mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Can you replace a Mother?

Anyone with a mental illness will know what it’s like to feel alienated from the people around you. I used to have a lot of friends, not real friends you can count on but friends I’d socialize with and other crazy endeavours. So over time I have learned to get along without many people to count on, I’ve learned that my man and kids are the only ones that I really can rely on. I have a best friend who would be there for me if I needed her, but she is heavily pregnant at the moment and occupied by that so I have been giving her space to sort all of that out. Even though I have learned who I can count on and who I cannot, I still crave this unattainable relationship with my Mother. The smallest slight on her part and suddenly I feel like that ten year old again, completely out of control and hurting, rejected and abandoned. I can be completely fine, having a great day and feeling completely on top of my shit and BAM, my mum cancels or does something kind of crappy and I’m reduced to this emotional creature.

Will I ever stop wanting a Mother? Will I ever be ok with things the way they are?

My Mum was a single Mum, she lived with her parents and had support from them but she was only 20 when she had me and ill prepared to cope with looking after a baby. She married a man when I was 7, she left him abruptly when I was 9. Her first husband sexually abused me. We have never spoken about it but we both know it happened. She met another man when I was about 11, he had moved in with her within a few months and a few months after that they were expecting a child together. He was quite nice for the first little while but soon enough he showed his true colours. He is an alcoholic and when drunk he would physically emotionally and mentally abuse me. My Mother never stopped it so I moved in with my Grandparents to get away but they ran out of money and ended up moving in with my Grandparents too. So i couldn’t get away, the abuse continued in my Grandparents home. I ended up getting on the first bus leaving spencer st station just after I turned 18 and I never really stopped traveling til I moved back to Australia from England 6 years ago.

My Mother had three children to him in three years, my sister, the first to be born…the day she was born I came home from school and no one was there. They had forgotten about me. After a while I went a bit nuts and broke the back door down, it was basically a show of things to come. My Mother established this new family with this man and there wasn’t a place for me in it. I was edged out because I was difficult and didn’t fit into her new family.

Now, my Mother and I have been speaking again for just over a year. Before that, we hadn’t spoken in a bit over 3 years because the relationship was making me crazy and she kept cancelling on seeing my girls and disappointing them and so much passive aggression, I just couldn’t handle it anymore so i cut my family off. But now we are trying to work on a relationship and I keep thinking that it’s just not going to work out, it keeps making me feel so utterly terrible, I don’t think we can attain a relationship that’s healthy.

My Mother runs around after my half siblings, my sister is 21 middle brother is 19 and the youngest turns 18 in a few weeks. She will pick them up from work at 3am or run around to the other side of the city to get a school book or what have you, fairly normal parent behaviour right? Well when I see this, it makes me crazy that she wont do a damn thing for me, it makes me crazy that she was apparently able to be a proper parent to these three people but not to me, why doesn’t she want to be my Mum? I keep seeing her doing all of these things for them and I can’t even get her to do a few tutoring sessions for my kids even though she is accreddited as a tutor and that’s her frickin job! I’ve been asking her for months to do some tutoring for my girls, I even offered to pay her normal fee but she keeps arsing around like it’s too hard. And recently I’d loaned her some money and then I had to chase her up on the day she said she’d pay me back and she advised me she didn’t have time to get to a bank to pay me back as she was too busy watching my brother play netball.

It now seems that she’s even more of a mother to my insane cousin than she is to me. My cousin was another family member I cut off when I initially stopped talking to my Mother. She is three years older than me and we were both looked after by my Grandmother when we were growing up so there was more of a sibling bond for a while than a cousin one as we were both only children and got along fairly well. As an adult I do not care for my cousin one bit. We spent a lot of time together and she is just the most negative, self absorbed abomination of a person that I’ve ever known. She married the biggest douchebag I’ve ever met, the kind of guy who started making good money from selling crap on Ebay and then would brag to people about how much cash he had and how well off he was. Yuk. He is a bully and a creep, the daughter she had when they got together is treated like shit by him because he has ‘his own’ children with her now and he admits freely to not loving her as much and this is why he treats her poorly, and he gets away with it. He used to love picking fights with me too, he’s just a really unpleasant man with double standards for everyone else. In the time that I stopped talking to my cousin she has been on a campaign of talking shit about me to whoever she can, I hear random gossip from mutual parties and the girl is just a sad case, it makes her feel better to think my life is in shambles and judging from the gossip I hear, my life is just a mess! Haha, but yeah she is an alcoholic and just loves getting off on my misery apparently.

