mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Do dreams die from reality?

I’m 33. When I was younger I had many plans, travel, become a psychologist at some point, buy a house. I hadn’t planned on having a family, didn’t have any interest in having kids and when I was 19 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and told I’d need assistance to get pregnant.

So, I rent, I have two kids and a man of 13 years, i have partially finished 3 different bachelor degrees and am nowhere near buying a house because they cost at least half a million these days. I have given up on having any kind of extraordinary existence and seem to be treading water. I consider it a win when I have a day where I don’t feel utterly shit about myself, I have definitely settled.

Yesterday on Ellen there was a 64 year old woman who has just swam from cuba to the florida keys, she was banging on about inspiration and never giving up and the cynic in me cringed a bit as she spoke of her woes, but part of me was desperately jealous of this older woman who is out there kicking arse and not giving a shit about conventional boundaries. It made me think that maybe there is still time for me to be something awesome, maybe I can have an extraordinary existence. But then I quickly shoot myself down, reminding myself that I am afflicted with bipolar and basically that means I can have buckets of good intentions, but when a depressive episode hits everything stops. Study, relationships, life in general just goes into pause mode and I try to just survive.

Part of me thinks that I just need to keep writing novels until one of them is really good, but then I’m so neurotic that finishing a novel is almost impossible. The one i’m working on now has interest from a friend’s literary agent but that ultimately means nothing, it’s not a guarantee of anything happening, it’s just potential and at this rate who knows if I will actually finish it because I keep over analyzing details and whether I should have written in a certain character before killing them off or if I should have started from the impact of their death and blah blah blah. You get me, I procrastinate.

Do you still have dreams? Do we get to have a mental illness and aspire to be great? Or do we just settle and try to survive?

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Fallen Star

The moment that I realized, when I found out you had died

I had to wear a brave face but it was on the inside that I cried

It had been a long time since you and I had spoken

And when I last had seen you we’d left so many pieces broken

We made some peace and laid, side by side in the sun

There was a good portion of my life I thought you were the one

But you were the first to taste my love the first to go inside

The first to do a lot of things, we’d plans I’d be your bride

No one told me of the accident, you’d fallen from a cliff

I had a feeling something was wrong but I was shunned on a tiff

Now you visit in my dreams almost every night

I wonder if it’s really you or me trying to put things right

To redo things with me and you, find a happy ending

But you were gone so long ago, no hope for us of mending

I hope you are in heaven or somewhere you are free

Of all the things that trapped you in life, this brash insanity

All the things that kept you caged now can’t hold you down

I hope in death there is some way your peace was finally found

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