mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Broken lover

If I had of known that would be the last time I’d ever see those eyes

I would have made an effort, I would have said goodbye

You kissed me on the lips, and said “I’ll see you soon”

I scoffed and said “we’ll see”, and with this sealed our doom

It felt like we were always fleeting moments here and there

We had good times in beds and bars but didn’t belong anywhere

This world had no place for the love of you and I

We kept telling ourselves we could make it work but knowing it was a lie

Your way of dealing with pain was to run and hide away

But by doing this you missed out on all the things I had to say

We never stopped for long enough to be comfortable with each other

You told me that you wanted to be more than just my lover

But when it came for actions, to back up all your words

I could not find you anywhere, sight unseen and words unheard

And so we danced our dance for as long as we could bear

And when I truly needed you, you weren’t there or anywhere

So I made the right decision, I chose to move away

You left me many messages with promise of another day

But while you remained frozen, stuck in the same place

I had found another love, a love of truth and grace

You tried and tried to bring me down

You tried and tried to pull me round

But finally I made the call and like a cancer cut you out

‘Cause all you brought was drama and that’s not what I’m about

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I remember

I remember staring at the pink skirting in my bedroom

I remember the look he’d get on his face as I’d sense my own doom

I remember the sinking feeling when she’d call to say she was late

I remember knowing that this meant the most unfortunate fate

I remember him telling me he worked so hard that I was his prize

I remember him heaving against me till I bled between my thighs

I remember how angry he got when he caught me in his study

Bent over his work desk as he thrusted making me bloody

I remember the fire in his eyes when he came for his claim

I remember the noises he’d make, whenever he came

I didn’t know what he was doing as it happened to me

But I knew that something wasn’t right, I sensed depravity

I remember him covering my mouth to muffle my screams

I remember the heat off his body as he wiggled and he reamed

I remember the friction burns I’d get all up my legs

I remember how angry he’d get if I bothered to beg

I remember every little thing, that man did to me

Like it was yesterday, I remember with such clarity

The monster came and the monster had his meal

The monster never considered how the little girl would feel

The monster always got his way and once he’d had his fill

The monster would remind me not to tell – “you know the drill”

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My pretend love affair

You smile as you pass by me in the hall

My stomach clenches then it falls

The smell of you left on the breeze

I feel myself falling with the greatest of ease

But I must keep it quiet, my secret to keep

I wish that I could kiss those lips and watch you while you sleep

I wish that I could run my hands, all over that skin

I wish that you would want me too so all of this could begin

But I will keep my mouth shut, and simply smile at you

For if I told you how I felt I’d not know what to do

If you didn’t feel the same way, if you shot me down

I’ll keep us just in my mind, running circles round and round

I dream that you stare me down and swiftly pull me tight

You whisper in my ear that the time is finally right

You feather kisses down my neck and onto my plump breast

You lay your face on my chest and make my nape your nest

We undress with anticipation and burgeoning fire and lust

We stare at each others naked bodies, aching with our lust

And then we’re in the throws of passion bodies stark and bare

And you know where and what to do, oh yes you thrill me everywhere

I imagine the climax of you and I, the look in your beautiful eyes

As you writhe and push and pull, do your work between my thighs

It’s amazing what things we do, safely in my head

If only I had the courage, to get you in my bed

 

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Letters to a stranger

Dear Dad, I know I never met you, you’ve never been in my life

You barely knew my Mother not your girlfriend nor your wife

But I have so many questions, some things I’d like to know

I wonder what you look like what your job is where you go

From day to day the people you see and those who you surround

I wonder why you never came to see me, why you never came around

It makes me wonder if there’s always been a fault under my skin

But logically I know it’s not me I just don’t know where to begin

My Grandpa once told me that I have my Father’s eyes

And I’m pretty sure things Mum said about you were nothing more than lies

She’s scared of me finding you and I can’t help but wonder why

I wish you would have said hello so I could have at least said goodbye

It feels as though there’s pieces of me scattered all over the place

I wonder what I inherited from you and if I have your face

My hands are small, are they yours, did they come from you?

All these questions unanswered, I just don’t know what to do

Somehow I miss a person, I’ve never even met

My Mother says you’re evil, you took drugs and liked to bet

But my Mother let bad things happen, nothing did she do

Yet she tells me you’d be bad for me, the bad parent would be you

I just wish that I could see you once and maybe get some answers

I just want to talk to you I promise not to badger

But surely you can understand I feel I’m missing part of me

I’ll never know why you disappeared but waiting I will always be

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A world of me and you

The sun pierces through the blinds, painting railtracks on your skin

I softly nuzzle against you, take a breath and hold you in

Your sweat smells sweet and your body amazing by light

If this were a battle I’d have lost the fight

But angst is not present here I’m at peace by your side

Thoughts of last night flash, of when you were inside

I’m taken back to moments of pure and utter bliss

You mutter in your sleep as though your dreams have gone amiss

I gently stroke your hair and whisper “baby it’s ok”

A smile crosses your lips as though you know what I have to say

I watch you quietly as a mouse your breathing in and out

A surge of love washes over me, the sudden urge to shout

Shout from rooftops or to God above ‘thank you for this man’

Instead I smile quietly and for the day I plan

For I know you’ll be beside me in whatever it is I do

For years it’s been and years to come, a world of me and you

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Angry fists and broken plates – a reading

This is a reading of my poem angry fists and broken plates

If it shows up as “download” just click on the title and on my page there will be an audio bar, no download.

