mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Little Tree

I sway in the wind like a limp little tree

Watching as the world passes by me

I sink my roots deep down in the ground

Searching for things that cannot be found

Searching for something to heal my pained mind

But a limp little tree, such things cannot find

I wave around for someone to see me

I stretch out wide and high in futility

Silently screaming for someone to hear

And maybe plant a little tree somewhere near

It’s been winter for a thousand days

After a while you run out of ways

To find the things you need

To find the food to feed

But someone came and watered me

I burst with life and strength instantly

I’m still just a limp, little tree

But now I have some fight in me

4 Comments »

Bipolar makes relationships so freakin hard

I think it’s the bipolar, i’m sure within myself i see the grey area and am fairly open minded, but bipolar can make things very black or white. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, we have been struggling a bit of late, but the last few months have been really great. I have been trying my absolute best and hardest to make things work and he has been putting in a lot of effort too, but when something comes up and i try to talk to him about it, i get a brick wall. He turns things around and tries to make me the bad guy, i’m not trying to make anyone the bad guy i’m just trying to talk, but i don’t know how much more i can take of this, we haven’t been on truly steady ground for a while now and i wonder just how far down the rabbit hole i’d fall if he wasn’t around. But I don’t know how much longer we can tread water, something’s got to give.

I think my bipolar has affected me in a way in which I am going to be a lonely person, people don’t flock around me as i share my opinions too freely, i don’t edit myself enough i just say what i think, and i can understand how this puts people off side. i have a handful of close friends but there’s only so far a friendship can go, there’s only so much of each others shit you will put up with in a friendship, so yeah, i’m feeling pretty alone.

He’s sitting out there in the lounge right now with the kids, i can’t bare to be in the same room with him at the moment because it makes me want to cry, so i’m hiding away in the bedroom writing and watching tv. Surely my kids have sussed that something is wrong, we usually all do things together, i don’t know what to do.

I’ve cancelled plans we had for today because there’s no way either of us can put a smile on our faces and make it through a social occasion, we aren’t even talking to each other i don’t feel like talking to everyone else and pretending everything is great.

I wonder if i was born with bipolar or if all the messed up shit that happened to me caused it, part of me thinks it’s the latter and i get angry at the people that did those things to me when i was young. i get angry at my mother for letting it happen ’cause now i’m a broken human who can’t make relationships work and who feels completely isolated from the world. Anyway, just my rant, it’s best to get this stuff out.

12 Comments »

Be a lover

Beneath the skin and flesh and bone, we are all the same

But due to expectations some feel inadequate and plain

Others feel not smart enough, not witty or not bright

Others don’t feel they fit in, they never feel quite right

We shuffle past one another, looking at our feet

Before we even wage a battle we often accept defeat

Rely on a diagnosis as a reason not to try

On our illness we get comfortably numb and on this we rely

Let’s start to look each other in the eye as we walk by

Let’s ask each other how they’re doing, can I help you try?

In small steps we can amount, and truly make a change

Let’s not get stuck for ever but help each other turn the page

Let’s connect and truly care and show vulnerability

It’s not the easier path to choose but it’s the one of sensibility

To input a little good, into this messed up world

Together we can emerge from our pain and become unfurled

I know it seems an impossible task, the world seems too far gone

But one by one the little things can change what’s really wrong

We can’t obtain world peace but we can certainly help each other

So let’s make an effort to turn around, don’t be a fighter be a lover

2 Comments »

Traveling Unmanned

As I walk along the path, the night air nips my skin

My pace is fast and steady can’t help trying but to begin

Thinking of all the things that press down on my heart

A voice keeps nagging at me “you were doomed from the very start”

My heartbeat pulses against my ribs I can barely catch my breath

It’s as though I’m running away from life, life and love and death

All these things all at once I feel like I am drowning

I look up at the moon and I’m sure I hear a vicious howling

I stop dead in my pace, all of a sudden tightly I wind

There is no beast here present, the noise is in my mind

I’ve worked myself to such a state that I can barely breathe

I notice that I’m crying and wipe my cheek off with my sleeve

All this angst and all this worry weighs heavy on my mind

I’m sure when I started walking it was for answers I would find

But Now I’m in a panic and I don’t know where I am

I slowly turn around to figure out where I began

I’m lost and cold and out of breath I fall down to my knees

I see the moon disappear behind a cloud behind some trees

I stay like this, weeping, heaped upon the ground

Surely this is no way, for answers to be found

My heart rate slows I take in air it stings my beating chest

I realize I feel helpless, even though I do my best

Life is still so fucking hard, there’s still so much to bear

And I can’t find escape from it not here not anywhere

I slowly make my way back home, slower in my pace

My head feels cloudy and out of control, it’s not a healthy space

I dream of peace and all it brings and wonder if I can

It feels as though I’m on a train, traveling unmanned

3 Comments »

Letters to a stranger

Dear Dad, I know I never met you, you’ve never been in my life

You barely knew my Mother not your girlfriend nor your wife

But I have so many questions, some things I’d like to know

I wonder what you look like what your job is where you go

From day to day the people you see and those who you surround

I wonder why you never came to see me, why you never came around

It makes me wonder if there’s always been a fault under my skin

But logically I know it’s not me I just don’t know where to begin

My Grandpa once told me that I have my Father’s eyes

And I’m pretty sure things Mum said about you were nothing more than lies

She’s scared of me finding you and I can’t help but wonder why

I wish you would have said hello so I could have at least said goodbye

It feels as though there’s pieces of me scattered all over the place

I wonder what I inherited from you and if I have your face

My hands are small, are they yours, did they come from you?

