I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Can paying it forward help depression?

I think it can, yes. I have suffered from depression for 20 years, since i was a child. When I was younger I would accept my fate and just go with it, I wouldn’t fight it, why bother right? I’m depressed, the last thing I felt like doing was challenging myself in any way. I would just sink further and further into my own sad little hole of woe.

I would issue a challenge to those who are depressed and feel stuck in a rut, do something nice for someone else, take the focus off yourself for just a brief amount of time. The fact of it is, at any given moment there are millions of us in pain, there are so so many people wanting to end it cause life just hurts so much, each moment feeling endless in it’s grief. Now i’m not saying to live by comparison, as each person’s pain and each person’s story is just as valid as the next persons whether one seems more severe than the other, it’s all valid. However, by going out of our way to do something nice for someone else we are putting positivity out into the world, whether it be something very small like opening a door for someone or buying a friend a coffee or offering someone lunch if you know they’re low on funds, whatever you can do, do it. It’s so easy to get completely wrapped up in ourselves and our pain when we are low, but by stepping out of it briefly and making someone else’s day a little better, we are breaking the cycle. You wont always receive the positive reaction it deserves but don’t be put off by this, more often than not acts of kindness are a surprise and are well received.

So once a day, try one little thing for someone else, anything you can do without cutting into your own welfare or funds too much. I’m a person who gets a buzz from giving and sharing so I benefit from this more than some perhaps, but I still think it can help. Those who are bipolar like I am will know it’s easy to be generous and share when you’re ‘up’, but I’ve been trying my best to do it when I’m down as well, it really does help break the cycle.

All the best everyone, peace 🙂


I wish I could believe in God

So many people I interact with on wordpress have faith, they have a relationship with God and talk often of it. I grew up in part raised by my Grandparents who were deeply religious people, especially my Grandfather, though they went to separate Churches, my Nan went to a quieter Uniting Church (under the anglican banner) and my Grandfather went to a lively Baptist Church. I was even a Sunday school teacher for a while, and believed in God without doubt. All the while, I was being abused by my Stepfather, I was being abandoned by my Mother and losing all my friends. I always felt like I was letting the side down when I was at Church, I saw all the godly people having these great personal relationships with God and I just didn’t feel it. So somewhere in my mid teens I became agnostic, I came to believe there could be a spiritual being out there, but I don’t believe there is an omni present God. I learned of all the contradictions in the bible, that being gay was a sin, so were many other things i consider to be normal parts of life. The bible was written thousands of years ago when life was very different, it was written by people who looked at the Romans and thought their ways sinful and wrong. It was written about Jesus by people who didn’t meet or know Jesus. And yet people base their whole lives on this book.

Don’t get me wrong, I fully respect everyone’s right to believe in God and I respect faith, it takes great strength to have faith in something that there is literally no proof of, and I’ve studied enough psychology to know that a collective reality is comforting to people, without God a lot of people would feel aimless and would break knowing that there may be just nothing, that when you die it’s possible you just die, that’s it.

I believe there are many great messages in the Koran as well as the Bible, be kind to one another, do unto others etc, and I try to live by these standards, but I just can’t bring myself to believe that God exists as the Church would have you believe, that if he truly loved us as much as he is meant to, that he would allow all of this suffering and pain that goes on in this world. I know as a parent, I give my children free will but if something was hurting them or someone was hurting them, there’s not a damn thing on this earth that could keep me from intervening. I also know that people are born Gay, it’s not a choice it’s just how a person is, it’s as natural as a man loving a woman, it doesn’t directly result in procreation, and the Romans were into it, so it must be bad….right? No. It’s not a sin.

I hope I’ve not alienated people, I genuinely wish I could believe in God and have faith. I recently started a friendship with a religious man who I thought was a good man, he got me thinking that God might truly be watching over me, but when he turned out to be a sleaze, it made me believe in God even less than before I knew him. I was the one that kept asking him to tell his wife of our friendship and he was the one that kept saying he couldn’t, yet in the same breath he’d speak of his love for his Lord. BLAH!

Anyway, just my thoughts. I’m sure faith is a great comfort to those who have it, and if God does exist and I’m wrong, I’m ok with that, I just can’t believe as things are.