Peace 🙂

Angry fists and broken plates

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The departure of romance

She watches him while he sleeps

My love is mine to keep

If he left I don’t know what I’d do

But it’s ok, my love is true

Months go by, she watches him less

I love my man, I try my best

There’s just the odd thing here ‘n there

But it’s ok it’s enough to bear

Months go by she doesn’t watch at all

But so deeply in love did both of them fall

He used to make her stomach jump

She’d see his face her heart would pump

Faster and faster just seeing him

But now those feelings are growing dim

He didn’t call me once today

I guess he just has nothing to say

She decides to just keep silent

No need for some big argument

Months go by now she can’t stand

The little details of this man

The noise he makes while he eats

Makes me want to tear and beat

I want to slap across his face

When did romance leave this place

They start to argue, constant fights

They’re happening now, every night

She’s had enough she screams and shouts

And of the house she throws her man out

Months go by, she starts to cry

She realizes she forgot to try

She was still in love, it just changed

Romance settled and she became enraged

She thought that less attention meant he didn’t really care

But love was still present just less time was there to spare

Now she’s filled with regret

Over lost love does she fret

She wishes she had let things go

Oh all the things she wishes she’d known

But these mistakes we all must make

True love is patience, give and take

 

 

 

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You let me down

You convinced me that it was all my fault that you were never there

You had me believing it was my doing, the reason you didn’t care

You let your men abuse me, however they chose to do

And the blame you’d place on anyone else, anywhere but on you

They tell you to move on, forget and learn to forgive

But you fucked up my childhood and sometimes it’s barely a life I live

I spent months cooped up in my house, all sad and alone

All because when I was small you brought violence into our home

You focus on all the bad things, that I have ever done

You convince yourself I was just a rotten kid, your fault in this is none

You think yourself above me and in you’re so deep in denial

Now as a Mother myself, I honestly find you vile

Yes I’m angry, yes i’m hurt, you were meant to look after me

But you were more concerned with men and your own inane vanity

I had to stop seeing you ’cause you only bring me down

In your eyes you reached out to me, it’s my fault you’re not around

But if you had just once said I’m sorry, just once said I’m wrong

I might have been able to forgive you, we could have found a place to belong

But you insist you had no part in tearing my psyche wide apart

If that’s what you need to do to sleep at night

Then go along with your bullshit dear, pretend you’re always right

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Angry fists and broken plates

She lovingly prepares his dinner and sits at the table to wait

She watches the minutes tick away, viewing her reflection in a plate

She is looking good, she is looking just right

She’s done everything she could possibly do to avoid another fight

The minutes turn to hours as they quietly slip away

She has waited and prepared and tried her best all day

She’s tired now so she moves, from the table to the couch

Her eyelids are getting heavy, she feels herself begin to slouch

Then suddenly she’s woken, by a great almighty slam

It’s the front door and he’s home, here comes her man

She goes to fetch dinner from the oven, quickly in her pace

He slumps a little then calls her a bitch and slaps her across the face

She feels the sting upon her cheek and says “what have I done?”

He says “I saw you at the shops today, I’m not the only one”

“What on earth are you talking about?” Her mascara begins to run

“I saw you talking to that man, I’ve only just begun”

“That was just the new neighbour” she cowers as she cries

He insists he doesn’t believe her, he can see through her lies

He throws her around the room, to show her who’s in the lead

She’s now bleeding several places, and on her knees she pleads

He tells her that she’s worthless, just another dirty whore

She now just takes his words and fists, treats it as a daily chore

For all the trying she may do, preparing for him to come home

There’s nothing in this world to make his rage dissipate undone

So for the night she takes her knocks, watching as the clock lags

The next morning when he leaves for work she quietly packs a bag

She finally realized it doesn’t matter what she does or says

He will always find an excuse he has so many ways

She leaves a note simply saying “goodbye”

She smiles as she closes the door behind her and let’s out a deepened sigh

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The one who was meant to love me

Mother you were meant to keep me safe from harm

When he came at me you were meant to disarm

But you couldn’t be found anywhere

And after the damage you’d avoid my stares

All those nights you heard me cry

I needed you but you didn’t try

Instead you hid and let them harm

Your baby by your lover’s arm

Now that I am grown

You don’t call me your own

They hurt me so much I cracked

You say it all happened behind your back

So all the violence left scars

And you were never very far

So I wont wear a smile for you

You feel sorry for yourself is what you do

What an ungrateful child you had

From the day she was born she must have been bad

She should thank you for all you’ve done

You taught her to drink and how to have fun

Some children would kill for that

I just want my childhood back

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