I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Just stop for a moment

Sometimes I feel like i’m standing in the middle of the world’s busiest motorway, cars whizzing and whirling past me, wind blowing me backwards and forwards in a violent sway. Cars honking at each other to hurry up or slow down or move over or move round, DOOF DOOF DOOF from the subwoofers that people install in their vehicles because standard bass just isn’t enough. Constant chatter from everywhere around me, negative thoughts and mantras stuck in my head like glue, my brain a gelatinous magnate that attracts such thoughts like flies to a corpse. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs ‘why can’t we all just get along’ – a thought to which people roll their eyes or turn up their turny uppy noses. We live in a world where if there isn’t a fight people will find one, even if you agree on a point a person can find a way in which you agree differently and thus have a problem with each other. When the fuck did everyone become so hard and unwilling to bend? When did we all become so concerned with our causes and making sure everyone knows our thoughts on our causes and bending others to our own will?

Some might say that life is hard and to suck it up and get on with it, but i choose not to live life that way. Life is hard, but life is also beautiful and amazing at times and if we could focus a little less on shouting our opinions and forcing our points and maybe listen to what’s going on around us, listen to what other people have to say, life would be less like grating a piece of steel wool and more like it’s meant to be. Maybe we could have more positive encounters than negative.

I don’t go out looking for a fight but if one is thrown at me I will defend myself accordingly. But the fact that I have to do this is taxing, social media has given people just the right amount of anonymity to purge their opinions and thoughts and feelings on perfect strangers and act as if it’s their given right. If the devil is real he created facebook, never has such passive aggression and general whining come together in one place in such a way that it makes me want to not have any “friends” at all. I’d rather watch my cat lick itself than spent an afternoon on facebook, it seems far more productive and much healthier for my social well being.

Some people are just intent on being negative, in finding the bad in any given situation. If that’s you, then FINE, be as you are, just don’t shit on my doorstep and call me a hippie because I give a fuck about other people. Roll your eyes and call me your names because it makes you feel better, it makes you feel like you have some semblance of control in what is in fact a big old cluster fuck of randomness and the only control we have is over ourselves, how we act and how we treat other people. What we contribute to society and what we take away is completely up to us, if people treat you miserably it’s probably because you are miserable. Given, I sometimes feel like I’m not treated fairly but then I realize I’m feeling sorry for myself and when I actually think about what is the root of someone’s motivation if anything it’s apathy as opposed to callousness. But we take exception and get offended over so many little things that we just don’t need to stress ourselves over.

The human brain exists in such a way that we used to have to fight for survival. Shelter, food, these things were never guaranteed, so as we evolved we had to be mindful of how to survive. Now, in today’s current society, most of us do have a roof over our head and enough food to get by so that part of the brain goes searching for something, and a lot of the time what it finds is a fight where there isn’t one. The urge to defend ourselves from something that isn’t an attack, the urge to be heard when all we need to do is speak, not scream and flail about like our lives depend on everyone hearing our thoughts.

I try to have positive experiences with people but sometimes it’s like pissing up a flagpost. Nothing good can come of it and you end up covered in your own pee. I do truly wish everyone could just get along but I have my brain stem connected and realize this is never going to happen, but I do genuinely think it could happen on smaller scales if people just chilled out, put themselves in the other person’s shoes and showed some grace and thoughtfulness when interacting with other people.



How often do we impact others negatively?

It’s often chaos while dropping the kids off at school, made worse at the moment by the fact that most of the car spots are taken up by tradesman working across the road. A car exited a spot and I went to drive into it but the massive car in the spot behind decided to move up, even though she had a spot, and took my car park. I beeped, and she waived her hands in the air at me and said something I couldn’t hear, her response was aggressive. She had a massive car and I have a tiny one, so i couldn’t really compete. My point here is, why did she feel it necessary to do that? We all have a thousand choices every day where we can choose to be an arsehole or choose to be kind, every little interaction we have may impact another person, and this negatively impacted me, it put the start of my day off to a shitty start and now i’m in a crap mood. Maybe on another day I would have been able to just shake my head and get over it instantly, but today, it made me angry/sad.

