I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Can paying it forward help depression?

I think it can, yes. I have suffered from depression for 20 years, since i was a child. When I was younger I would accept my fate and just go with it, I wouldn’t fight it, why bother right? I’m depressed, the last thing I felt like doing was challenging myself in any way. I would just sink further and further into my own sad little hole of woe.

I would issue a challenge to those who are depressed and feel stuck in a rut, do something nice for someone else, take the focus off yourself for just a brief amount of time. The fact of it is, at any given moment there are millions of us in pain, there are so so many people wanting to end it cause life just hurts so much, each moment feeling endless in it’s grief. Now i’m not saying to live by comparison, as each person’s pain and each person’s story is just as valid as the next persons whether one seems more severe than the other, it’s all valid. However, by going out of our way to do something nice for someone else we are putting positivity out into the world, whether it be something very small like opening a door for someone or buying a friend a coffee or offering someone lunch if you know they’re low on funds, whatever you can do, do it. It’s so easy to get completely wrapped up in ourselves and our pain when we are low, but by stepping out of it briefly and making someone else’s day a little better, we are breaking the cycle. You wont always receive the positive reaction it deserves but don’t be put off by this, more often than not acts of kindness are a surprise and are well received.

So once a day, try one little thing for someone else, anything you can do without cutting into your own welfare or funds too much. I’m a person who gets a buzz from giving and sharing so I benefit from this more than some perhaps, but I still think it can help. Those who are bipolar like I am will know it’s easy to be generous and share when you’re ‘up’, but I’ve been trying my best to do it when I’m down as well, it really does help break the cycle.

All the best everyone, peace 🙂


Not a bad day

Everything kind of climaxed yesterday, a few friends have flaked on me lately (real life AND wordpress ones) and things were very icy with hubby, it’s when things get like this that I tend to spiral, i end up in my own den of woe and instead of clawing up the walls (i got an image from labyrinth then for some reason, when she’s falling and all the hand face things are holding her) i tend to just let myself fall, into a pit of despair.

This time i monitored myself a little more, decided that i can’t control what my friends do and if they want to be douchey then fair enough, i think i’m a good person and ultimately they’ll miss out on what i have to offer. I spoke to husband maturely and with humility and we worked things out, brought it back from the brink. I’m still kind of bummed about my friend situation but there is something about me that drives a lot of people away, maybe i’m overbearing, maybe i care too much and it’s weird, who knows, i still have my good friends and very little could shake those friendships, so i’ll just be thankful for what i do have and try not to bitch out over what i don’t or could.

I saw a dermatologist this morning as i’ve had another flare up of psoriasis (happens from stress and during winter, went nuts when i lived in england) and he’s started me on UV treatment which i feel really positive about. I’m about to have lunch with my best friend and i found her a beautiful bone china three tiered cake stand that i think she’s going to LOVE, and even better, i went to pay $30 for it and it scanned for $20! Oh how i love a bargain, it gives me a weird little thrill, i’m such a geek lol but it’s true, it’s the little things, right?

So, as much as the depression is nipping at my heels and i’m certainly not as ‘up’ as i was a couple of weeks ago, i’m trying my utmost to stay positive. I see my psych doc tonight and i’m hoping he’ll increase the dose of one of my meds which i believe will help pull me back up again, i’m already on quite a high dose so i don’t know how it will go but fingers crossed.

I hope everyone else is managing to stave off the darkness too! Peace


Not so merry go round

I’m in the throws of deep despair

I cry out silently but no one’s there

I can’t tell them what’s going on

I can’t tell them how it all went wrong

So I stay silent, screaming inside

In my own pain I bathe and abide

I want someone close but push them away

If I had the chance I’d not know what to say

Help me please, make me feel something other

Help me please, be a friend or a Mother

I just need this pain to end

I just need this ache to bend

then all of a sudden, I pull myself out

I’m positive again, I scream and I shout

I’m hIappy now and I try to help others

I’m happy now, you’re all sisters and brothers

I feel like I could fly, let’s maybe write a play

There’s so many things I can do in just one single day

The memories of pain they quickly fade away

And I feel amazing I’ve found my voice and words to say

Suddenly again, the sadness starts to creep

Suddenly again, all I want to do is sleep

If I’m not awake then I can’t feel the pain

Oh God it hurts so much I wont ever be the same

Just breathe, just breathe, and quiet the angry voice

Just breathe, just breathe, don’t make the final choice

So round and round and round I go

Up and down and round I show

On the not so merry go round

Will true peace ever be found?



suicide: the saddest solution

after doing my usual morning routine i sat down to read that stephen fry attempted suicide last year, and that paris jackson attempted suicide overnight. this makes me so sad. it was a few years ago i watched stephen fry’s documentary the life of the manic depressive, i identified with many of the stories and information so i went to my GP and said “i think i’m bipolar”, he got me to do some flimsy ten question thing and confidently stated ‘no, you’re not bipolar, you still have depression and anxiety’. it wasn’t till i started seeing my psychiatrist about a year ago and did a very long, in depth questionnaire and after doing so sat down with him and he said to me “have you ever suspected that you could be bipolar? because i strongly believe this is what you suffer from” – it was a dark time for me, and having a name for it, an identity for the shadows that stalk me shone a light on the dark places. it didn’t instantly cure me, but it gave me a starting place to learn more about my illness and triggers and tricks. i have always been thankful to stephen fry for being brave enough to make such a documentary, it may have taken a few years for the connection to be made with myself but if i hadn’t of watched it i would have blindly gone along with the wrong diagnosis.

i get the appeal of suicide, i really do. it’s not a place i go often, but i’ve been there more times than i care to admit. sometimes just existing seems to hurt so much that you can’t go on for another minute, it seems a chore just to breathe. you feel so alone and isolated, like nothing could possibly make things ok again, it just hurts so so much. and i know that in these times it can take every bit of strength a person has in them not to give in and quit, because that’s what it is, quitting life.

on the rare occasion i do get that low, it’s my kids that pull me through, i could never do that to them. and i think every one needs to find at least one thing to anchor themselves to, that one thing that makes them want to go on even when it feels like they can’t. i wish i could be there for anyone feeling this kind of pain, just to tell them that it passes, it always passes, it feels impossible right now but it always passes. and it’s only through such empty and sad times that i have come to appreciate any glimpse of happiness i get, any chance to feel good and positive is one that i hold onto for dear life, and when you live for those moments you’ll find yourself paying less attention to the pain.

so, search for happiness. for me it’s the little things, a kind gesture from a friend, an entertaining article, a blog post i really relate to, anything, find happiness wherever you can and focus on that. when the darkness comes, don’t allow it the power to end your life, experience it, hold onto your anchor and you will always make it through.