mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Little Tree

I sway in the wind like a limp little tree

Watching as the world passes by me

I sink my roots deep down in the ground

Searching for things that cannot be found

Searching for something to heal my pained mind

But a limp little tree, such things cannot find

I wave around for someone to see me

I stretch out wide and high in futility

Silently screaming for someone to hear

And maybe plant a little tree somewhere near

It’s been winter for a thousand days

After a while you run out of ways

To find the things you need

To find the food to feed

But someone came and watered me

I burst with life and strength instantly

I’m still just a limp, little tree

But now I have some fight in me

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Burn it down

I am a puzzle with pieces askew

I am a knot that you cannot undo

I am the voice you hear in your bed

You are the void that creeps in my head

I was a child when you broke my bones

I was a child when you left me alone

I was a child when you threw me away

I was a child with no words I could say

Now I am grown I don’t fit your mold

Now I am grown I am strong I am bold

I will not wither and wilt under your will

You will not take from me your fill

You did your damage long ago

I’m full of secrets no one knows

Crimes that you have committed

Tales you’ve never ever admitted

But now I have my own loud voice

And with it I have found my choice

I will not hide and I will not be quiet

I will burn it all down, I will start a riot

Your house of lies you carefully build

Your dishonest palace you carefully filled

With perfect pictures and memories fair

You will not find me anywhere there

I live out here in light and truth

And while you may have taken my youth

You cannot touch me on this day

For I have found my own damn way

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Falling Flower

Her beauty is obvious to all who gaze upon her

She likes her pretty things and has a collection of fur

She has a high rise apartment with city views afar

When you walk down the street with her she leaves mens jaws ajar

One day I noticed on her arm a trail of hand made cuts

She noticed that I’d noticed and made her ifs and buts

I wondered why this beauty, who could turn heads with a smile

Would feel so out of control, somehow see herself as vile

She told me next time I saw her that it was rape that began her pain

And that her Father left her, she had never been the same

She wears a smile for the world to see because she feels it’s best

She says people are nicer to her as she’s prettier than the rest

What would people think if they knew she had her flaws

She’s scared that showing vulnerability will somehow close down doors

I told this pretty flower what is inside makes it’s way out

And if she keeps hiding her pain so deep she’d break, I had no doubt

She assured me that she had control and only did as she chose

She couldn’t let the world see that inside she’s broken and morose

I tried to break the shell outside to pull out what was hidden

But after time and time again I learned it was forbidden

So imagine how sad it was to hear the most heartbreaking news

That apartment with the fancy furs and amazing city views

Had a balcony, up high above – oh what a choice to choose

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Fallen Star

The moment that I realized, when I found out you had died

I had to wear a brave face but it was on the inside that I cried

It had been a long time since you and I had spoken

And when I last had seen you we’d left so many pieces broken

We made some peace and laid, side by side in the sun

There was a good portion of my life I thought you were the one

But you were the first to taste my love the first to go inside

The first to do a lot of things, we’d plans I’d be your bride

No one told me of the accident, you’d fallen from a cliff

I had a feeling something was wrong but I was shunned on a tiff

Now you visit in my dreams almost every night

I wonder if it’s really you or me trying to put things right

To redo things with me and you, find a happy ending

But you were gone so long ago, no hope for us of mending

I hope you are in heaven or somewhere you are free

Of all the things that trapped you in life, this brash insanity

All the things that kept you caged now can’t hold you down

I hope in death there is some way your peace was finally found

6 Comments »

Not so merry go round

I’m in the throws of deep despair

I cry out silently but no one’s there

I can’t tell them what’s going on

I can’t tell them how it all went wrong

So I stay silent, screaming inside

In my own pain I bathe and abide

I want someone close but push them away

If I had the chance I’d not know what to say

Help me please, make me feel something other

Help me please, be a friend or a Mother

I just need this pain to end

I just need this ache to bend

then all of a sudden, I pull myself out

I’m positive again, I scream and I shout

I’m hIappy now and I try to help others

I’m happy now, you’re all sisters and brothers

I feel like I could fly, let’s maybe write a play

There’s so many things I can do in just one single day

The memories of pain they quickly fade away

And I feel amazing I’ve found my voice and words to say

Suddenly again, the sadness starts to creep

Suddenly again, all I want to do is sleep

If I’m not awake then I can’t feel the pain

Oh God it hurts so much I wont ever be the same

Just breathe, just breathe, and quiet the angry voice

Just breathe, just breathe, don’t make the final choice

So round and round and round I go

Up and down and round I show

On the not so merry go round

Will true peace ever be found?

