mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Undeserved affliction

I hear his car pull in the drive

I run to my room and try to hide

I don’t yet know of his demeanour

But yesterday he was certainly meaner

Than I’ve ever seen before

He knocked me down onto the floor

I remember it in flashes and stills

He’s been out drinking he’s had his thrills

I turn off the lights and lay silent

I hope he’s too tired to be violent

I hear him yell from the door

Please God I can’t take much more

Thud thud thud, his boots up the hall

I hear him fall against the wall

He swears as he corrects himself

It looks like the beast will show itself

I hear him crash against my door

I hold my breath and count till four

On five he falls into my room

And in the air I sense my doom

He stumbles over and grabs my hair

I scream for help but no one’s there

He smiles as he yanks me from my bed

Punched first in the stomach, then in the head

I try my best to fight him back

He laughs at me while my tears they track

Down my swollen cheek so red

He kneels down and hits me again in the head

I feel so weak against his might

What did I do to warrant this fight

Somehow time starts to speed up

Soon he will have had enough

He kicks me as he calls me shit

Tells me I’m not worth one bit

He wouldn’t drench me if I were on fire

He kicks my side and starts to tire

I lay on the floor, weeping and heaving

Soon enough he stumbles, he’s leaving

I’m bruised and battered, left for dead

Help was the only word I’d said

But somehow he made me believe

I deserved the things he did to me

15 Comments »

Angry fists and broken plates – a reading

This is a reading of my poem angry fists and broken plates

If it shows up as “download” just click on the title and on my page there will be an audio bar, no download.

Peace 🙂

Angry fists and broken plates

7 Comments »

Angry fists and broken plates

She lovingly prepares his dinner and sits at the table to wait

She watches the minutes tick away, viewing her reflection in a plate

She is looking good, she is looking just right

She’s done everything she could possibly do to avoid another fight

The minutes turn to hours as they quietly slip away

She has waited and prepared and tried her best all day

She’s tired now so she moves, from the table to the couch

Her eyelids are getting heavy, she feels herself begin to slouch

Then suddenly she’s woken, by a great almighty slam

It’s the front door and he’s home, here comes her man

She goes to fetch dinner from the oven, quickly in her pace

He slumps a little then calls her a bitch and slaps her across the face

She feels the sting upon her cheek and says “what have I done?”

He says “I saw you at the shops today, I’m not the only one”

“What on earth are you talking about?” Her mascara begins to run

“I saw you talking to that man, I’ve only just begun”

“That was just the new neighbour” she cowers as she cries

He insists he doesn’t believe her, he can see through her lies

He throws her around the room, to show her who’s in the lead

She’s now bleeding several places, and on her knees she pleads

He tells her that she’s worthless, just another dirty whore

She now just takes his words and fists, treats it as a daily chore

For all the trying she may do, preparing for him to come home

There’s nothing in this world to make his rage dissipate undone

So for the night she takes her knocks, watching as the clock lags

The next morning when he leaves for work she quietly packs a bag

She finally realized it doesn’t matter what she does or says

He will always find an excuse he has so many ways

She leaves a note simply saying “goodbye”

She smiles as she closes the door behind her and let’s out a deepened sigh

3 Comments »

The one who was meant to love me

Mother you were meant to keep me safe from harm

When he came at me you were meant to disarm

But you couldn’t be found anywhere

And after the damage you’d avoid my stares

All those nights you heard me cry

I needed you but you didn’t try

Instead you hid and let them harm

Your baby by your lover’s arm

Now that I am grown

You don’t call me your own

They hurt me so much I cracked

You say it all happened behind your back

So all the violence left scars

And you were never very far

So I wont wear a smile for you

You feel sorry for yourself is what you do

What an ungrateful child you had

From the day she was born she must have been bad

She should thank you for all you’ve done

You taught her to drink and how to have fun

Some children would kill for that

I just want my childhood back

Leave a comment »

Screaming from the inside

I want to scream and shout

I want to get it out

The pain seeps to my bones

I’m convinced I’m all alone

And this way I shall stay

Until my dying day

I want to tear my skin away

I want to find the words to say

I want to find my slice of peace

I want to calm this inner beast

I want someone to understand

How it feels when it’s all crammed

Deep down into all your spaces

Darkness fills in all my hidden places

I try to shine a light down there

But more able am I to see the despair

There has to be an end to how I feel

When pain is all you know it’s all that’s real

Someone put my soul to sleep

Find me joy that’s mine to keep

Leave a comment »

My North Star

When you were little, I wrapped you in my arms

Promised to love you and keep you safe from harm

Safety is not something, I knew when I was small

I thought that being abused was how it went for all

The things that happened to me, still didn’t seem quite right

But I didn’t have a choice in it, I had no place to fight

And the things that happened to me, the touching and the harm

Were by the most trusted of all, by my Father’s arm

Two different Father’s two different threats

One like to touch and one liked to hit

I can’t comprehend how a Mother, could stand idly by

And let her child be used this way, her lack of interest high

But I have made my promise, of how not to behave

Just ’cause these things happened to me does not make me a slave

I treat my Mother’s actions, as a guide: what not to do

Because you are my babies, I prioritize all else below you

You give me strength and keep me whole, your little hearts my life

Peace reigns over this home now, no violence here be rife

For my love makes me protective, as a Mother always should be

Protect the life you created, it just makes sense to me

Leave a comment »

Finished for another day

I hear the footsteps down the hall

I hide my face, my stomach falls

I hear a thump and then a thud

But he manages to get back up

The door swings open, I cry out “no”

He grunts “c’mon girl it’s time to go”

He stumbles over and grabs my feet

I hold on tight beneath my sheet

Pulled to the floor from my safe warm bed

He lays a smack upon my head

“You’re gonna learn this time” he says

My heart is pounding, I start to beg

I cry and scream “please no, I’m sorry”

But he carries on without a worry

The first few hurt but then I’m numb

Just shut your mouth, he’ll soon be done

I take my knocks and pull away

He seems finished for another day

Rolled up in a ball, I continue to cry

He wipes his brow and with a smile wry

He tells me that I’m pathetic and sad

All I can say is “I’m sorry Dad”

He slams the door behind him

His footsteps fade away

I stay still and thank the Lord

He’s finished for another day

Leave a comment »