn’t always the case, and it only affects a small percentage of the population, a small percentage of industries and job positions. It’s true, it sucks, but every decade that passes this is becoming less and less of an issue, there are some strong kick ass women out there in high power positions doing great work and paving the way, so i have faith that over time there will be equality in this field.

But do we really need to be equal outside of the work place? Equal worth as human beings, yes, of course!!! That should go without saying, the worth of every human should be the same regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, religion and so on, but why are we so focused on being considered the same in many ways that we simply aren’t the same?

When i see a woman say “I hate all men” or ogle a shirtless man and make comments that objectify him, i liken this behavior to that of what women expect an adolescent males to be. It’s true, sometimes a man will act like a jerk and hurt a woman emotionally, but at the very same time out there somewhere, a woman is hurting a man emotionally just as much. Does it give him license to declare that all women are assholes? Because I’ve heard many many women declare that all men are assholes and they see nothing wrong with doing so. Fact is, they’re not, all men are definitely not assholes, some are, some aren’t and some are sporadic assholes, but that’s true of every person. I can certainly be a raging bitch sometimes, but i’m also a kind and loving person, so if i heard a man declare ‘all women are bitches’ i would take exception to that, but you tend not to hear many men making such statements and the ones that do are in my experience, pretty pig headed and far gone yet i often hear perfectly intelligent rational women declare that all men are pigs or assholes or whatever, you get the gist.

I’ve been married for some time, and we are opposites. I’m good at some things and he’s good at others and instead of trying to compete with him I’ve come to love the things about him that he’s good at and he respects and loves the things about me that I’m good at. We realize we both have strengths and weaknesses and treat each other accordingly. He’s not great at talking about feelings or identifying emotional issues, so I pick up the slack in that area, I’m bipolar and have mood swings and can be oversensitive, so he shows patience and love when I’m acting unfairly.

When I was younger I expected much more of a man than I do now, I expected my every emotional whim to be met with understanding and respect but over time I have come to accept that it’s just not possible, we are different creatures and it’s ok, it’s not their fault if they don’t pick up on subtle or passive aggressive lady cues, ’cause what’s obvious to us is not necessarily obvious to them, So maybe if we just cut each other a break and respect that we have differences, and work with those differences, we can all get along a little better and understand each other with greater ease.

4 Comments »