mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Low Bits

So the last couple of weeks have been really unpleasant. I’m really stressed about moving and it’s effecting my mood quite poorly and so I’ve really struggled recently. I get to a point where I can fight it and blog and comment and share and catch up with friends to force myself to feel better, force myself back into the world from the safety of my bed or sofa,where i stare numbly at the tv or read if I’m able. I do this to keep my mind occupied so I don’t lose my shit. I get negative mantras in my head, when I’m alone they get so loud I sometimes vocalize them but stop myself from saying them out loud in their entirety as it feels like i’d be giving these words too much power.

This is the inside of my head, it’s a strange place to be and I’ve been fighting really negative feelings and thoughts but I know I’ll be successful. Well, honestly….I sometimes doubt if I’ll be successful, but figure saying that I know I’ll be ok eventually makes me sound less crazy lol

I am bipolar….it’s not who I am but by golly it sure has a lot to do with what I do, how I think, how I feel and how I effect others. It’s very close to being who I am isn’t it? But it’s not always the way, as I’ve gotten older my manic episodes have become less destructive and actually really productive. I don’t get delusions of grandeur or too much trouble sleeping these days, I just feel happier and more productive and good. So my “manic” episodes are what I feel to be my real life, and the depressive episodes, which last longer, are basically life on pause, life in sepia. I find myself treading water most of the time just to get by, all my energy being poured into just being ok for my kids that I literally feel exhausted just from such simple things. I hope I don’t sound sorry for myself, it’s hard not to when explaining the inside out of feeling utterly shitty, but it is what it is, many people suffer every day, my suffering is no greater or less than most people’s, but I try not to measure such things, comparing one’s sorrow to another and convincing yourself that you’re feelings are insignificant compared to other people’s problems and woes, well it’s really reductive to mental health but so so common. I am trying my best not to do that, we need to be feel of some worth and part of that is realizing that our feelings DO count and we ARE having a hard time and we deserve good things and not this shit we feel we’re wading through.

I’m going to try and get some writing done while I’m feeling so clear of mind, I hope you are all well xo

 

 

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I’m baaaack!!!

Hello my lovelies. As you may well know it’s been a few months since I have posted. Unfortunately I spent some time in hospital, then after coming out we had issues with our internet and got fed up with our ISP so we changed to a different company who then screwed us around for 8 weeks. Then we found out the place we’ve been renting for five odd years is about to be sold so we decided it wasn’t worth getting the internet back only to pay an exorbitant fee to move it to a different address so i got myself a dongle to access the internet. It’s a bit like going back to dial up but at least I can do basic browsing and keep in touch with all of you dear souls.

So, the last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster for me and the family. My hospitalization was crazy and intense but after I came out I was deeply inspired and started writing my novel. I’m still not done but happily I have interest from my friend’s literary agent already so I’m feeling really positive about that. It’s my first full novel, I’ve started a lot of projects over the time but such is the bipolar mind that many tasks started go unfinished, but this has been a labor of love. While I was ill i spent nearly every possible moment I could reading, that was always my issue with being a ‘writer’ – i wasn’t sure of my identity as such, could never decide on exactly how i wanted to write and what message i wanted to purvey. After reading dozens of books and spending time with some of the most amazing ‘characters’ i’ve ever met in the hospital, i finally had a clear voice and started with my story outline and started to fill it in. I wont go into the details of it at the moment but I’m feeling really positive about the work. I know so many people who want to write just so they can call themselves a writer, and I suppose I can understand that but I find it brings me more joy than anything else in life (aside from my lovely kids of course) – i’ve been writing poetry and songs and short stories since i was a wee one and it always pours out of me and provides such catharsis.