My Mother always does something for Melbourne Cup Day, it’s a big race here in Melbourne and many people have bbq’s and what have you. I kind of knew that my Mother had planned something at her place because she always does, so I decided to poke the bear. I’m regretting that I did it now because I feel like shit, but that’s what I get for playing games. So yeah, knowing that she was probably doing a big bbq for the “family” I sent her a text saying ‘Hi, what are you doing tomorrow?’ then I got back, oh i was thinking of doing a family bbq I’m just waiting to hear back from Aunty Jane. Then another text – you’re more than welcome to come if you want. Then another text a few hours later ‘we’ve decided to have a big family bbq, you’re welcome to come after 1230 if you want to. warning you that your cousin and her husband will be here though’. Now my Mother knows I dislike my cousin and her husband, she knows that I refuse to have my children around these people, but her version of a family bbq doesn’t seem to involve me. She wouldn’t have invited me if I hadn’t of prodded, I was being passive aggressive and just wanted to shine a light on the fact that she hadn’t even invited me because that’s all i wanted, i wanted to be thought of and liked i guess. Feeling that your own mother doesn’t like you, it makes you feel like the most defective person on the face of the earth. If she doesn’t like me then why would anyone else?

So yeah, that’s my crappy situation and I really don’t know what I will do. My heart aches for a Mother, I just want someone to love me and guide me and want to be there for me like a Mother is. But this woman who is my Mother, she doesn’t seem to want that with me. I don’t want to give up but I can’t keep trying and getting nowhere. I can’t keep my heart open to this woman who doesn’t take care of it. I just don’t want to feel like such a loser anymore.

Peace xo

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Adjusting expectations

I spent years in emotional turmoil, my Mother issues were rampant, so were my Daddy issues to be fair. I was just so angry at my Mother, so angry at my Stepfather, so angry at my cousin, so angry at my husband. Everyone had let me down and I was pissed. True, my Mother let some pretty terrible shit happen to me when I was younger, my Stepfather has done some pretty terrible shit to me when he’s been drunk and raucous, and my husband and I have had our issues but I held onto every little slight, and let it fester.

I would look at my friends and the relationships they have with their Mothers and I would feel this ache in my gut, such sadness that I will never have that. After not talking to my Mother and extended family for about 3 years we started seeing each other again a year ago, and I’ve learned a lot in this year: if you expect the world from someone they will surely let you down.

Basically, i realized that i was holding people to an impossible standard and expecting them to jump through hoops because of their previous fuck ups towards me. I had to let go of the past, the anger and the pain and realize that yeah, my Mother and I will never have a normal relationship but who says we need a normal relationship? Why can’t we just be what we are, slightly dysfunctional but both trying our best. She tries her best with my kids and they really enjoy the sunday night dinners we have at her house, we don’t really do much else together but that’s ok, dinner once a week and the occasional lunch or shopping trip is enough for me now, now that i’ve lowered my expectations.

I guess at some point we are faced with the question of whether we can let go or not, and until very recently my answer would have been no, but thankfully i’ve started uprooting the pain that has itself so deep inside my psyche, it’s a work in progress but it’s so so worth it. I was so scared to let go of the anger and pain because I feared there would be nothing left, no link to my Mother at all, but instead there is love and understanding and patience. Just let go.

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My own little miracle has happened

I know some people know the story of this, but to give a brief run down: I haven’t seen my Mother in years, we had a falling out and I felt really disappointed by her because she let a lot of bad stuff happen to me when I was a kid and then alienated me from her ‘new’ family. She met my second stepfather when I was about 10, great things hadn’t happened with the first, she dated a fair bit between stepfathers but then she met Mark and within a few months we were spending every weekend with him as he lived a fair way away and didn’t drive, we would pick him up every friday and then drive him home sunday nights.

My stepfather has a bit of a jekyll/hyde situation happening. When he is sober he is a quiet man, quite respectful and would help anyone with anything, when he’s drunk he’s a feral nightmare, and he drinks every day. He singled me out often and we would have violent fights, he would knock me around and verbally attack me. It wasn’t super fun.