I come across quite a few people who look down their nose at me, they seem to think because i am bubbly and a little muddle headed that i’m not bright enough to notice that they are looking down their nose at me, but i notice everything. I analyze everything, i’m a constant worrier and contemplate human actions and comments a great deal. I rarely use facebook anymore because for a person as sensitive as i am, it’s just not a good idea. It’s all whining or passive aggression and pictures of what people had for dinner, but more so, passive aggression. I unusually made a comment on a friends status this morning, in good humour, and one of the people that tends to look down their nose at me made a further comment, almost to point out how puerile i am, and while i don’t really care what this person thinks of me, it has me thinking – why do i attract so much mean behaviour?

Do others find this? Do others try to be friendly and find it symbolizes them as weak? I think this is my main problem, I try to be friendly and i joke and am over sensitive, all of these things, and when a person who craves superiority of any kind smells this on another person, they exploit it. Fundamentally, I know that this says a lot more about them than it does me, that they have a need to feel better than others because they are inherently insecure or have some kind of superiority complex, but it doesn’t stop it feeling unpleasant.

I used to be like this, because of insecurity i would act coldly and quite nasty towards others at times. But this was in my twenties while i was working through a lot of pain and trying to find who i was as a person, for some it seems to be a permanent state of being.

If we all took a step back and considered how we affect others, how we would feel if something we are doing to someone else was done to us, the world would get along a lot better than it does. If instead of taking someone’s car park we realize it’s a nasty thing to do and stay where we are or look for another, if instead of making snarky comments we keep it to ourselves, a lot of people would be a lot happier than they are now.

We can’t all be perfect all of the time, and sometimes we are going to act like a dick, but maybe we need to take responsibility when we do and rectify it when we can. At the end of the day, people need to get along. There are so many many reasons out there why we shouldn’t get along but we need to refocus on all the reasons why we should.


Socially accepted racism

My two daughters each have a vintage style cabbage patch doll. They like to take them out with us sometimes, last night i saw my pdoc and in the waiting room a woman reached over to me and said “good on you for getting your daughter a brown doll” – i simply smiled instead of getting into it in the doctors waiting room, but afterwards my daughter questioned it. she asked ‘mum, why did that lady say that’ and i told her it’s because she thinks mummy was making a statement about race equality by buying you a doll that is brown. my daughters big blue beautiful eyes looked up at me and said “i never even thought of her as brown, she’s just tasha” – this is because i’m teaching my children not to see colour in the same way that my generation was taught to see colour.

I’m 32, my mother and her husband are somewhat racist, my grandparents were typical australians, they would never discount a person on a one on one basis based on their race, but they did tend to generalize racial groups, which is something rife in australia. When it comes to “boat people” or immigrants, it’s very much us and them. A lot of people think these people are coming to our country and stealing our resources and getting government hand outs, they don’t pause for a moment to think of the situation these people have left behind them and that they deserve to be here, they deserve to live in a place where they are safe and don’t have to worry about militia or where their next meal will come from or any such issues.

The fact of it is, most middle class australians try not to be racist, but it’s hard when the media shows Aboriginals in the light that it does, when the stories that get reported on them are never positive but always relate to alcohol and substance abuse, incest or child molestation. True, in some areas these issues are rife, but it’s not something an entire race has to answer for, just as much as there’s a bunch of gross old white men out there looking at child pornography on their computers every day, as a caucasian person i would never expect to be held accountable for the acts of these men, yet a lot of people view the entire race of Aboriginals as drunk child molesters, it makes my heart sad.

