mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

How do you deal with conflict?

I analyze mine and others behaviours quite a lot. One of the hardest things for me is drawling a line between what is a ‘normal’ reaction to conflict or negativity, and what is a bipolar reaction. Sometimes I feel like an alien, watching the human population and trying to assimilate their actions and feelings and trying to look like just another person going about their business and not the bucket of crazy that I am.

There are a few bloggers I have had sporadic contact with via comments, some via email, and I usually find people to be interesting and supportive and lovely. Recently, a person who comments a lot on my posts and has always been very friendly seemed to take exception to something I’d written. It was a post about how I find that as you get older and have kids and settle down that your ‘dreams’ from when you were younger seem to fall by the wayside. I don’t believe I was whining at all I was simply musing about how I used to have all of these goals and now I simply tread water. She left a comment cutting me down, basically saying that I should be happy with being a mother and a wife and why isn’t it enough, some people don’t even have that and effectively I got the idea that she wanted me to be thankful for what I have and stop my bitching. It was unexpected, I’ve always found blogging to be a fairly safe place to share my feelings and thoughts but suddenly, this person who had always been quite lovely to me seemed to be attacking me for expressing myself. After her initial comments she then made another bitchy comment and when I confronted her about it she simply didn’t respond. I suggested that her issue she had was more about her than me and if it wasn’t she could unfollow me easily. No response.

Now, this kind of thing pisses me off and has me wondering. Did i just happen to fall into her bad day or are people reading what I write and assuming that I’m having a big complain about my existence? If I’ve given that impression I’m slightly mortified. Blogging has helped me figure out so many things about myself because I don’t hide here, it’s the one place on this earth where I can be completely me, crazy, silly, odd, opinionated etc – I can talk about being abused when I was growing up and how I love being a Mother but would like to achieve other things in life as well. I have found a lot of people through blogging who have had similar experiences to myself and have never felt so understood, and when you have a mental illness, feeling understood is half the battle won.

I’m not claiming to be perfect by any measure, I have a temper and sometimes I’m completely unreasonable. But I would never go on someone’s blog and attack them for expressing their thoughts and feelings. Even if I was having a terrible depressive episode and was feeling horribly sorry for myself, I would never shit on someone elses picnic. Now is this me denying her the right to be annoyed at what I wrote or am I right in thinking she was bang out of order having a go at me? See now, this is where things get confusing for me. I ponder and ponder, trying to figure out what’s reasonable and what’s not.

I’m not under the delusion that everyone can get along and world peace is just around the corner, but I believe that we should treat other humans with a basic level of respect and kindness and we should NEVER take out our own shit on other people especially if they are simply trying to figure their life out and have a happy existence.

My temper is worse when I’m manic, I’m probably at my absolute worst while driving. I’m a terrible person in the car when I’m manic, I get quite aggressive and people cutting me off or pulling out in front of me then going slow make me want to tear my hair out. I’ve heard from quite a few people with bipolar that they also turn into crazy beasties while driving, so it’s nice to know it’s not just me but it’s terrible. But when it comes to my person to person interactions I tend to try to avoid conflict. I believe that things should be addressed, and if you have a problem with someone or something they’ve done you should talk to them directly about it, get t out and clear it up. I hate passive aggression so much that I stopped using facebook, as I believe it’s a breeding ground for passive aggression, haha. Seriously, I couldn’t cope with all the bullshit associated with facebook so I packed it in. People having snipes at each other through status updates but never mentioning names, people being horrible to each other, it was just really unpleasant and I couldn’t be bothered with it anymore.

My way of doing things quite often gets me labelled cray cray. If someone is being passive aggressive towards me I will simply ask them straight out if there is an issue, and 9 times out of 10 the person will deny there being any issue, even though they’ve been making snide back handed comments that CLEARLY relate to me or a situation I’m involved in, I’ve learned that in your 30’s and for those in their 40’s, most people will smile to your face and then expose their true feelings about you when your back is turned, But talk openly about an issue and you’re considered inflammatory or weird. And it’s not like I’m looking for a fight, it’s quite the opposite. I believe if you address things and find out if there’s an issue by simply discussing it, then it negates the need for brooding. So many of us get upset with people and let it fester, we get more and more angry over an issue instead of just talking to the person about it.