 

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Trying blindly

I feel as though I’m invisible no matter how much I try

I feel as though I’m laughed at and it makes me want to cry

All I want to do is help and heal each others pain

But most they find me odd you see as I don’t play the game

I don’t say one thing to a person’s face, another behind their back

I don’t act passive aggressively and pick up others slack

If I have a feeling or a motive I feel I make it clear

This isn’t the kind of person that most people want to be near

I feel a little sorry for myself yes I guess it’s true

But it’s only because all I tried to do was simply to help you

And people either back away or take until you’re spent

I’ve written so many letters which will always stay unsent

I want to share my feelings but I stop and make a track

‘Cause once you share a feeling there’s no way to take it back

And I have learned that most are best when inside goes unsaid

Most people just want chit chat, their life to be unshared

So I will keep on trying and hurting as I do

If you know someone who sounds like me, they probably just care for you

So maybe you could try a little bend and open up

“Cause if you keep it all inside then one day you’ll have had enough

You’ll look around to find a friend to find an open ear

And maybe when that time does come such a person will be nowhere near

 

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Married man with the wandering eye

The place you should have kept me is not the place you did

You put me in a pretty box and placed on it a lid

You told me just the right words so you could make me dance

You seemed to like the attention and adopted my own stance

You told me I was the only one who knew your darkest secrets

But I have a gift for seeing lies and your story, you can keep it

You thought that I was pretty but I belonged to another

So you wormed your way into my life under guise of being a brother

 

You stole my time and thieved my care

I told you my stories I laid it all bare

 

What a crazy game you’ll play finding your next girl

Without a pretty distraction you’d have to focus on your own world

I can’t believe I spent my time on such a man as you

You must have thought me an idiot, devoid of any clue

I’m sorry I ever let you become, part of my life

But most of all I’m sorry for the woman who’s your wife

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Open heart

It’s hard to heal or find happiness when you feel you have no home

It’s hard to find your place in life when you feel you’re all alone

Sometimes we shut each other out for fear of being hurt

We crave love and attention but build walls to keep avert

We lock ourselves away from love believing we don’t deserve any

We think that we are all alone just another one of many

But we are each special and unique in our own way

We all are worth something and should each have our own say

If we let a little love in and make a crack in all the walls

Then soon we’ll feel we’re worthy and those walls will start to fall

I know the last thing someone wants is to feel like a charity case

And when love is offered to easily we turn and run apace

We don’t trust something that seems too good because of all the pain

We feel we are not worthy ’cause on ourselves we place the blame

So next time someone offers you an open arm or ear

Trust that they truly care and that it’s genuine and dear

The fact is we all need help sometimes there is no shame in this

And if someone offers love to you, it would be a terribly thing to miss

 

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Broken lover

If I had of known that would be the last time I’d ever see those eyes

I would have made an effort, I would have said goodbye

You kissed me on the lips, and said “I’ll see you soon”

I scoffed and said “we’ll see”, and with this sealed our doom

It felt like we were always fleeting moments here and there

We had good times in beds and bars but didn’t belong anywhere

This world had no place for the love of you and I

We kept telling ourselves we could make it work but knowing it was a lie

Your way of dealing with pain was to run and hide away

But by doing this you missed out on all the things I had to say

We never stopped for long enough to be comfortable with each other

You told me that you wanted to be more than just my lover

But when it came for actions, to back up all your words

I could not find you anywhere, sight unseen and words unheard

And so we danced our dance for as long as we could bear

And when I truly needed you, you weren’t there or anywhere

So I made the right decision, I chose to move away

You left me many messages with promise of another day

But while you remained frozen, stuck in the same place

I had found another love, a love of truth and grace

You tried and tried to bring me down

You tried and tried to pull me round

But finally I made the call and like a cancer cut you out

‘Cause all you brought was drama and that’s not what I’m about

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I remember

I remember staring at the pink skirting in my bedroom

I remember the look he’d get on his face as I’d sense my own doom

I remember the sinking feeling when she’d call to say she was late

I remember knowing that this meant the most unfortunate fate

I remember him telling me he worked so hard that I was his prize

I remember him heaving against me till I bled between my thighs

I remember how angry he got when he caught me in his study

Bent over his work desk as he thrusted making me bloody

I remember the fire in his eyes when he came for his claim

I remember the noises he’d make, whenever he came

I didn’t know what he was doing as it happened to me

But I knew that something wasn’t right, I sensed depravity

I remember him covering my mouth to muffle my screams

I remember the heat off his body as he wiggled and he reamed

I remember the friction burns I’d get all up my legs

I remember how angry he’d get if I bothered to beg

I remember every little thing, that man did to me

Like it was yesterday, I remember with such clarity

The monster came and the monster had his meal

The monster never considered how the little girl would feel

The monster always got his way and once he’d had his fill

The monster would remind me not to tell – “you know the drill”

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