mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Rock bottom again

So i’ve had a crazy few days. I spent the night before last in the hospital, on suicide watch. I’m not being treated as an outpatient by what they call the “CATT team” here in australia.

How did i arrive at rock bottom? Well, all these years I knew deep down that I had been sexually abused when I was young. But i have opened the proverbial pandora’s box and thought i was dealing with it, but i wasn’t keeping up.

The flashbacks of the abuse started to fill my head constantly, i could almost feel his breath on my neck, i could almost smell his smell and feel his moustach against my cheek. I took some old oxy that i had laying around from my back issues, trying to block it all out, it gave me temporary peace, as anyone who has abused an opiate knows, the good feelings you get when you take it, you end up paying for later in bad feelings.

Then, on wednesday of this week someone close to me screwed me over badly and put me in a difficult situation, and it made me spiral. I ended up hysterical, wanting to end my life. A close friend took my children for me and i went to hospital, i collapsed in the waiting area and was rushed through with heart palpitations and an extremely fast heart rate. It’s all a bit of a blur, There were nurses and doctors all around me, stripping me off and attaching sticky pads to all parts of me, there were questions asked, many questions. I can’t remember a lot of it, i was in and out of consciousness, then my heart rate settled and i came to. They moved me to an emergency ward bed and had a psych consultant come by. He said he wouldn’t be able to see me that night but that i was first on his list for the next morning and that then nurses would be there to help me with anything and keep an eye on me, which was true to the point of them knocking on the toilet door when i was more than 3 minutes.

For anyone who has spent a night on an emergency ward, you would know that sleep is sparse and noise is plenty. So many people coming and going, so many  machines making so many noises, i managed to get a few hours sleep until a patient came in screaming in pain, she was right next to me in the next bay. It’s all quite grim really, but if you are worried that you may harm yourself it’s better to be there than not be there.

The psych consult came back the next morning and we had a talk, we decided that i would be treated as an outpatient by the catt team. Basically they are social workers, nurses, case managers those kind of people, they come out to your home and sometimes provide you with medication to get through a temporary situation. The urge to do it is still there but my husband took a couple of days off work to be home for me and with him and my kids around, i know i will be safe. I know that if things bubble up too much again i will either call the CATT team or go back to the hospital.

So here I am again at rock bottom, it’s not a nice feeling and each moment is quite painful, it’s hard just to get through. It feels like i’m moving through time but time has become a thick jelly like substance and i can’t move freely or with ease. Almost every time i close my eyes i see his face, my abuser, i hear the things he would say to me in my head, i remember how small and insignificant i felt while i was being abused and it all rushes back to me, i feel small and empty.

Suicidal thoughts are nothing to be taken lightly, i sometimes find myself slightly frustrated with those who constantly say things like ‘i’m just going to end it all i’ve decided to die it’s just a matter of time’ – it’s posturing really, not to say their pain isn’t real but if you are seriously worried you may kill yourself, get yourself to a hospital, like i’ve said, it’s not the most comfortable environment but it’s important to hold onto life, because as much as things hurt right now, i know they will get better. i know i will get better and be able to function again and put positivity out into the world again. i know i can make positive changes in the lives of those who care about me, albeit small it doesn’t matter, i have to hold onto these thoughts and the hope that i know it will get better. Never use suicide as a threat to get attention, if you want attention just ask for it, just say what you’re feeling and you will get attention. As someone who has genuinely been scared by my own thoughts and possible actions, i implore others to take it as seriously as possible.

I owe a couple of my fellow bloggers an email, I’m sorry i fell off the radar this week but as you’ve read, things have been quite intense for me and i’m sorry if anyone feels let down. I’m always here for you as much as i can be, but sometimes i’m not able to look after myself and need help too.

I hope all of you are doing well, i can’t wait to get better and start to write more poetry again and contribute more positivity.

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Do you feel completely alone and misunderstood?

I think one of the biggest challenges with having a mental illness is that we keep so much locked away. We worry that if we share what’s inside people will ostracize us and quite often, it’s true. I think all of us have had an experience where we’ve had a friend tell us ‘you can tell me anything’ and when we give them a glimpse of what’s going on underneath, they pull away or it overwhelms them.

The fact of it is, if you haven’t been through similar experiences with mental illness, it does freak people out. It does overwhelm people, and it’s not their fault, people want to be good friends and want to know us well because that’s how people bond, but when we have an experience where we put ourselves out there and share with someone who hasn’t necessarily experienced something similar, and it ends up pushing them away, it makes us build walls around us.