I realized through therapy a couple of years ago that I didn’t deserve this treatment, for years I had made excuses for my abusers, saying I was a difficult teen and that I was a nightmare to deal with, but during therapy I realized that no child deserves abuse and I matter, that even if  I was difficult it didn’t make the abuse ok. After this, I got pretty pissed off at my Mum. I didn’t really blame my Stepfather, he has a disease and will never stop drinking, he has issues and I can’t hate him for having a disease, like I said it’s confusing but he’s a nice guy when he’s sober so it makes things with him complicated. However, I felt my Mother had a duty of care and she had failed me terribly, so I got mad at her.

Fast forward to a few months ago, I had heard bits and bob through mutual friend and the like and basically my family were claiming that I was crazy for just cutting them all off and they were all innocent bystanders while I cut them out of my life. So I wrote my Mother a letter, the first one I wrote I sat on for a few weeks not sending it, then my therapist helped me realize I hadn’t sent it because it was too angry, and I realized I didn’t need to be angry at her I just needed to ask why, and how she could let her child be abused and then force me out of her family. I felt abandoned by her and then as an adult, I felt that I could never do anything good enough. (fot perspective she visited us in england 3 weeks after my daughter was born by c section and then came home telling people my toilet wasn’t clean enough and i didn’t sweet the kitchen floors enough, i mean shit i could barely walk after complications from the csection but by all means bitch about my floors lol)

So I wrote this letter saying how sad it made me and how all I ever wanted was a mum who loved me and had my back. How disappointed that I was that she let me get abused and instead of standing up for me she edged me out of my family because she chose my abusive stepfather over me.

Fast forward to this week. Part of my bipolar is that I can spend without thinking sometimes, and with christmas coming I went and got presents when i really should have waited for our next pay and now i’ve left us quite short on funds for the next couple of weeks. My Mother called me at the start of the week to ask how I Was doing and i told her about how short i am and how it’s just annoying when the bipolar sets in and i bust my budget. so out of nowhere she turns up at my house with a bunch of groceries for my girls and she gave me a tearful, genuinely beautiful apology for the way she has treated me and the things he let happen. I think the groceries were a guise, an excuse to come, but i think the gesture was sweet. I still have money to get us food but i wont say no to a few snacky things for the kids.

So here we are, both of us in tears, her finally acknowledging how much she’d hurt me and APOLOGIZING! i couldn’t believe it. I’ve never actually wanted to bear a grudge I just couldn’t let go of the pain that was deep inside me. I was maddened by my family claiming i was the one in the wrong and not accepting any responsibility, but finally we are moving forward. I just needed her to say sorry and actually mean it, and she really does. We have spoken a few times this week and things are going well, we both realize that things aren’t going to instantly be just ok, that we need to talk things out and work on them before we can have a mother daugher relationship, but we are on our way and i’m both surprised and deeply deeply happy that things have turned around. She’s been really supportive and understanding of my bipolar and how it can cause me to act, she has after all suffered depression herself for most of her life, so we have been bonding over that.

She wants to bring more groceries which I have told her is unnecessary but I think the gesture is her trying to make amends and I can understand that, it’ coming from a good place so I’m going to let her feel like she’s helping because it will make her feel important like she’s helping me, and i can tell she’s truly sorry and ‘helping’ me in her mind makes her feel a bit better.

I didn’t think my Mother and I would be able to arrive on the same page but with complete honesty and a bit of time to heal old wounds, we are working on the future and how we can move forward. I feel like the hole inside me is slowly filling up with love and good things instead of despair and emptiness, it’s such a lovely feeling. We have a long way to go, but if we can do it then anyone can.W

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So I spoke to the root of my issues…..my Mother

We recently went on a family holiday, it was a seven hour drive. We packed up the car the night before and at seven thirty the next morning hubby myself and the kids left for a beach on the south east coast of new south wales. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere my clutch went on my car and i panicked, i had to pay $250 for roadside assistance and $380 for a rental car, plus the rental car company held a few hundred on my account, add to this the actual repair of the clutch (normally around $700) we were pretty screwed. Stuck in the middle of nowhere in australia is a pretty bad place to be stuck, the RACV van turned up after nearly two hours and loaded my car onto his truck, advised me he had a battery to start a few miles away. A few miles turned into half an hour towards our destination, he then got another call out and another, we ended up being in his van for about four hours before going backwards about 80 kilometers from where we broke down. We got the rental car at about 7 at night and because we were so nice about being in his truck for so long and the kids were so well behaved, he agreed to knock a hundred and fifty off our repair, but we were still not in a great situation financially, we just didn’t have enough budgeted for all that had gone wrong.

