I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

where does my crazy end?

for those who have read any of my blogs, you’ll know i have some issues, primarily, abandonment/mother issues and my struggle with bipolar. hubby and i are in the midst of a fight and i find it really hard to figure out how much of my behaviour is dictated by my illness and issues and how much is within the ‘normal’ realm of human behaviour.

i usually look to others i know and their relationships for guidance, but it’s a tricky trap living by comparison because at the end of the day, no two people are alike and the only two people in our relationship are him and myself. i tend to discuss my relationship with two friends, one of whom has been with her partner for 18 years and is extremely zen about most things, the other has been in a relationship for a few years and tells me i have to stand up for what i want and not settle if i’m not happy, so i’m torn.

mr. says while he’s at work, work is all he can care about. this makes me feel shitty, i don’t expect him to drop everything for me at any given moment, but i expect to be important no matter where he is, i expect to be a priority. i used to have grand notions of love and romance, the kind of crap the notebook tricks you into thinking is love, but i got over that a long time ago. i don’t expect flowers or chocolates, a romantic gesture to me is him going to the butcher to get something i need to cook dinner, but does that constitute a relationship? he thinks that sitting on the couch with me at night and fetching things from the store is putting effort into our relationship, where as i consider that just part of household maintenance. i don’t consider cooking him dinner putting effort into my relationship, it’s just something i do because that’s my job in the house. for me, putting in effort is being kind to him, telling him i appreciate him or something he’s done, and honestly with the meds i’m on and the illness i have, sex is not something i crave, so i consider that a big effort on my part when i sleep with him. so maybe i’m wrong, a lot of people say that sex is a normal part of a relationship and it’s just expected that it should happen, but for me, i only want to have sex with him when he’s kind to me and puts in effort and tries.

i wish we had a relationship referee, someone to blow a whistle and tell me who is right and who is wrong, what points i need to bend on and what points he needs to bend on, because i find it hard to figure out on my own. i second guess myself and think that my expectations are unrealistic and based in my illness, then the next moment i think no, i have a right to be treasured and treated with love and adoration (not ALL of the time, just say, 65% of it).

i know i can go from zero to fifty thousand on the unhappy scale, we’ve had a really good few weeks and i’ve been trying really hard to make him happy and be happy myself, but then it all seems to tumble down so quickly and put us back at square one. is this something other’s with my illness/issues find? has anyone else figured out a way to monitor what’s realistic and unrealistic expectations?

i just know that every time we start to be good together, the smallest little thing knocks us back down again and it’s not something i can continue to do forever. i want someone who has my back, whether they’re at work or home or anywhere in between.

Leave a comment »