mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Undeserved affliction

I hear his car pull in the drive

I run to my room and try to hide

I don’t yet know of his demeanour

But yesterday he was certainly meaner

Than I’ve ever seen before

He knocked me down onto the floor

I remember it in flashes and stills

He’s been out drinking he’s had his thrills

I turn off the lights and lay silent

I hope he’s too tired to be violent

I hear him yell from the door

Please God I can’t take much more

Thud thud thud, his boots up the hall

I hear him fall against the wall

He swears as he corrects himself

It looks like the beast will show itself

I hear him crash against my door

I hold my breath and count till four

On five he falls into my room

And in the air I sense my doom

He stumbles over and grabs my hair

I scream for help but no one’s there

He smiles as he yanks me from my bed

Punched first in the stomach, then in the head

I try my best to fight him back

He laughs at me while my tears they track

Down my swollen cheek so red

He kneels down and hits me again in the head

I feel so weak against his might

What did I do to warrant this fight

Somehow time starts to speed up

Soon he will have had enough

He kicks me as he calls me shit

Tells me I’m not worth one bit

He wouldn’t drench me if I were on fire

He kicks my side and starts to tire

I lay on the floor, weeping and heaving

Soon enough he stumbles, he’s leaving

I’m bruised and battered, left for dead

Help was the only word I’d said

But somehow he made me believe

I deserved the things he did to me

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Open eyes and open mind

Just because something’s different doesn’t mean that it is wrong

Just because a piece doesn’t fit your puzzle doesn’t mean it doesn’t belong

We all have different hearts different souls and different minds

If you stop to care and question many answers may you find

Tall or short big or small white or black or other

We could be so happy if we just accepted one another

Our differences aren’t things of which one should be ashamed

Your opinion isn’t something for which you should ever be blamed

For what makes us different is what make life interesting and true

So I challenge those who think that way, watch the actions that you choose

And the words you speak to those you deem inappropriate

For if we were all the same the world would be grey and disproportionate

If you approach this world with an open heart and with an open mind

There’s literally untold treasures that you will be able to find

Beauty lies in different forms and it’s truly all around

But only when ones eyes are open can such beauty be found

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Somebody cares

I’m getting an understanding of honesty and the peace it brings

I’ve finally knocked down my walls and opened up, my heart it sings

I spent years and years internally confined

Trying to convince myself that everything was fine

All that time chewed up inside and hiding all my pain

Holding my secrets like treasured kept me all wrapped up in chains

But finally, somehow, I dug deep down within

And found the strength to tell my tales, this battle I will win

Now I try to offer an ear to those

Who seemed stuck in their own true woes

I see others still wrapped up all tight

I want to help them with their fight

Happiness doesn’t just appear, it’s something we need to earn

I had just accepted depression but for joy I always yearned

If we all try just a little, to help with others pain

Then we’ll all be one step closer to being healthy calm and sane

Feeling alone is the catalyst to so much isolation and despair

So if you see someone hurting, try telling them that you’re there

Sometimes all we need…..is to know somebody cares

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To make a place that’s home

It makes me sad to see others hurting and alone

I wish I could make you believe it’s ok, you don’t have to do it on your own

But we all build walls around us, we think it keeps us safe

But walls also keep things in and others out, it’s such a waste

We miss many opportunities to connect with one another

You don’t have to be born of blood to be a sister or a brother

If we share our stories unburden our pain

Each others trust and friendship we gain

But walls are all around us, keep us tightly locked away

We whittle away the years, avoiding what we dare not say

So maybe it’s something to consider, something of which to think

Next time you’re feeling all alone and desperate, on the brink

Pull down a few bricks and male a hole for others to peek through

Then we can really help each other, so let the world see you

I know it takes a little trust and sometimes trust is sparse

But we have more in common than you think, all you have to do is ask

There’s no point feeling isolated, feeling all alone

When we can help each other, to make a place that’s home

14 Comments »

Locked up

Green is meant to be calming, so they paint the walls in green

But when you can hear the screams and cries it’s anything but serene

I can’t quite remember how my mind got so out of hand

But somehow now I’m locked away, this really wasn’t the plan

How is one meant to get well with the wailing all the time?

Surrounded by crazed misery, this place is not that of mine

I’m sick of people feeling sorry, so sorry for themselves

We’ve all had a shitty time of it, we’ve all been left upon the shelf

We all get down and feel worthless but between you and me

I think that staying in this place will conclude my sanity

At night the shrieks and screams, they chill me to the bone

The door is locked I have no phone I’ve never been so all alone

So only come here if you feel you truly may well die

If you only feeling down and blue, choose light, ’cause it’s not lie

The alternative is beyond what most would care to believe

Since the moment I arrived in this hell I’ve been desperate to leave

6 Comments »

Been up too long, waiting for the crash

Does it make me pessimistic or realistic? We added a third medication to my mix about 5 weeks ago and unlike any anti D before it, this one picked me up almost instantaneously, I’ve been good and ‘up’ for five weeks now and because i’m bipolar, i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and to turn into the miserable anxious git that i am when i’m down.