In my panic on the roadside i called my mother. I think it’s an innate thing, when you feel like you’re fucked beyond belief you reach out to those who are MEANT to love you and be there when things get truly messed up. I called her and asked her for help and she wasn’t able to, but it opened the door for her to correspond with me so that’s been interesting.

In the end i asked my best friend, i really didn’t want to ask her for different reasons but she really came through for us and was brilliant about it. Didn’t make me feel like shit for asking, didn’t make a fuss over it at all (like my Mother did) she just said yes and asked for account details. She’s like the sister i wish i had, and at a time when my Mother had me feeling like a piece of shit she made me feel a bit better by showing me she cares.

The holiday itself was a bit of a nightmare, the kids had a good time which is what’s important, but i had to reign in spending a fair bit and was stressed for a lot of it not knowing if my friend could come through as i hadn’t yet asked, and dealing with my mother, it was hard. Not long ago i sent this woman a letter outlining how she’d broken my heart by letting multiple and repeated abuse occur to me throughout my childhood and by judging me so harshly as an adult, then in my hour of need i call her asking for help! WTF right. I felt like a trapped rat and i was desperate to make the holiday happen for my kids, we’d already paid for the holiday park so it would have been pissing away even more money if we’d have somehow turned around and gotten home. Something new to us as well, in this region of australia, they have things called paralysis tics, small blood sucking creatures that look like funky head lice that burrow into your skin. The first night there was a write off as we arrived just after 9:30 at night, but the second night we went into town and had dinner and when we returned my eldest daughter came out of the bathroom complaining that her head hurt and she had a lump and red mark on it. I asked if she’d bumped it and she couldn’t recall doing so. I looked closer and it was a lump with a red rash around it with a white mark in the middle and a brown dot in the white mark, I had a look at it and i thought she must have had some tree bark embedded in her head or something, i got my tweezers and pulled it out and was shocked to find a small critter in my tweezers. OMG! I had just pulled an insect out of my child’s forehead, it was so so freaky. I called my friend in melbourne and she googled tic bites for me, so i called the local hospital and asked if she needed to go in and they said yes, bring her in.

We arrived at this tiny hospital and by the time i had finished filling out the form a very handsome doctor brought us through to emergency. I took the little tic with us and they inspected it to conclude i had gotten the head out of her (apparently getting the head out is very important and if you don’t it causes all kinds of issues) – they told us she should be ok but if she had flu symptoms within a week to see a doctor. She was quite unwell the next day, tired and somewhat grumpy, not wanting to partake in activities and what not so i hung out with her while hubby and our other daughter did activities run by the holiday park. She perked up the next day and had a bit of fun before we packed up the rental car and left.

So now i owe my friend money, still have to repay a small loan we got last month when my sister emptied our account and have my mother making contact. I’m not spiraling or anything but it’s not an ideal situation. This is when i use all of our spare money for christmas for the kids and i just don’t know how i’m going to pull it together this year. So that’s a worry as well.

We really liked the place we went on holiday though, it had kangaroos all around our cabin and other adorable wildlife, under better circumstances we would love to go back. We would better plan the 7 hour drive, although on the way there it took 14 hours to get there all up so it couldn’t take that long again lol OH MY!

I hope all of you are doing well and dealing with a bit less shit than i am, and if you are, share! It helps to talk about things. I hope none of this has come across as whining because yes, i hate financial issues and it’s shit, but it’s showed me i have a good friend who loves me and will help me out in a jam, my kids had a good holiday except for the dirty tic and my car has a new clutch, so there are some positives that have come out of it. Usually this kind of thing would have my bipolar flare and I’d spiral into a depressive issue feeling overwhelmed but i haven’t broken yet and i’m kind of proud of that, especially considering how tentative things were just last month for me. Mwa xo