Anyway, I’m curious to know how others deal with conflict and what your thoughts are on being open about things or just letting things go. Quite often, just letting things go is impossible for a person with a mental illness, so what else should we do? Hmm.

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Lost and Unsure

I have this pain inside my soul

And my heart it has a gaping hole

I try and try to fill it up

But nothing seems to be quite enough

I fall so far I can’t see day

I fall so deep I lose my way

I wish that I could figure out

What this life is truly about

I try to be kind and share my love

I’ve tried to be aloof and watch from above

 

I have tried all different ways

To make it through my twisted days

But it feels like I’m lost in an endless haze

 

I hold onto pain from my past

I worry for all of my days it will last

All I want is love and family

But it would seem it’s not destined for me

I need to know what I’m about

I need to let the grief flow out

But I lock it down deep in my heart

I want to heal but don’t know where to start

One day I hope I’ll find the peace

And soothe the inner savage beast

That haunts me from the inside out

It tears me up it, I hear it shout

I cry out for some piece of mind

I hope and pray one day I’ll find

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You let me down

You convinced me that it was all my fault that you were never there

You had me believing it was my doing, the reason you didn’t care

You let your men abuse me, however they chose to do

And the blame you’d place on anyone else, anywhere but on you

They tell you to move on, forget and learn to forgive

But you fucked up my childhood and sometimes it’s barely a life I live

I spent months cooped up in my house, all sad and alone

All because when I was small you brought violence into our home

You focus on all the bad things, that I have ever done

You convince yourself I was just a rotten kid, your fault in this is none

You think yourself above me and in you’re so deep in denial

Now as a Mother myself, I honestly find you vile

Yes I’m angry, yes i’m hurt, you were meant to look after me

But you were more concerned with men and your own inane vanity

I had to stop seeing you ’cause you only bring me down

In your eyes you reached out to me, it’s my fault you’re not around

But if you had just once said I’m sorry, just once said I’m wrong

I might have been able to forgive you, we could have found a place to belong

But you insist you had no part in tearing my psyche wide apart

If that’s what you need to do to sleep at night

Then go along with your bullshit dear, pretend you’re always right

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Angry fists and broken plates

She lovingly prepares his dinner and sits at the table to wait

She watches the minutes tick away, viewing her reflection in a plate

She is looking good, she is looking just right

She’s done everything she could possibly do to avoid another fight

The minutes turn to hours as they quietly slip away

She has waited and prepared and tried her best all day

She’s tired now so she moves, from the table to the couch

Her eyelids are getting heavy, she feels herself begin to slouch

Then suddenly she’s woken, by a great almighty slam

It’s the front door and he’s home, here comes her man

She goes to fetch dinner from the oven, quickly in her pace

He slumps a little then calls her a bitch and slaps her across the face

She feels the sting upon her cheek and says “what have I done?”

He says “I saw you at the shops today, I’m not the only one”

“What on earth are you talking about?” Her mascara begins to run

“I saw you talking to that man, I’ve only just begun”

“That was just the new neighbour” she cowers as she cries

He insists he doesn’t believe her, he can see through her lies

He throws her around the room, to show her who’s in the lead

She’s now bleeding several places, and on her knees she pleads

He tells her that she’s worthless, just another dirty whore

She now just takes his words and fists, treats it as a daily chore

For all the trying she may do, preparing for him to come home

There’s nothing in this world to make his rage dissipate undone

So for the night she takes her knocks, watching as the clock lags

The next morning when he leaves for work she quietly packs a bag

She finally realized it doesn’t matter what she does or says

He will always find an excuse he has so many ways

She leaves a note simply saying “goodbye”

