mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Fallen Star

The moment that I realized, when I found out you had died

I had to wear a brave face but it was on the inside that I cried

It had been a long time since you and I had spoken

And when I last had seen you we’d left so many pieces broken

We made some peace and laid, side by side in the sun

There was a good portion of my life I thought you were the one

But you were the first to taste my love the first to go inside

The first to do a lot of things, we’d plans I’d be your bride

No one told me of the accident, you’d fallen from a cliff

I had a feeling something was wrong but I was shunned on a tiff

Now you visit in my dreams almost every night

I wonder if it’s really you or me trying to put things right

To redo things with me and you, find a happy ending

But you were gone so long ago, no hope for us of mending

I hope you are in heaven or somewhere you are free

Of all the things that trapped you in life, this brash insanity

All the things that kept you caged now can’t hold you down

I hope in death there is some way your peace was finally found

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Not so merry go round

I’m in the throws of deep despair

I cry out silently but no one’s there

I can’t tell them what’s going on

I can’t tell them how it all went wrong

So I stay silent, screaming inside

In my own pain I bathe and abide

I want someone close but push them away

If I had the chance I’d not know what to say

Help me please, make me feel something other

Help me please, be a friend or a Mother

I just need this pain to end

I just need this ache to bend

then all of a sudden, I pull myself out

I’m positive again, I scream and I shout

I’m hIappy now and I try to help others

I’m happy now, you’re all sisters and brothers

I feel like I could fly, let’s maybe write a play

There’s so many things I can do in just one single day

The memories of pain they quickly fade away

And I feel amazing I’ve found my voice and words to say

Suddenly again, the sadness starts to creep

Suddenly again, all I want to do is sleep

If I’m not awake then I can’t feel the pain

Oh God it hurts so much I wont ever be the same

Just breathe, just breathe, and quiet the angry voice

Just breathe, just breathe, don’t make the final choice

So round and round and round I go

Up and down and round I show

On the not so merry go round

Will true peace ever be found?

 

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Trying blindly

I feel as though I’m invisible no matter how much I try

I feel as though I’m laughed at and it makes me want to cry

All I want to do is help and heal each others pain

But most they find me odd you see as I don’t play the game

I don’t say one thing to a person’s face, another behind their back

I don’t act passive aggressively and pick up others slack

If I have a feeling or a motive I feel I make it clear

This isn’t the kind of person that most people want to be near

I feel a little sorry for myself yes I guess it’s true

But it’s only because all I tried to do was simply to help you

And people either back away or take until you’re spent

I’ve written so many letters which will always stay unsent

I want to share my feelings but I stop and make a track

‘Cause once you share a feeling there’s no way to take it back

And I have learned that most are best when inside goes unsaid

Most people just want chit chat, their life to be unshared

So I will keep on trying and hurting as I do

If you know someone who sounds like me, they probably just care for you

So maybe you could try a little bend and open up

“Cause if you keep it all inside then one day you’ll have had enough

You’ll look around to find a friend to find an open ear

And maybe when that time does come such a person will be nowhere near

 

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Married man with the wandering eye

The place you should have kept me is not the place you did

You put me in a pretty box and placed on it a lid

You told me just the right words so you could make me dance

You seemed to like the attention and adopted my own stance

You told me I was the only one who knew your darkest secrets

But I have a gift for seeing lies and your story, you can keep it

You thought that I was pretty but I belonged to another

So you wormed your way into my life under guise of being a brother

 

You stole my time and thieved my care

I told you my stories I laid it all bare

 

What a crazy game you’ll play finding your next girl

Without a pretty distraction you’d have to focus on your own world

I can’t believe I spent my time on such a man as you

You must have thought me an idiot, devoid of any clue

I’m sorry I ever let you become, part of my life

But most of all I’m sorry for the woman who’s your wife

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Open heart

It’s hard to heal or find happiness when you feel you have no home

It’s hard to find your place in life when you feel you’re all alone

Sometimes we shut each other out for fear of being hurt

We crave love and attention but build walls to keep avert

We lock ourselves away from love believing we don’t deserve any

We think that we are all alone just another one of many

But we are each special and unique in our own way

We all are worth something and should each have our own say

If we let a little love in and make a crack in all the walls

Then soon we’ll feel we’re worthy and those walls will start to fall

I know the last thing someone wants is to feel like a charity case

And when love is offered to easily we turn and run apace

We don’t trust something that seems too good because of all the pain

We feel we are not worthy ’cause on ourselves we place the blame

So next time someone offers you an open arm or ear

Trust that they truly care and that it’s genuine and dear

The fact is we all need help sometimes there is no shame in this

And if someone offers love to you, it would be a terribly thing to miss

 

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Broken lover

If I had of known that would be the last time I’d ever see those eyes

I would have made an effort, I would have said goodbye

You kissed me on the lips, and said “I’ll see you soon”