I’ve had a few experiences where i’ve had a ‘good’ friend who has sensed something was wrong and has asked me to open up and share, only to back away when i’ve done so. It hurts so much to bear your soul only to feel rejected, and it’s only with a bit of age and experience that i’ve learned that it’s not their fault, people do generally have good intentions but it just isn’t something a person can understand without experiencing it.

My husband doesn’t suffer any manner of mental illness, he’s felt ‘blue’ on occasion, he has mood swings within the ‘normal’ realm of human behaviour, but as far as mental health goes he’s a picture of wellness. He’s quiet, deals with things as they come and doesn’t really have any kind of inner turmoil. It’s taken over ten years for him to understand what goes on with me. he’s the only ‘non mental’ person i trust to tell what’s really going on with me but like i said, it took years for us to get to a place where he really understood my mental illness.

The problem with keeping all of our issues and turmoil locked away is that we never truly deal with it, we convince ourselves that we are ‘too crazy’ or crazier than everyone else and that sharing what’s going on would only alienate us from others and compound our problems. After being burnt from sharing my issues, I spent many years locking it all away and refusing to let anyone know what was going on beneath the surface, convinced it would just end badly and end friendships. The truth of it is, when we share with others who have had similar experiences, when we relate to others and feel understood by others, it helps more than I can express. We can start to gain the strength to confront our issues when we feel less alone in our pain, and it’s only by confronting our issues and our past and shining a light into all of those dark hidden places, that we will ever gain any kind of true peace. We can take meds and have good patches but when your mental illness is due to or in conjunction with past issues and trauma, you will never be able to move forward without dealing with these issues, and it’s almost impossible to deal with them alone.

So, for anyone feeling alone right now, like no one understands or just that you’re scared to share because you don’t want to be rejected, I urge you to find the ‘right’ person, not necessarily your best friend, not necessarily your neighbour, but you can find someone on wordpress who has been through what you have been through, not exactly perhaps, but something similar enough to gain understanding.

I started this blog a couple of months ago and the progress I have made with my own past and struggles has been more than I’ve made in the past 15 years. It’s amazing to me, I opened up and started being as honest as I could be, decided to put it all out there and literally in two months I have healed more than I have in the past 15 years. It’s all because I’ve been able to connect with others who are like minded and have suffered similar shit to me.

I have received training as a counselor, so if you want an ear and the anonymity of a relative stranger, feel free to email me at mckarliebear@gmail.com – i will reply to any emails i get. If you want advice or just to tell your story, I’m happy to listen and be there for you. It doesn’t have to be me, just find someone who has been through something similar to you and try to share, I can’t tell you how much it will help.

A lot of us think we will never be free of our burdens, but only we can heal ourselves, and it takes hard work and effort and we need to be brave. But the first step is opening up, knocking down some of those walls that we’ve built around ourselves to keep it all out, but by keeping the world out we also keep ourselves locked in, and we wont get anywhere that way. 

So many suicides could have been avoided if people didn’t feel so alone and hopeless in their lives, if they could have had someone say ‘i know exactly how you feel’ and related to them. I am bipolar, only diagnosed a year and a bit ago, until then I was told I suffered depression and anxiety. I was sexually abused as a child, then physically abused by my Mother’s second husband, I was then abandoned by my Mother and spent years abusing alcohol and drugs and partaking in dysfunctional sexual relationships. So if you want to share or talk, then please feel free.

Peace

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Bipolar, my 50 shads of cray

I’m having a depressive episode, the last thing I feel like doing is writing which is why it seemed prevalent for me to do so. It’s like the colour has been sucked out of everything. When I’m “up” everything is bright, I want to help others, I smile at the people who serve me in stores, I smile at strangers who pass me on the street. I write endless amounts of poetry and stories, I’m full of creative energy and bursting to share with everyone.

When I’m down, it’s like everything is a lighter shade of what it should be, greyish. I don’t smile at strangers, I don’t talk to people who serve me in stores, I get angrier when I drive. I find myself staring off into nothing for what seems like endless amounts of time. Everything seems like an effort, going to get milk from the store, taking my daughter to get new shoes, it all feels like WOE IS ME, and I then feel guilt over being so ‘slack’ – logically i know i’m not slack, I have an illness, but it’s hard not to feel guilty when I feel myself being so unpleasant, so empty.

