I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Why are ignorant people usually the loudest?

Why are there always people running around telling other people how they should be living their lives? It’s so easy to be negative, to find the bad in everything, finding the positive is often harder so I guess this is why they avoid it.

I just came across a person harping on about prohibition and how marijuana is the worst thing ever blah blah blah, they tried to partake in some big argument with me but I’m not fussed to be honest. The kind of person who believes in 2014 that prohibition is a good idea is the kind of person you don’t want to waste your time on, how can you oppose sheer ignorance? Why bother trying to change a mind that is void of coherent thought and forward thinking.

I’m not saying throw caution to the wind and let’s all do heroin. Have sex with random strangers at train stations and drive while drunk, but for goodness sakes, live your life and let others live theirs. I’m sick of hearing that it’s wrong to be gay, to be stoned, to be anything other than a valuable sober member of society. Sure, pot can be used by people excessively and I believe when it’s used to negate dealing with issues it’s not the best, but I also believe it can be used sporadically and or socially and has all but no ill effects. But there are people out there saying that it will destroy your life, uhmm – it can’t and doesn’t. You can have a mental health issue that can ‘destroy’ your life and that may go hand in hand with the use of drugs but the drugs are just a symptom of what’s going on, not usually the root cause. Yes, there are drugs out there that can stop a person living life as a normal functional being, but pot is not one of them unless the person has other things going on. And denying that it has ANY medicinal value is blatantly ignorant.

Basically, I think people should be kind, free to express themselves and figure out what works for them. I don’t like it when people run around trying to assert their views onto everyone else and limit others right to experiment and explore. If we spent a little more time listening to each other and less time preaching and trying to control others then life would be a little nicer for us all.


From rock bottom to…..something else

It’s hard to believe it was just a few weeks ago I was in hospital on suicide watch, every moment hurt to just be, it was pretty dire. For 25 years I had known terrible things had happened with my first stepfather, but i kept it buried deep and by drudging it all up at once i overwhelmed myself and ended up drowning in trauma.

In hindsight I feel a little silly for thinking i could take it on without consequences, there’s a reason it was buried, my sub conscious was looking out for me in it’s own backwards way, so when i dug it up and thought about the details and talked about it often and openly, it all became too much and i hit rock bottom. That place most of us know, those of us with a mental illness. It creeps in the shadows like a monster in the closet, it’s a place we don’t want to go away but it’s always in the back of our minds that we will be there again. Rock bottom is not a fun place, it’s despair and turmoil and pain, so much pain, and it hurts so much that it feels impossible to go on.

But, you go on. If you’re truly worried about harming yourself and/or ending things, you check yourself in somewhere and tell people, let people know that you’re close to the edge, they’ll hold you back from falling temporarily while you need them to. I’m going on holiday soon and it’s been a while since we’ve been on a holiday, i’ll be sitting by the beach soaking up the sun and the fact that not long ago i could barely hold onto my life will be but a distant memory. But it does leave it’s scars, every time we visit that place i think it takes a little bit of us away, and we have to fight to get it back. I spent a couple of weeks treading water after my episode, and i’ve been a lot quieter on my blog than usual, which i know is the opposite of what i should be, because the more i write and share the better i get. so this is just that, an update if you will.

I’ve had so much encouragement and support from some of you, it’s meant a lot to me. I adore all you wonderful broken beautiful people, broken just like me. But there’s nothing wrong with being broken, this is something i’ve come to learn, so long as you are trying to be the best version of yourself, then the rest are just details.

So for anyone near rock bottom, i hope you hold on. I’m not far past it and life is good. I’m not at full capacity but i’m happy enough. I can’t say I’m happy, because that’s a work in progress, ultimate goal if you will, but i’m happy enough and that’s a good place to be. everything can change so quickly, we can be so miserable and pained one week and a few weeks later the world looks a lot different. there’s always the exhausted treading water phase after such an episode but that’s necessary, it takes a physical emotional and mental toll on a person being that low.

Peace 🙂