Now, my Mother. We have had our ups and downs over the past few months but I’m most pleased to share that things are going quite well. Writing that letter was the best thing I could have done, and I’m so pleased I didn’t send the first version of it, the one laced with disdain. She is still a passive aggressive nut but her heart is in the right place and she knows she let me down in the past and has been trying her absolute best to make it up to me. She still has a bit of denial as to just how much she neglected me when I was younger and some of the atrocities that happened under her watch, but there has been SOME acknowledgement from her and even that is a miracle and more than i could have dreamed of. We are both flawed individuals and have realized we need to cut each other some slack. I do admit I get pangs of jealousy when I see her interact with my half siblings, but i’m also delighted that she saw the mistakes she made with me and corrected them with my siblings, she has been a much better mother to them than she was to me but she was 13 years older when she had my sister than when she had me and she had a partner there unlike with me, albeit a drunk partner but still, she had a bit of support. So my sister is 20 now, my brothers 18 and 17. It’s been so lovely spending time with them all, we are slowly rebuilding the relationships we lost over the past few years I hadn’t seen them and they are really sweet and quirky people. We’ve even taken to having Sunday roast dinners at Mums, how very domestic and functional of us! Unfortunately my Stepfather is still drinking, and my Mother is still miserable in their marriage, but I don’t think either of them is capable of the change it would take for them to be truly happy together. It breaks my heart watching my mother scrimp and scrape money together because he is spending hundreds a week on alcohol. He has had a long history of being caught drink driving and recently got his license back after losing it for 12 months and copping a rather huge fine. Because he is a consistent repeat offender he now has an interlock device attached to his car, is that how you spell it? I don’t know, I’m only aware of them because of some reality show I occasionally catch on telly. Basically, it’s a breathalyzer built into his car, and he has to blow into it to start his car and if he has any alcohol on his breath it wont operate. It also gets him to do random breath tests while driving, and if he doesn’t breathe into it it causes his horn to start beeping and his lights to start flashing and then once the engine is off it wont start again. It’s demoralizing that it’s taken such an extreme measure to ensure that he doesn’t drink while he drives but it is what it is, he got into an accident when he was about 20, he was drunk and driving in a rural area with his then girlfriend and he crashed. She passed away and I think he’s been trying to drink away the memories of that ever since. It’s such a shame because he’s almost two people, sober he is a very quiet and kind man who works hard and loves kicking the soccer ball around with his grand children or picking tomatoes with them in their garden but when he’s drunk he’s an absolutely vile creature full of hate and vitriol. I will never forget the abuse I suffered at his hands but I have finally forgiven him because it was eating me up inside and holding onto it just wasn’t worth it. I think it will always hurt a little but I had to let go of the hate, and slowly healing has started to occur.

Anyway, that’s the highlights. I have really unreliable internet at the moment but will be checking in with as many of you as I can. I’ve missed interacting with you lovelies. Peace xo

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Fight for your happy

She floats through life in constant pain

She bathes in memories, stays the same

Flashes come and flashes go

She’ll never admit all that she knows

When she was little he had his way

It sometimes happened every day

Touched in a way no child should be

Haunted to this day by the depravity

Then her next “Father” he liked to hit

It chipped away at her bit by bit

She kept calling out for her Mother

But her Mother would never bother

So she accepted that she was worthless

She gave up on life and all it’s tests

She merely accepted her illness

And her absolute lack of wellness

She forgot she had the option to fight

She forgot to try for what was right

It all got lost along the way

She made plans for another day

A day that would never, ever come

Because she felt broken and undone

Until one day she remembered her voice

And on that day she made a choice

To take her stories lay them bare

Not caring of others would mock or stare

She shined a light right deep down

And found that people gathered ’round

To also tell tales and comment and share

She found that others truly care

And from the shackles she finally shook

All the broken pieces they took

And wiped herself clean shiny new

It’s something that was hard to do

And still she struggles to this day

But she has found a different way

Take the darkness and shine a light

And for your own happiness, you must fight

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People can be so disappointing

I’m bipolar, so perhaps I feel things more than the ‘usual’ person would, but I tell you, i’m reeling.