I know it’s just a matter of time till it passes, I know it will pass, thanks to medication i’m not as low as i tend to get during an episode, i’m just numb. I’m like a zombie, there’s small signs of life here and there but for the most part, I’m just on autopilot trying to get through, waiting till I’m back up and can feel again. I feel like my ‘up’ self is my true self, that I am a happy person who gets a tad manic at times but for the most part my up isn’t manic, it’s just happy and productive. There’s no point in drawing lines as to where my illness ends and where i begin, it’s an impossible task, I can do so in my behaviours by analyzing and trying to figure that out but when it comes to me as a person, such lines can’t be drawn.

Anyway, to all who are feeling the same, I feel for you. Not as much as I normally would lol oh gosh is that a bad joke? You have to laugh at yourself sometimes or else you truly will go crazy. But genuinely, I know there are others out there feeling shitty just like me, I know there are others having the up part of the cycle at the moment, it’s all part of the different shades of cray, ha.

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Lost and Unsure

I have this pain inside my soul

And my heart it has a gaping hole

I try and try to fill it up

But nothing seems to be quite enough

I fall so far I can’t see day

I fall so deep I lose my way

I wish that I could figure out

What this life is truly about

I try to be kind and share my love

I’ve tried to be aloof and watch from above

 

I have tried all different ways

To make it through my twisted days

But it feels like I’m lost in an endless haze

 

I hold onto pain from my past

I worry for all of my days it will last

All I want is love and family

But it would seem it’s not destined for me

I need to know what I’m about

I need to let the grief flow out

But I lock it down deep in my heart

I want to heal but don’t know where to start

One day I hope I’ll find the peace

And soothe the inner savage beast

That haunts me from the inside out

It tears me up it, I hear it shout

I cry out for some piece of mind

I hope and pray one day I’ll find

25 Comments »

Little Tree

I sway in the wind like a limp little tree

Watching as the world passes by me

I sink my roots deep down in the ground

Searching for things that cannot be found

Searching for something to heal my pained mind

But a limp little tree, such things cannot find

I wave around for someone to see me

I stretch out wide and high in futility

Silently screaming for someone to hear

And maybe plant a little tree somewhere near

It’s been winter for a thousand days

After a while you run out of ways

To find the things you need

To find the food to feed

But someone came and watered me

I burst with life and strength instantly

I’m still just a limp, little tree

But now I have some fight in me

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Can paying it forward help depression?

I think it can, yes. I have suffered from depression for 20 years, since i was a child. When I was younger I would accept my fate and just go with it, I wouldn’t fight it, why bother right? I’m depressed, the last thing I felt like doing was challenging myself in any way. I would just sink further and further into my own sad little hole of woe.

I would issue a challenge to those who are depressed and feel stuck in a rut, do something nice for someone else, take the focus off yourself for just a brief amount of time. The fact of it is, at any given moment there are millions of us in pain, there are so so many people wanting to end it cause life just hurts so much, each moment feeling endless in it’s grief. Now i’m not saying to live by comparison, as each person’s pain and each person’s story is just as valid as the next persons whether one seems more severe than the other, it’s all valid. However, by going out of our way to do something nice for someone else we are putting positivity out into the world, whether it be something very small like opening a door for someone or buying a friend a coffee or offering someone lunch if you know they’re low on funds, whatever you can do, do it. It’s so easy to get completely wrapped up in ourselves and our pain when we are low, but by stepping out of it briefly and making someone else’s day a little better, we are breaking the cycle. You wont always receive the positive reaction it deserves but don’t be put off by this, more often than not acts of kindness are a surprise and are well received.

So once a day, try one little thing for someone else, anything you can do without cutting into your own welfare or funds too much. I’m a person who gets a buzz from giving and sharing so I benefit from this more than some perhaps, but I still think it can help. Those who are bipolar like I am will know it’s easy to be generous and share when you’re ‘up’, but I’ve been trying my best to do it when I’m down as well, it really does help break the cycle.