All these questions unanswered, I just don’t know what to do

Somehow I miss a person, I’ve never even met

My Mother says you’re evil, you took drugs and liked to bet

But my Mother let bad things happen, nothing did she do

Yet she tells me you’d be bad for me, the bad parent would be you

I just wish that I could see you once and maybe get some answers

I just want to talk to you I promise not to badger

But surely you can understand I feel I’m missing part of me

I’ll never know why you disappeared but waiting I will always be

10 Comments »

Undeserved affliction

I hear his car pull in the drive

I run to my room and try to hide

I don’t yet know of his demeanour

But yesterday he was certainly meaner

Than I’ve ever seen before

He knocked me down onto the floor

I remember it in flashes and stills

He’s been out drinking he’s had his thrills

I turn off the lights and lay silent

I hope he’s too tired to be violent

I hear him yell from the door

Please God I can’t take much more

Thud thud thud, his boots up the hall

I hear him fall against the wall

He swears as he corrects himself

It looks like the beast will show itself

I hear him crash against my door

I hold my breath and count till four

On five he falls into my room

And in the air I sense my doom

He stumbles over and grabs my hair

I scream for help but no one’s there

He smiles as he yanks me from my bed

Punched first in the stomach, then in the head

I try my best to fight him back

He laughs at me while my tears they track

Down my swollen cheek so red

He kneels down and hits me again in the head

I feel so weak against his might

What did I do to warrant this fight

Somehow time starts to speed up

Soon he will have had enough

He kicks me as he calls me shit

Tells me I’m not worth one bit

He wouldn’t drench me if I were on fire

He kicks my side and starts to tire

I lay on the floor, weeping and heaving

Soon enough he stumbles, he’s leaving

I’m bruised and battered, left for dead

Help was the only word I’d said

But somehow he made me believe

I deserved the things he did to me

15 Comments »

Open eyes and open mind

Just because something’s different doesn’t mean that it is wrong

Just because a piece doesn’t fit your puzzle doesn’t mean it doesn’t belong

We all have different hearts different souls and different minds

If you stop to care and question many answers may you find

Tall or short big or small white or black or other

We could be so happy if we just accepted one another

Our differences aren’t things of which one should be ashamed

Your opinion isn’t something for which you should ever be blamed

For what makes us different is what make life interesting and true

So I challenge those who think that way, watch the actions that you choose

And the words you speak to those you deem inappropriate

For if we were all the same the world would be grey and disproportionate

If you approach this world with an open heart and with an open mind

There’s literally untold treasures that you will be able to find

Beauty lies in different forms and it’s truly all around

But only when ones eyes are open can such beauty be found

6 Comments »

Angry fists and broken plates – a reading

This is a reading of my poem angry fists and broken plates

If it shows up as “download” just click on the title and on my page there will be an audio bar, no download.

Peace 🙂

Angry fists and broken plates

7 Comments »

Somebody cares

I’m getting an understanding of honesty and the peace it brings

I’ve finally knocked down my walls and opened up, my heart it sings

I spent years and years internally confined

Trying to convince myself that everything was fine

All that time chewed up inside and hiding all my pain

Holding my secrets like treasured kept me all wrapped up in chains

But finally, somehow, I dug deep down within

And found the strength to tell my tales, this battle I will win

Now I try to offer an ear to those

Who seemed stuck in their own true woes

I see others still wrapped up all tight

I want to help them with their fight

Happiness doesn’t just appear, it’s something we need to earn

I had just accepted depression but for joy I always yearned

If we all try just a little, to help with others pain

Then we’ll all be one step closer to being healthy calm and sane

Feeling alone is the catalyst to so much isolation and despair

So if you see someone hurting, try telling them that you’re there

Sometimes all we need…..is to know somebody cares

5 Comments »

To make a place that’s home

It makes me sad to see others hurting and alone

I wish I could make you believe it’s ok, you don’t have to do it on your own

But we all build walls around us, we think it keeps us safe

But walls also keep things in and others out, it’s such a waste

We miss many opportunities to connect with one another

You don’t have to be born of blood to be a sister or a brother

If we share our stories unburden our pain

Each others trust and friendship we gain

But walls are all around us, keep us tightly locked away

We whittle away the years, avoiding what we dare not say

So maybe it’s something to consider, something of which to think

Next time you’re feeling all alone and desperate, on the brink

Pull down a few bricks and male a hole for others to peek through

Then we can really help each other, so let the world see you

I know it takes a little trust and sometimes trust is sparse

But we have more in common than you think, all you have to do is ask

There’s no point feeling isolated, feeling all alone

When we can help each other, to make a place that’s home

14 Comments »