I woke this morning to find a couple of text messages from my husband on my phone, when he left for work this morning he found that the guinea pig cage had been opened by someone (it’s a stiff lock and opens upwards, so was definitely done on purpose) and one of our guinea pigs were missing. My daughters each have a guinea pig, patrick swayze and chewbacca, and it’s chewbacca that’s gone.

Now, this may seem like such a trivial thing, so what, right? Well, my 9 year old is absolutely devastated. She can’t understand why a person would come into our property overnight and do such a thing, we have swings in our front yard so it was obviously a child’s pet, and it got me feeling really despondent about people in general.

Not to ring my own bell, but i genuinely try to put as much kindness out into the world as i can, and for someone to go out of their way to mess with my child makes my heart ache. Some people are just cruel, but why take it out on a kid? Mess with my car if you want, slash my tires if it makes you feel better about yourself, i can get new tires, i’d be annoyed but i’d get over it, but now she’s literally stuck to my side and between frowning and sobbing, she’s just not right.

If you know someone with a cruel streak, let’s try to start working on them. Let’s kill them with kindness, and try to bring everyone into the fold. lets not just call someone an asshole and move on, let’s find out why they’re an asshole, and if there’s any way we can help them be less of one. I’m tired of us vs them mentality, it’s not good vs evil, we all have good and bad in us, but if we as the whole of humanity start caring more for each other, maybe shitty things like this will happen less.

It’s school holidays, so it’s possible it was a wayward group of teens being idiotic with bravado, but fact is my man wasn’t asleep til about one and the cage is right next to our bedroom window so we most likely would have heard a group.

It has me a bit depressed about trying, about putting positivity out there and getting negativity back, but i’m indignant, i’m going to try EVEN HARDER to be kind and put it out there, cause the other option is getting bitter and putting more negativity out into the world and there’s already way too much.

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Been up too long, waiting for the crash

Does it make me pessimistic or realistic? We added a third medication to my mix about 5 weeks ago and unlike any anti D before it, this one picked me up almost instantaneously, I’ve been good and ‘up’ for five weeks now and because i’m bipolar, i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and to turn into the miserable anxious git that i am when i’m down.

I’ve truly been amazed at my mood the last five weeks, i’ve been more patient, i’ve been writing so much, i’ve been more kind and loving, been having regular sex! once a week may not seem like a lot to most but after 12 years and the bipolar, i’ve had more sex in the last five weeks than i think i had collectively last year (my poor husband, he’s so patient).

I’ve started exercising again, been doing a couple of miles around the lake with a girlfriend then an extra couple laps on the weekend, started pilates as well, and this is what i do when i’m up. i’m go go go, i started at half eight this morning and at eleven thirty i’ve just sat down for the first time, i had to get a present for a birthday party my girls are going to this afternoon and in my mind it HAD to be an angry bird cause that’s what they requested so i ran myself ragged going to 5 different stores in many different places trying to find the perfect present, i mean this is for an eight year old, does she care that much? i guess i get a little obsessive about pleasing my kids sometimes, after the upbringing that i had.

does anyone else start to get worried when they’ve been in a good mood for ‘too long’? i don’t want to be a negative nancy but i’m really scared, i’m really scared it’s going to go away any moment now and i want to hold on to the productive, helpful, kind and fun person i am when i’m up, cause effectively i consider my up self to be my true self. when i’m down, i fret over every little detail of every thing that’s ever happened, especially at night, i lay in bed feeling guilty over how i treated someone ten years ago, or i worry about bills and other day to day nonsense, i get scared of everything, it’s like i’m made of glass, and any little negative thing makes me spiral into the deepest of downs. i hate myself when i’m like that, it’s like i start to believe all those times when i was a kid i was told i’m useless and worthless, it seeps out of every pore and i truly feel like a piece of shit.