I was in England when the London bombings occurred and suddenly anyone wearing a turban or a hijab was viewed suspiciously. I moved back to Australia not long after the bombings and found the same mentality here, most not even realizing that those wearing a turban are an entirely different religion to those they think they’re hating. I have worked with quite a few Muslims and have found them to be much like anyone else, sure they have different religious holidays but they laughed at jokes like anyone else, cried when they were sad like anyone else, treated me with kindness and if you look at the structure of their religion, it’s actually quite beautiful, much like most religions, their true point isn’t to segregate and alienate but to spread love and generosity amongst people. It’s easy to get caught up in the negative aspects of any race/culture/religion, all of them have negative aspects, but perhaps it’s time we look further into the positive aspects and try to respect each others differences for what they are, not a choice to be unlike one another but simply differences.

A school mum recently congratulated me on “letting” my children have play dates with kids from a vietnamese family, i told this woman i had spent time with the parents just like i would with any family before letting my children go to their house, found them to be very nice people, so why wouldn’t i let them have play dates? she responded ‘oh you know, they do things very differently’ to which i told her ‘different isn’t bad, it’s just different’ she hasn’t spoken to me much since then, but in my opinion that’s for the best, if a narrow minded person dislikes you, then you must be doing something right.



Can paying it forward help depression?

I think it can, yes. I have suffered from depression for 20 years, since i was a child. When I was younger I would accept my fate and just go with it, I wouldn’t fight it, why bother right? I’m depressed, the last thing I felt like doing was challenging myself in any way. I would just sink further and further into my own sad little hole of woe.

I would issue a challenge to those who are depressed and feel stuck in a rut, do something nice for someone else, take the focus off yourself for just a brief amount of time. The fact of it is, at any given moment there are millions of us in pain, there are so so many people wanting to end it cause life just hurts so much, each moment feeling endless in it’s grief. Now i’m not saying to live by comparison, as each person’s pain and each person’s story is just as valid as the next persons whether one seems more severe than the other, it’s all valid. However, by going out of our way to do something nice for someone else we are putting positivity out into the world, whether it be something very small like opening a door for someone or buying a friend a coffee or offering someone lunch if you know they’re low on funds, whatever you can do, do it. It’s so easy to get completely wrapped up in ourselves and our pain when we are low, but by stepping out of it briefly and making someone else’s day a little better, we are breaking the cycle. You wont always receive the positive reaction it deserves but don’t be put off by this, more often than not acts of kindness are a surprise and are well received.

So once a day, try one little thing for someone else, anything you can do without cutting into your own welfare or funds too much. I’m a person who gets a buzz from giving and sharing so I benefit from this more than some perhaps, but I still think it can help. Those who are bipolar like I am will know it’s easy to be generous and share when you’re ‘up’, but I’ve been trying my best to do it when I’m down as well, it really does help break the cycle.

All the best everyone, peace 🙂


People can be so disappointing

I’m bipolar, so perhaps I feel things more than the ‘usual’ person would, but I tell you, i’m reeling.

I woke this morning to find a couple of text messages from my husband on my phone, when he left for work this morning he found that the guinea pig cage had been opened by someone (it’s a stiff lock and opens upwards, so was definitely done on purpose) and one of our guinea pigs were missing. My daughters each have a guinea pig, patrick swayze and chewbacca, and it’s chewbacca that’s gone.

Now, this may seem like such a trivial thing, so what, right? Well, my 9 year old is absolutely devastated. She can’t understand why a person would come into our property overnight and do such a thing, we have swings in our front yard so it was obviously a child’s pet, and it got me feeling really despondent about people in general.

Not to ring my own bell, but i genuinely try to put as much kindness out into the world as i can, and for someone to go out of their way to mess with my child makes my heart ache. Some people are just cruel, but why take it out on a kid? Mess with my car if you want, slash my tires if it makes you feel better about yourself, i can get new tires, i’d be annoyed but i’d get over it, but now she’s literally stuck to my side and between frowning and sobbing, she’s just not right.