I scoffed and said “we’ll see”, and with this sealed our doom

It felt like we were always fleeting moments here and there

We had good times in beds and bars but didn’t belong anywhere

This world had no place for the love of you and I

We kept telling ourselves we could make it work but knowing it was a lie

Your way of dealing with pain was to run and hide away

But by doing this you missed out on all the things I had to say

We never stopped for long enough to be comfortable with each other

You told me that you wanted to be more than just my lover

But when it came for actions, to back up all your words

I could not find you anywhere, sight unseen and words unheard

And so we danced our dance for as long as we could bear

And when I truly needed you, you weren’t there or anywhere

So I made the right decision, I chose to move away

You left me many messages with promise of another day

But while you remained frozen, stuck in the same place

I had found another love, a love of truth and grace

You tried and tried to bring me down

You tried and tried to pull me round

But finally I made the call and like a cancer cut you out

‘Cause all you brought was drama and that’s not what I’m about

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I remember

I remember staring at the pink skirting in my bedroom

I remember the look he’d get on his face as I’d sense my own doom

I remember the sinking feeling when she’d call to say she was late

I remember knowing that this meant the most unfortunate fate

I remember him telling me he worked so hard that I was his prize

I remember him heaving against me till I bled between my thighs

I remember how angry he got when he caught me in his study

Bent over his work desk as he thrusted making me bloody

I remember the fire in his eyes when he came for his claim

I remember the noises he’d make, whenever he came

I didn’t know what he was doing as it happened to me

But I knew that something wasn’t right, I sensed depravity

I remember him covering my mouth to muffle my screams

I remember the heat off his body as he wiggled and he reamed

I remember the friction burns I’d get all up my legs

I remember how angry he’d get if I bothered to beg

I remember every little thing, that man did to me

Like it was yesterday, I remember with such clarity

The monster came and the monster had his meal

The monster never considered how the little girl would feel

The monster always got his way and once he’d had his fill

The monster would remind me not to tell – “you know the drill”

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My pretend love affair

You smile as you pass by me in the hall

My stomach clenches then it falls

The smell of you left on the breeze

I feel myself falling with the greatest of ease

But I must keep it quiet, my secret to keep

I wish that I could kiss those lips and watch you while you sleep

I wish that I could run my hands, all over that skin

I wish that you would want me too so all of this could begin

But I will keep my mouth shut, and simply smile at you

For if I told you how I felt I’d not know what to do

If you didn’t feel the same way, if you shot me down

I’ll keep us just in my mind, running circles round and round

I dream that you stare me down and swiftly pull me tight

You whisper in my ear that the time is finally right

You feather kisses down my neck and onto my plump breast

You lay your face on my chest and make my nape your nest

We undress with anticipation and burgeoning fire and lust

We stare at each others naked bodies, aching with our lust

And then we’re in the throws of passion bodies stark and bare

And you know where and what to do, oh yes you thrill me everywhere

I imagine the climax of you and I, the look in your beautiful eyes

As you writhe and push and pull, do your work between my thighs

It’s amazing what things we do, safely in my head

If only I had the courage, to get you in my bed

 

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Be a lover

Beneath the skin and flesh and bone, we are all the same

But due to expectations some feel inadequate and plain

Others feel not smart enough, not witty or not bright

Others don’t feel they fit in, they never feel quite right

We shuffle past one another, looking at our feet

Before we even wage a battle we often accept defeat

Rely on a diagnosis as a reason not to try

On our illness we get comfortably numb and on this we rely

Let’s start to look each other in the eye as we walk by

Let’s ask each other how they’re doing, can I help you try?

In small steps we can amount, and truly make a change

Let’s not get stuck for ever but help each other turn the page

Let’s connect and truly care and show vulnerability

It’s not the easier path to choose but it’s the one of sensibility

To input a little good, into this messed up world

Together we can emerge from our pain and become unfurled

I know it seems an impossible task, the world seems too far gone

But one by one the little things can change what’s really wrong

We can’t obtain world peace but we can certainly help each other

So let’s make an effort to turn around, don’t be a fighter be a lover

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Traveling Unmanned

As I walk along the path, the night air nips my skin

My pace is fast and steady can’t help trying but to begin

Thinking of all the things that press down on my heart

A voice keeps nagging at me “you were doomed from the very start”

My heartbeat pulses against my ribs I can barely catch my breath

It’s as though I’m running away from life, life and love and death

All these things all at once I feel like I am drowning

I look up at the moon and I’m sure I hear a vicious howling

I stop dead in my pace, all of a sudden tightly I wind

There is no beast here present, the noise is in my mind

I’ve worked myself to such a state that I can barely breathe

I notice that I’m crying and wipe my cheek off with my sleeve

All this angst and all this worry weighs heavy on my mind

I’m sure when I started walking it was for answers I would find

But Now I’m in a panic and I don’t know where I am

I slowly turn around to figure out where I began

I’m lost and cold and out of breath I fall down to my knees

I see the moon disappear behind a cloud behind some trees

I stay like this, weeping, heaped upon the ground

Surely this is no way, for answers to be found

My heart rate slows I take in air it stings my beating chest

I realize I feel helpless, even though I do my best

Life is still so fucking hard, there’s still so much to bear

And I can’t find escape from it not here not anywhere

I slowly make my way back home, slower in my pace

My head feels cloudy and out of control, it’s not a healthy space

I dream of peace and all it brings and wonder if I can

It feels as though I’m on a train, traveling unmanned

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