She smiles as she closes the door behind her and let’s out a deepened sigh

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Screaming from the inside

I want to scream and shout

I want to get it out

The pain seeps to my bones

I’m convinced I’m all alone

And this way I shall stay

Until my dying day

I want to tear my skin away

I want to find the words to say

I want to find my slice of peace

I want to calm this inner beast

I want someone to understand

How it feels when it’s all crammed

Deep down into all your spaces

Darkness fills in all my hidden places

I try to shine a light down there

But more able am I to see the despair

There has to be an end to how I feel

When pain is all you know it’s all that’s real

Someone put my soul to sleep

Find me joy that’s mine to keep

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Small Man – a reading

This is a reading of my poem “small man”

If it says in your browser click to download, just click on the title of the poem and it will give you a bar to play it on with no download required.

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Small Man

Small man by your window, watching the world pass you by

You once held hopes and dreams, but now you don’t even try

You sit upon your perch, looking down your nose

You think you’ve found a point to make, your temperament morose

You fight my words you have your say and tell me what is what

You try to rob me of my opinion but lay down I will not

I stand up firm but with respect, I tell you that you’re misinformed

You hit back with your aimless point, how does a man get so forlorned

Because you sit and judge, those who do not shine

But an opinion should be respected, whether yours or whether mine

Sad small man with your hopes and dreams, crumbling apart

I hope that one day you restore a beat to that crumpled blackened heart

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Finished for another day

I hear the footsteps down the hall

I hide my face, my stomach falls

I hear a thump and then a thud

But he manages to get back up

The door swings open, I cry out “no”

He grunts “c’mon girl it’s time to go”

He stumbles over and grabs my feet

I hold on tight beneath my sheet

Pulled to the floor from my safe warm bed

He lays a smack upon my head

“You’re gonna learn this time” he says

My heart is pounding, I start to beg

I cry and scream “please no, I’m sorry”

But he carries on without a worry

The first few hurt but then I’m numb

Just shut your mouth, he’ll soon be done

I take my knocks and pull away

He seems finished for another day

Rolled up in a ball, I continue to cry

He wipes his brow and with a smile wry

He tells me that I’m pathetic and sad

All I can say is “I’m sorry Dad”

He slams the door behind him

His footsteps fade away

I stay still and thank the Lord

He’s finished for another day

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Bruised and Broken

You felt me grow inside you and when they pulled me from your womb

There was a clap of thunder and all the light left the room

You said that it was destined, that it was meant to be

Who knew the thorn wedged in your side would turn out to be me

With short blonde hair and big brown eyes you showed me as your prize

But your pretty doll was broken when seen through others eyes

Never paused for too long you had a need to run

Towards any distraction, towards the newest kind of fun

One day you picked your toy up from the shelf on which it sat

But found it bruised and broken so you chose to put it back

On that shelf I sat, and waited all those years

And slowly watched unravel all my nightmares, all my fears

For you had found a brand new toy to show off as your prize

Shiny new and beautiful through anybody’s eyes

Moving on and loving the new life that you’d begun

I wish I could have been enough to always be your one

Black and bruised upon the shelf, forgotten in some time

That I was ever yours, and you were ever mine

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Big Tall Man

big tall man with your long drawn frown, your words trying to pull me down

you make yourself small by comparing to all, the talents you wish that you had

you set your sights upon those who primp and who pose, their perfection you desperately seek

with a smile on your face you’re sure you’ve put me in my place, the idiot girl is so weak

i’ve no merit to you, i’m but mud ‘neath you’re shoe, who holds regard for such a freak

but i found my voice and with it my choice to stand up and dare say you’re wrong

you may feel above me but others who know me remind me i truly belong

with my back turned you know that i’ve spurned the knife you tried to in place

the true difference between, me and you is i’m able to stand face to face

so go on tall man with your long drawn frown, you’ll find no peace with me

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