I’ve truly been amazed at my mood the last five weeks, i’ve been more patient, i’ve been writing so much, i’ve been more kind and loving, been having regular sex! once a week may not seem like a lot to most but after 12 years and the bipolar, i’ve had more sex in the last five weeks than i think i had collectively last year (my poor husband, he’s so patient).

I’ve started exercising again, been doing a couple of miles around the lake with a girlfriend then an extra couple laps on the weekend, started pilates as well, and this is what i do when i’m up. i’m go go go, i started at half eight this morning and at eleven thirty i’ve just sat down for the first time, i had to get a present for a birthday party my girls are going to this afternoon and in my mind it HAD to be an angry bird cause that’s what they requested so i ran myself ragged going to 5 different stores in many different places trying to find the perfect present, i mean this is for an eight year old, does she care that much? i guess i get a little obsessive about pleasing my kids sometimes, after the upbringing that i had.

does anyone else start to get worried when they’ve been in a good mood for ‘too long’? i don’t want to be a negative nancy but i’m really scared, i’m really scared it’s going to go away any moment now and i want to hold on to the productive, helpful, kind and fun person i am when i’m up, cause effectively i consider my up self to be my true self. when i’m down, i fret over every little detail of every thing that’s ever happened, especially at night, i lay in bed feeling guilty over how i treated someone ten years ago, or i worry about bills and other day to day nonsense, i get scared of everything, it’s like i’m made of glass, and any little negative thing makes me spiral into the deepest of downs. i hate myself when i’m like that, it’s like i start to believe all those times when i was a kid i was told i’m useless and worthless, it seeps out of every pore and i truly feel like a piece of shit.

Well, for now, i’m still good, i’ve only had one down day lately and that’s really something. so i’m just going to keep writing and getting it all out and hoping for the best, maybe this is my true self and the meds are just doing a really good job at maintaining that, who knows! fingers crossed!

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The one who was meant to love me

Mother you were meant to keep me safe from harm

When he came at me you were meant to disarm

But you couldn’t be found anywhere

And after the damage you’d avoid my stares

All those nights you heard me cry

I needed you but you didn’t try

Instead you hid and let them harm

Your baby by your lover’s arm

Now that I am grown

You don’t call me your own

They hurt me so much I cracked

You say it all happened behind your back

So all the violence left scars

And you were never very far

So I wont wear a smile for you

You feel sorry for yourself is what you do

What an ungrateful child you had

From the day she was born she must have been bad

She should thank you for all you’ve done

You taught her to drink and how to have fun

Some children would kill for that

I just want my childhood back

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Misunderstood hand extended

I listen to the rain as it patters on the roof

I watch the droplets falling as I feel cold and aloof

There is a chill in the air and I can see my own breath

I contemplate the big things like God, life and death

I wonder how many people, there are just like me

Treading the line so dubiously between sane and insanity

My skin reacts to the temperature with bumps and hairs on end

I wonder if the broken mind is something one can mend

I notice my breathing changes as I worry for what’s to come

I seem to be getting anxious that all my work will be undone

I spent so many years fighting memories of past

And found and unknown freedom in confronting it at last

But here I sit, cold and grim and stuck in my own mind

I refocus on the rain but again my troubles I find

They silently creep back in, the back door to my brain

And again it leaves me wondering, how far am I from sane?

One thing I have in common, with others just like me

Is that we feel detached from things, we are all lonely

I try to reach out and lend and ear, sometimes the gesture is met with fear

Or simply misunderstood intentions, I don’t do things by normal conventions

If I see another in pain, I reach out a hand to heal

But some seem to want to keep it in, just feel the way they feel

What can I do to change myself and help others around?

I know there has to be a way, a solution to be found

2 Comments »

Come my friend

Hello my friend come sit by me

And tell me of your story

I want to know all about it

So go on, let it out

We all seem to move in silence

Troubled by past pain and violence

The things that happen when we’re small

Follow us till we’ve grown big and tall

The seeds were planted long ago

Years later does the damage show

 

So come my friend, sit by me

I truly want to know your story

Horrors bury themselves so deep

That slowly out they tend to creep

We think that we are crazier than most

Haunted by past events like a ghost

But if we share with one another

We can share the same arbor

You don’t have to be alone in pain

More than you realize, we are the same

 

So come my friend, I really care

Come sit by me and really share

Maybe we can find some peace

Maybe the loneliness will finally cease

8 Comments »

Friend in time

So many people all alone

Shuffling past each other like the dead

People who feel like they’re not their own

In agony within their own head

Why can’t we help each other heal

Tell each other how we feel

Truly reach out and relate

Our loneliness would alleviate

But some people seem determined

To remain alone and burdened

When misery is all you know

It somehow becomes your own safe home

I want to reach out to the world

To help each other become unfurled

But some feel like it’s all too soon

Some just think I’m a raving loon

For trying to reach out, it’s not what I am about

I’m just a girl who’s sad

Who doesn’t want to feel so bad

Who wants to find a way

For all of us to say

What’s on our minds and share our pain

With help from others we can gain

Freedom with a little time

I’ll be your friend if you’ll be mine

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