If you know someone with a cruel streak, let’s try to start working on them. Let’s kill them with kindness, and try to bring everyone into the fold. lets not just call someone an asshole and move on, let’s find out why they’re an asshole, and if there’s any way we can help them be less of one. I’m tired of us vs them mentality, it’s not good vs evil, we all have good and bad in us, but if we as the whole of humanity start caring more for each other, maybe shitty things like this will happen less.

It’s school holidays, so it’s possible it was a wayward group of teens being idiotic with bravado, but fact is my man wasn’t asleep til about one and the cage is right next to our bedroom window so we most likely would have heard a group.

It has me a bit depressed about trying, about putting positivity out there and getting negativity back, but i’m indignant, i’m going to try EVEN HARDER to be kind and put it out there, cause the other option is getting bitter and putting more negativity out into the world and there’s already way too much.


Friend in time

So many people all alone

Shuffling past each other like the dead

People who feel like they’re not their own

In agony within their own head

Why can’t we help each other heal

Tell each other how we feel

Truly reach out and relate

Our loneliness would alleviate

But some people seem determined

To remain alone and burdened

When misery is all you know

It somehow becomes your own safe home

I want to reach out to the world

To help each other become unfurled

But some feel like it’s all too soon

Some just think I’m a raving loon

For trying to reach out, it’s not what I am about

I’m just a girl who’s sad

Who doesn’t want to feel so bad

Who wants to find a way

For all of us to say

What’s on our minds and share our pain

With help from others we can gain

Freedom with a little time

I’ll be your friend if you’ll be mine


bipolar sensitivity to technology and the great disconnent

Is it just me, or is it the more ways we have of contacting each other the less we actually fucking talk to each other? I have good friends who I usually feel very secure in our friendship, but I end up feeling weird and worrying that there’s an issue because they ignore a text or a tweet or an email or a comment on a status update or whatever the frickin means of communication was. Is it that we are so bombarded with constant messages coming at us from so many places that we have devalued the messages that friends send us?

As a bipolar person, I am more sensitive to what happens around me. I analyze every motive and feeling and what’s behind every little thing. It’s enough to drive a person crazy. And so in this modern age of technology with all of us able to see what each other had for lunch and when they’re at the doctor’s sitting in the waiting room and what they thought of that new tv show, when we have this information all day long every day, we seem to forget to actually talk to each other, communicate and convey care and interest in one another.

It’s maddening, I truly fear for how we will end up as a society. I worry about how friendships will be managed as technology progresses. I end up feeling so despondent and rejected when i’m not replied to, then i wonder if it’s just me being a needy jerk or if there really is a huge problem happening here.

I just think we all need to take a little time to actually connect with the people that matter, have you done it lately? I’ve been trying to recently but some people make it really hard. Another symptom of bipolar is that when you’re low, you don’t really reply to anything or want to interact with anyone, and i have a good handful of friends with mental illnesses, so that in itself becomes frustrating, and with these friends i usually just send them a message somehow, reminding them i’m thinking of them but expect no response, but eventually, you need a response, right? after a couple of weeks, a response isn’t asking too much is it?If you’re someone that’s gotten caught up in the hectic and frantic means in which we all bombard each other with information, take a moment to figure out if people know where they stand with you, do they know you care?


One by one

I hear so many stories, from beautiful to gory

From happiness to sad, from truly good to bad

But usually not great, so much pain and so much hate

I look at the world and my heart it does sink

So many wars and hatred, always on the brink

It becomes too much, I have to disconnect

I feel so God damn helpless, like we cannot correct

The damage that happens every day

To so many people in so many ways

In God’s name so much death, I hold on take a breath

If God is real his message is love

So could he really be watching from above

While in his name, hate and alienation

Cause great divide from nation to nation

How could it be a sin, to simply just be gay?

I’ve seen it with my own two eyes, people are born this way

So if God truly made us, how could he then condemn love

That doesn’t fit the nuclear mold

So many questions are left untold

But if each person tries a little, to compromise

Meet in the middle

Hear each other and not be scared

Of differences we may not share

Then one by one things can be done

Mountains can be moved, one by one

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