Well, for now, i’m still good, i’ve only had one down day lately and that’s really something. so i’m just going to keep writing and getting it all out and hoping for the best, maybe this is my true self and the meds are just doing a really good job at maintaining that, who knows! fingers crossed!

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Misunderstood hand extended

I listen to the rain as it patters on the roof

I watch the droplets falling as I feel cold and aloof

There is a chill in the air and I can see my own breath

I contemplate the big things like God, life and death

I wonder how many people, there are just like me

Treading the line so dubiously between sane and insanity

My skin reacts to the temperature with bumps and hairs on end

I wonder if the broken mind is something one can mend

I notice my breathing changes as I worry for what’s to come

I seem to be getting anxious that all my work will be undone

I spent so many years fighting memories of past

And found and unknown freedom in confronting it at last

But here I sit, cold and grim and stuck in my own mind

I refocus on the rain but again my troubles I find

They silently creep back in, the back door to my brain

And again it leaves me wondering, how far am I from sane?

One thing I have in common, with others just like me

Is that we feel detached from things, we are all lonely

I try to reach out and lend and ear, sometimes the gesture is met with fear

Or simply misunderstood intentions, I don’t do things by normal conventions

If I see another in pain, I reach out a hand to heal

But some seem to want to keep it in, just feel the way they feel

What can I do to change myself and help others around?

I know there has to be a way, a solution to be found

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Not just a clown

Your expectations of me, leave much to be desired

But the objective observer would note, at very least I tried

You treat me like I’m stupid and too dumb to notice this

You think you’re high above me but I find that you’re remiss

Just because I smile and laugh and choose to bathe in light

Doesn’t mean that I’m an idiot, doesn’t mean that I’m not bright

I simply find it fun to be free

Full of life and frivolity

I do not speak of literature and prose

Turn my nose up and bleed morose

I do not ignore those who disagree

I do not rob others opinions passively

I may seem like a goof, a clown

But I’d rather be happy fooling around

Than a miserable grumpy human disgrace

If you’re not going to use it then free up the space

You judge me for I posses joy

I’m not restrained and certainly not coy

I’m not composed and pompous

Sometimes I’m rather raucous

But can’t you see, you’re just different to me?

Neither is right or wrong, both of us still belong

It takes all different kind of folk

To enjoy one’s life and go for broke

I laugh and cry and feel it all

So don’t try so hard to make me feel small

I may not fit your perfect mould

But at least I’ll have lived before I am old

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Friend in time

So many people all alone

Shuffling past each other like the dead

People who feel like they’re not their own

In agony within their own head

Why can’t we help each other heal

Tell each other how we feel

Truly reach out and relate

Our loneliness would alleviate

But some people seem determined

To remain alone and burdened

When misery is all you know

It somehow becomes your own safe home

I want to reach out to the world

To help each other become unfurled

But some feel like it’s all too soon

Some just think I’m a raving loon

For trying to reach out, it’s not what I am about

I’m just a girl who’s sad

Who doesn’t want to feel so bad

Who wants to find a way

For all of us to say

What’s on our minds and share our pain

With help from others we can gain

Freedom with a little time

I’ll be your friend if you’ll be mine

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Screaming from the inside

I want to scream and shout

I want to get it out

The pain seeps to my bones

I’m convinced I’m all alone

And this way I shall stay

Until my dying day

I want to tear my skin away

I want to find the words to say

I want to find my slice of peace

I want to calm this inner beast

I want someone to understand

How it feels when it’s all crammed

Deep down into all your spaces

Darkness fills in all my hidden places

I try to shine a light down there

But more able am I to see the despair

There has to be an end to how I feel

When pain is all you know it’s all that’s real

Someone put my soul to sleep

Find me joy that’s mine to keep

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Into the fold – a reading

This is a reading of my poem “Into the fold”
If you’re browser says it’s a download just click on the title and on my page it’s an audio bar.
Peace 🙂

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