I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Can paying it forward help depression?

I think it can, yes. I have suffered from depression for 20 years, since i was a child. When I was younger I would accept my fate and just go with it, I wouldn’t fight it, why bother right? I’m depressed, the last thing I felt like doing was challenging myself in any way. I would just sink further and further into my own sad little hole of woe.

I would issue a challenge to those who are depressed and feel stuck in a rut, do something nice for someone else, take the focus off yourself for just a brief amount of time. The fact of it is, at any given moment there are millions of us in pain, there are so so many people wanting to end it cause life just hurts so much, each moment feeling endless in it’s grief. Now i’m not saying to live by comparison, as each person’s pain and each person’s story is just as valid as the next persons whether one seems more severe than the other, it’s all valid. However, by going out of our way to do something nice for someone else we are putting positivity out into the world, whether it be something very small like opening a door for someone or buying a friend a coffee or offering someone lunch if you know they’re low on funds, whatever you can do, do it. It’s so easy to get completely wrapped up in ourselves and our pain when we are low, but by stepping out of it briefly and making someone else’s day a little better, we are breaking the cycle. You wont always receive the positive reaction it deserves but don’t be put off by this, more often than not acts of kindness are a surprise and are well received.

So once a day, try one little thing for someone else, anything you can do without cutting into your own welfare or funds too much. I’m a person who gets a buzz from giving and sharing so I benefit from this more than some perhaps, but I still think it can help. Those who are bipolar like I am will know it’s easy to be generous and share when you’re ‘up’, but I’ve been trying my best to do it when I’m down as well, it really does help break the cycle.

All the best everyone, peace 🙂


Somebody cares

I’m getting an understanding of honesty and the peace it brings

I’ve finally knocked down my walls and opened up, my heart it sings

I spent years and years internally confined

Trying to convince myself that everything was fine

All that time chewed up inside and hiding all my pain

Holding my secrets like treasured kept me all wrapped up in chains

But finally, somehow, I dug deep down within

And found the strength to tell my tales, this battle I will win

Now I try to offer an ear to those

Who seemed stuck in their own true woes

I see others still wrapped up all tight

I want to help them with their fight

Happiness doesn’t just appear, it’s something we need to earn

I had just accepted depression but for joy I always yearned

If we all try just a little, to help with others pain

Then we’ll all be one step closer to being healthy calm and sane

Feeling alone is the catalyst to so much isolation and despair

So if you see someone hurting, try telling them that you’re there

Sometimes all we need… to know somebody cares


Misunderstood hand extended

I listen to the rain as it patters on the roof

I watch the droplets falling as I feel cold and aloof

There is a chill in the air and I can see my own breath

I contemplate the big things like God, life and death

I wonder how many people, there are just like me

Treading the line so dubiously between sane and insanity

My skin reacts to the temperature with bumps and hairs on end

I wonder if the broken mind is something one can mend

I notice my breathing changes as I worry for what’s to come

I seem to be getting anxious that all my work will be undone

I spent so many years fighting memories of past

And found and unknown freedom in confronting it at last

But here I sit, cold and grim and stuck in my own mind

I refocus on the rain but again my troubles I find

They silently creep back in, the back door to my brain

And again it leaves me wondering, how far am I from sane?

One thing I have in common, with others just like me

Is that we feel detached from things, we are all lonely

I try to reach out and lend and ear, sometimes the gesture is met with fear

Or simply misunderstood intentions, I don’t do things by normal conventions

If I see another in pain, I reach out a hand to heal

But some seem to want to keep it in, just feel the way they feel

What can I do to change myself and help others around?

I know there has to be a way, a solution to be found


the bachelor/ette and why we like to watch others fall over

seriously, no offense to anyone who likes the show but….

yesterday while studying i had the tv going in the background and as my brain often does while studying, i desperately clung onto a distraction. now, it was a woman with a bunch of men bidding for her affection so i’m guessing it was the bachelorette as opposed to the bachelor but either way, it’s the same contemptible theme. i watched a couple of episodes, well parts of episodes, of the bachelor about a year ago, i do this sometimes just to figure out why things are so popular, and i think the bachelor appeals because of that morbid fascination society has with watching a train wreck unravel before their eyes.

for anyone not familiar with the show, i believe they start with what like 15 or 20 women (or men for the bachelorette) and one bachelor. they go on group dates and he gets to chose women for one on one dates and basically, all these people compete and show pony themselves to try and score a marriage proposal at the end of the season. when they eliminate contestants, they do a rose ceremony where successful women are given a rose and asked to stay, and the one left standing there flowerless is sent home, no husband for her!

for starters, how the hell can you truly get to know a person when they have to be ‘on’ ALL the time. one slight sign of any personality flaws and you’re effectively done for. half the people there see the bachelor as a prize to be won, and use tactics against other contestants in their desperate attempts for attention, ’cause when you have that many women fighting for one dude, attention must be hard to come by.

so based on the premise of having to be attractive and together and enticing ALL of the time, more so than other accomplished attractive women, how the fuck does anyone really get to know anyone else? they don’t, the show has a terrible success rate when it comes to the relationships lasting beyond the show. i mean, if you spent a couple of months having these women fawn over you and cater to your every whim, you feel that you fall in love with one in particular and start a life with this person, only to find that once the game’s up she’s a real life girl with flaws and faults and imperfections, well goodness, earth shattering shit right? it’s setting people up to fail, i genuinely believe it’s pretty harmful to the women involved, and men in the case of the bachelorette, but from what i can tell they are usually a little more resilient as the competition portion is key for them.

so why am i having a whinge about a tv show? well, ’cause i felt like it really, haha. i know it’s not my usual garb but it really got under my skin and i needed to vent a little. it reminds me of the current situation with Amanda Bynes, anyone with a vague understanding of mental health or even a decent sense of appropriation can tell that this girl is surfing a different reality wave to most, that there is definitely some pretty serious issues at play and yet she has 1.7 million followers on twitter (where she does most of her hate speeches). i admit, i briefly followed her a little while ago, i saw people egging her on ‘go amanda, ignore the haters you’re amazing’, that kind of thing, it’s so sad that a person who is clearly screaming for help has these yes people helping her believe it’s not her, it’s the rest of the world.

the same thing happened with charlie sheen, his mental issues peaked and suddenly he was on twitter with a bazillion followers. he did a tour ffs! tiger blood and all that nonsense, even he’s admitted he was balls out crazy there for a while, but the public loved it, watched on with amazement.

the fact of it is, so long as people out there are eating this shit up, they are gonna keep making such shows and reporting on such people. it’s the modern day version of going to the circus to see a freak show, so you can’t blame society for being human, but maybe we can encourage each other to support instead of point and stare and laugh.

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