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Dear Mum, this one’s on you

A Mother is a lovely creature blessed with warmth and heart

A Mother is the person who loves you from the start

They’re there for you when you’re sick or down

And in your darkest moments can always be found

It’s an endless love that’s given, from a Mother to a child

From the moment she holds you in her arms a Mother is beguiled

True love emanates from a Mother’s every pore

Just seeing her baby happy, she couldn’t ask for more

So what happens when a Mother lets harm come to her child

What happens when a Mother finds her love grow colder, mild

What happens when a mother cares more for getting laid

Than if her child goes to school or if the bills are paid

What happens when a Mother lets her boyfriend beat you blue

And when a Mother stays silent and he puts his fingers inside of you

From what I understand, a hole forms deep inside

You try to fill it with boys and drugs but the hole keeps growing wide

You feel as though you’re broken, you’re damaged underneath

You think that you deserve it when he breaks your jaw and teeth

You accept that you are worthless, that you were born this way

And with that comes a pain that makes it hard to go on another day

But Mother I have realized that the fault does not lie with me

You knew everything that was happening but you chose not to see

So yes now I AM angry and I can’t look upon your face

For I am still trying to fill the hole your love left in it’s place

I’m not the one who fucked up Mum, I’m not the bad one here

So don’t pretend it’s my fault that I am nowhere near

 

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You let me down

You convinced me that it was all my fault that you were never there

You had me believing it was my doing, the reason you didn’t care

You let your men abuse me, however they chose to do

And the blame you’d place on anyone else, anywhere but on you

They tell you to move on, forget and learn to forgive

But you fucked up my childhood and sometimes it’s barely a life I live

I spent months cooped up in my house, all sad and alone

All because when I was small you brought violence into our home

You focus on all the bad things, that I have ever done

You convince yourself I was just a rotten kid, your fault in this is none

You think yourself above me and in you’re so deep in denial

Now as a Mother myself, I honestly find you vile

Yes I’m angry, yes i’m hurt, you were meant to look after me

But you were more concerned with men and your own inane vanity

I had to stop seeing you ’cause you only bring me down

In your eyes you reached out to me, it’s my fault you’re not around

But if you had just once said I’m sorry, just once said I’m wrong

I might have been able to forgive you, we could have found a place to belong

But you insist you had no part in tearing my psyche wide apart

If that’s what you need to do to sleep at night

Then go along with your bullshit dear, pretend you’re always right

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The one who was meant to love me

Mother you were meant to keep me safe from harm

When he came at me you were meant to disarm

But you couldn’t be found anywhere

And after the damage you’d avoid my stares

All those nights you heard me cry

I needed you but you didn’t try

Instead you hid and let them harm

Your baby by your lover’s arm

Now that I am grown

You don’t call me your own

They hurt me so much I cracked

You say it all happened behind your back

So all the violence left scars

And you were never very far

So I wont wear a smile for you

You feel sorry for yourself is what you do

What an ungrateful child you had

From the day she was born she must have been bad

She should thank you for all you’ve done

You taught her to drink and how to have fun

Some children would kill for that

I just want my childhood back

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My flawed self

It appears that my worst nightmare

Is showing up, and no one cares

My brain beats like a heart

Thoughts are hard to part

They bleed into one great big mess

Oh clarity, I try my best

But when you have this illness

Self worth depends on acceptance

I pour my heart out on the page

I shouldn’t care at this ripe age

But still I beg for love and care

When you want it so much, it’s not anywhere

I wish I could be indifferent, I admire it in others

The acceptance that I’m searching for is actually that of my Mother

So on I go, word by word

Hoping to be just a little bit heard

Just to have a little care

From someone out there somewhere

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You were gone

I wish that you could see, that the blame is not on me

I wish that you could see, all the harm you caused to me

You were the one that was meant to be there

But when I called, you weren’t anywhere

You were the one to love me, when all others were gone

But you left me alone and broken

What could I have done so wrong?

You wanted me to be like you, but I was something else

So you moved on to another, and left me on a shelf

Too difficult to deal with, who cares for such a thing

I was just a child, I didn’t think to bring

Armor to my own home, protection from your care

‘Cause you were meant to keep me safe, but you weren’t anywhere

All those times he hurt me, I cried out for your help

But you didn’t come running and I couldn’t help myself

He was strong and angry, I was small and frail

The fact that you don’t love me stings as my greatest fail

And now I can’t forgive you but I can do better than you did

The life that grew inside me is the reason that I live

Your mistakes will not be my own

Your ways will not carry on within my home

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