All the best everyone, peace 🙂

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Falling Flower

Her beauty is obvious to all who gaze upon her

She likes her pretty things and has a collection of fur

She has a high rise apartment with city views afar

When you walk down the street with her she leaves mens jaws ajar

One day I noticed on her arm a trail of hand made cuts

She noticed that I’d noticed and made her ifs and buts

I wondered why this beauty, who could turn heads with a smile

Would feel so out of control, somehow see herself as vile

She told me next time I saw her that it was rape that began her pain

And that her Father left her, she had never been the same

She wears a smile for the world to see because she feels it’s best

She says people are nicer to her as she’s prettier than the rest

What would people think if they knew she had her flaws

She’s scared that showing vulnerability will somehow close down doors

I told this pretty flower what is inside makes it’s way out

And if she keeps hiding her pain so deep she’d break, I had no doubt

She assured me that she had control and only did as she chose

She couldn’t let the world see that inside she’s broken and morose

I tried to break the shell outside to pull out what was hidden

But after time and time again I learned it was forbidden

So imagine how sad it was to hear the most heartbreaking news

That apartment with the fancy furs and amazing city views

Had a balcony, up high above – oh what a choice to choose

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Fallen Star

The moment that I realized, when I found out you had died

I had to wear a brave face but it was on the inside that I cried

It had been a long time since you and I had spoken

And when I last had seen you we’d left so many pieces broken

We made some peace and laid, side by side in the sun

There was a good portion of my life I thought you were the one

But you were the first to taste my love the first to go inside

The first to do a lot of things, we’d plans I’d be your bride

No one told me of the accident, you’d fallen from a cliff

I had a feeling something was wrong but I was shunned on a tiff

Now you visit in my dreams almost every night

I wonder if it’s really you or me trying to put things right

To redo things with me and you, find a happy ending

But you were gone so long ago, no hope for us of mending

I hope you are in heaven or somewhere you are free

Of all the things that trapped you in life, this brash insanity

All the things that kept you caged now can’t hold you down

I hope in death there is some way your peace was finally found

6 Comments »

Not a bad day

Everything kind of climaxed yesterday, a few friends have flaked on me lately (real life AND wordpress ones) and things were very icy with hubby, it’s when things get like this that I tend to spiral, i end up in my own den of woe and instead of clawing up the walls (i got an image from labyrinth then for some reason, when she’s falling and all the hand face things are holding her) i tend to just let myself fall, into a pit of despair.

This time i monitored myself a little more, decided that i can’t control what my friends do and if they want to be douchey then fair enough, i think i’m a good person and ultimately they’ll miss out on what i have to offer. I spoke to husband maturely and with humility and we worked things out, brought it back from the brink. I’m still kind of bummed about my friend situation but there is something about me that drives a lot of people away, maybe i’m overbearing, maybe i care too much and it’s weird, who knows, i still have my good friends and very little could shake those friendships, so i’ll just be thankful for what i do have and try not to bitch out over what i don’t or could.

I saw a dermatologist this morning as i’ve had another flare up of psoriasis (happens from stress and during winter, went nuts when i lived in england) and he’s started me on UV treatment which i feel really positive about. I’m about to have lunch with my best friend and i found her a beautiful bone china three tiered cake stand that i think she’s going to LOVE, and even better, i went to pay $30 for it and it scanned for $20! Oh how i love a bargain, it gives me a weird little thrill, i’m such a geek lol but it’s true, it’s the little things, right?

So, as much as the depression is nipping at my heels and i’m certainly not as ‘up’ as i was a couple of weeks ago, i’m trying my utmost to stay positive. I see my psych doc tonight and i’m hoping he’ll increase the dose of one of my meds which i believe will help pull me back up again, i’m already on quite a high dose so i don’t know how it will go but fingers crossed.

I hope everyone else is managing to stave off the darkness too! Peace

12 Comments »

Trying blindly

I feel as though I’m invisible no matter how much I try

I feel as though I’m laughed at and it makes me want to cry

All I want to do is help and heal each others pain

But most they find me odd you see as I don’t play the game

I don’t say one thing to a person’s face, another behind their back

I don’t act passive aggressively and pick up others slack

If I have a feeling or a motive I feel I make it clear

This isn’t the kind of person that most people want to be near

I feel a little sorry for myself yes I guess it’s true

But it’s only because all I tried to do was simply to help you

And people either back away or take until you’re spent

I’ve written so many letters which will always stay unsent

I want to share my feelings but I stop and make a track

‘Cause once you share a feeling there’s no way to take it back

And I have learned that most are best when inside goes unsaid

Most people just want chit chat, their life to be unshared

So I will keep on trying and hurting as I do

If you know someone who sounds like me, they probably just care for you

So maybe you could try a little bend and open up

“Cause if you keep it all inside then one day you’ll have had enough

You’ll look around to find a friend to find an open ear

And maybe when that time does come such a person will be nowhere near

 

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