mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Guilt

I was abused sexually/emotionally as a young child by my Mother’s first husband. As a teen I was abused physically/emotionally by my Mother’s second husband. For years I would find, whenever referencing any of the abuse, that I would always be sure to mention my part in it. For instance, I would say ‘yes my Stepfather physically abused me, but I was an incredibly difficult teenager’ or ‘he would beat me, but then I was such a nightmare when I was younger’, there was always the default reaction of mentioning how terrible I was. For most of my life I genuinely believed that I was an active contributor to my abuse, that essentially I deserved it. I have spent so many hours of my life reeling in guilt, guilt over shitty things I have done to people, guilt over shitty things people have done to me just bathing in it and letting it swallow me up. When I was younger I would go to bed and lay there in the dark for hours thinking about details of things I have done to people, like running out on ex boyfriends or being a dick to a friend or whatever, any mistakes I have made have been played out in my mind over and over and I have let it cause so much anxiety it’s incredible.

A few years ago I did therapy and actually made some progress, the therapist was talking to me about my children and asked me if there is anything my children could do that would warrant me hurting them physically as a response and I said no of course not, and through this I realized that I was a child when my abuse occurred, and badly behaved or not there is no way, as a child, I could have actually warranted my own abuse. I know it may sound simple to most but for me it was a revelation, I started to let go of so much guilt and anxiety and began seeing things perhaps a little closer to reality.

The fact of it is that all of us do shitty things sometimes, whether you’re bipolar or not, whether you’re depressed or schizophrenic or any number of things, every human being has done shitty things to another human being. It’s just life, we all screw up and make mistakes. What I tell my children about mistakes is that everybody makes them, it’s ok to makes mistakes so long as you learn from them and do your best not to repeat the same mistakes. I tell them this often, so why can’t I take my own advice eh? Why do some of us hold ourselves to this impossible standard of human behaviour where we feel like we’re letting the entire world down if we step out of line? The fact is, the entire world really doesn’t care about our trivial screw ups and we need to cut ourselves some slack.

So, I guess I just need to remind myself that it’s ok to make mistakes, I just need to make sure I learn from my errors wherever possible and try not to repeat poor behaviour. Beyond that I need to relax and focus on healing, when all your energy goes into feeling shitty about yourself you really can’t heal any of the past trauma that’s happened, but now, I can begin.

Peace xo

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bipolar sensitivity to technology and the great disconnent

Is it just me, or is it the more ways we have of contacting each other the less we actually fucking talk to each other? I have good friends who I usually feel very secure in our friendship, but I end up feeling weird and worrying that there’s an issue because they ignore a text or a tweet or an email or a comment on a status update or whatever the frickin means of communication was. Is it that we are so bombarded with constant messages coming at us from so many places that we have devalued the messages that friends send us?

As a bipolar person, I am more sensitive to what happens around me. I analyze every motive and feeling and what’s behind every little thing. It’s enough to drive a person crazy. And so in this modern age of technology with all of us able to see what each other had for lunch and when they’re at the doctor’s sitting in the waiting room and what they thought of that new tv show, when we have this information all day long every day, we seem to forget to actually talk to each other, communicate and convey care and interest in one another.

It’s maddening, I truly fear for how we will end up as a society. I worry about how friendships will be managed as technology progresses. I end up feeling so despondent and rejected when i’m not replied to, then i wonder if it’s just me being a needy jerk or if there really is a huge problem happening here.

I just think we all need to take a little time to actually connect with the people that matter, have you done it lately? I’ve been trying to recently but some people make it really hard. Another symptom of bipolar is that when you’re low, you don’t really reply to anything or want to interact with anyone, and i have a good handful of friends with mental illnesses, so that in itself becomes frustrating, and with these friends i usually just send them a message somehow, reminding them i’m thinking of them but expect no response, but eventually, you need a response, right? after a couple of weeks, a response isn’t asking too much is it?If you’re someone that’s gotten caught up in the hectic and frantic means in which we all bombard each other with information, take a moment to figure out if people know where they stand with you, do they know you care?

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