mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Bitter devotion

I need you now like man needs air

You can’t be found but anywhere

I wait on your words and watch the clock tick

This piercing silence is making me sick

You know how much I want this and yet you stay so hush

And each day now that passes is one day one too much

 

You wield your power willingly, as you sit above

You place your mouth in places and make promises of love

Yet when I truly need you, you vanish into air

You know just what you do to me, this ache is mine to bear

Do you feel so tiny do you truly feel so small

That you lord my love above me, knowing you’re my all?

This feeling you call love, it brings me twisted agony

The waves are crashing violently, taking parts and chunks of me

I’m sure if I had sense left in me

An exit would be my strategy

But I follow your crumbs as you make your trail

This epic love is sure to fail

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From high above

I’m not your clown to tease

You’re not my lord to please

Although I wear a smile

Don’t find me juvenile

I don’t sit high above

Watching as I judge

I wear my heart upon my sleeve

In love and kindness I believe

But you see me here as lame and weak

Superiority, do you seek

Can’t you see, that I’m just me

And we can all act differently

One not wrong and one not right

This doesn’t need to be a fight

We could possibly just get along

Find a place where we belong

But some are filled with hate and spite

And if you’re different, you’re not right

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Standing Tall

I fall down over and over again

I may wither a little but I will not bend

Haunted by those who trespassed on me

Torn apart by their asserted depravity

I will not become a story of ill

They leave me my scars but also my will

Even when I am fallen and weak

Moments of pain and feelings so bleak

I hold on to know I will make it alright

I know I will again regain my true fight

And now the fight, it stirs in me

Declaring out loud, what i shall not be

Your victim yes, your trophy never

Healing is my passion’s endeavour

Round and round again I know

But one thing with certainty do I know

I may fall but I will always get up

I will decide when enough is enough

They things they took I now regain

As I wade my way through my past of pain

They chewed me up and spit me out

But here I stand, proud and stout

Together I will piece my puzzle again

They will be the ones to break and bend

 

 

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In the mud

Stick in the mud, don’t bend or you’ll break

Standing still, no steps can you make

Held by the past and all that it holds

Frozen by stories you’ve kept untold

You watch as the world passes you by

You accept failure before you try

So scared to bend in case you break

Not yet sure of what steps you would take

Standing still is fine for a while

It’s inch by inch not mile by mile

Take just one thing that’s caused you pain

One thing for which you’ve worn the blame

Let it go and watch it leave

And slowly you will feel some ease

Little by little, piece by piece

You will slowly feel some ease

Dig deep down, you’ll find in there

The strength to lay your demons bare

Face the past, bring on the rain

To wash away that muddy pain

And free yourself from standing by

Just begin and you’ve already tried

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Rebuilding

Piece by piece and bit by bit

I will dig myself out of this pit

When hope has gone and all is bleak

When I feel hollow, fragile and weak

I try to find the smallest spark

To guide me through the darkest dark

When every moment hurts to be

When you close your eyes you see depravity

You’re taken back again and again

To when you originally felt the pain

Search for the spark and hold onto light

It isn’t now but it will be alright

Sometimes all you can manage to do

Is tread water just to make it through

But once you’re through and find your fight

Hold on and make the wrong things right

I know I still have a long road ahead

But I am focused in my stead

I don’t want to be defined by the past

The scars of which will always last

But the wounds themselves with someday heal

I will learn how to live and how to deal

 

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Stained Memories

I fell down and grazed my knee

Saw my beating heart in front of me

It was black in parts and broken

From holding onto pain unspoken

I took a shovel and started to dig

I couldn’t have known what I’d find be so big

And once I remembered just a little bit

Once I opened the door just a tiny slit

All the darkness came flooding through

All of my memories, painful and true

The things that man did to me

When I was a small human unable to see

The damage being done to me

Would later cause insanity

But I won’t let this be my plight

I may be down but I will fight

I still have much life left in me

I wont let him define what I am to be

The flashes haunt me every step

In healing I am not adept

But I will somehow find a way

And I will somehow reach the day

When the memories are faded and gone

And I don’t feel small and all alone

I will beat this pain in me

I will pass these memories

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Lost and Unsure

I have this pain inside my soul

And my heart it has a gaping hole

I try and try to fill it up

But nothing seems to be quite enough

I fall so far I can’t see day

I fall so deep I lose my way

I wish that I could figure out

What this life is truly about

I try to be kind and share my love

I’ve tried to be aloof and watch from above

 

I have tried all different ways

To make it through my twisted days

But it feels like I’m lost in an endless haze

 

I hold onto pain from my past

I worry for all of my days it will last

All I want is love and family

But it would seem it’s not destined for me

I need to know what I’m about

I need to let the grief flow out

But I lock it down deep in my heart

I want to heal but don’t know where to start

One day I hope I’ll find the peace

And soothe the inner savage beast

That haunts me from the inside out

It tears me up it, I hear it shout

I cry out for some piece of mind

I hope and pray one day I’ll find

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Little Tree

I sway in the wind like a limp little tree

Watching as the world passes by me

I sink my roots deep down in the ground

Searching for things that cannot be found

Searching for something to heal my pained mind

But a limp little tree, such things cannot find

I wave around for someone to see me

I stretch out wide and high in futility

Silently screaming for someone to hear

And maybe plant a little tree somewhere near

It’s been winter for a thousand days

After a while you run out of ways

To find the things you need

To find the food to feed

But someone came and watered me

I burst with life and strength instantly

I’m still just a limp, little tree

But now I have some fight in me

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Burn it down

I am a puzzle with pieces askew

I am a knot that you cannot undo

I am the voice you hear in your bed

You are the void that creeps in my head

I was a child when you broke my bones

I was a child when you left me alone

I was a child when you threw me away

I was a child with no words I could say

Now I am grown I don’t fit your mold

Now I am grown I am strong I am bold

I will not wither and wilt under your will

You will not take from me your fill

You did your damage long ago

I’m full of secrets no one knows

Crimes that you have committed

Tales you’ve never ever admitted

But now I have my own loud voice

And with it I have found my choice

I will not hide and I will not be quiet

I will burn it all down, I will start a riot

Your house of lies you carefully build

Your dishonest palace you carefully filled

With perfect pictures and memories fair

You will not find me anywhere there

I live out here in light and truth

And while you may have taken my youth

You cannot touch me on this day

For I have found my own damn way

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Falling Flower

Her beauty is obvious to all who gaze upon her

She likes her pretty things and has a collection of fur

She has a high rise apartment with city views afar

When you walk down the street with her she leaves mens jaws ajar

One day I noticed on her arm a trail of hand made cuts

She noticed that I’d noticed and made her ifs and buts

I wondered why this beauty, who could turn heads with a smile

Would feel so out of control, somehow see herself as vile

She told me next time I saw her that it was rape that began her pain

And that her Father left her, she had never been the same

She wears a smile for the world to see because she feels it’s best

She says people are nicer to her as she’s prettier than the rest

What would people think if they knew she had her flaws

She’s scared that showing vulnerability will somehow close down doors

I told this pretty flower what is inside makes it’s way out

And if she keeps hiding her pain so deep she’d break, I had no doubt

She assured me that she had control and only did as she chose

She couldn’t let the world see that inside she’s broken and morose

I tried to break the shell outside to pull out what was hidden

But after time and time again I learned it was forbidden

So imagine how sad it was to hear the most heartbreaking news

That apartment with the fancy furs and amazing city views

Had a balcony, up high above – oh what a choice to choose

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