mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Friend in time

So many people all alone

Shuffling past each other like the dead

People who feel like they’re not their own

In agony within their own head

Why can’t we help each other heal

Tell each other how we feel

Truly reach out and relate

Our loneliness would alleviate

But some people seem determined

To remain alone and burdened

When misery is all you know

It somehow becomes your own safe home

I want to reach out to the world

To help each other become unfurled

But some feel like it’s all too soon

Some just think I’m a raving loon

For trying to reach out, it’s not what I am about

I’m just a girl who’s sad

Who doesn’t want to feel so bad

Who wants to find a way

For all of us to say

What’s on our minds and share our pain

With help from others we can gain

Freedom with a little time

I’ll be your friend if you’ll be mine

5 Comments »

Screaming from the inside

I want to scream and shout

I want to get it out

The pain seeps to my bones

I’m convinced I’m all alone

And this way I shall stay

Until my dying day

I want to tear my skin away

I want to find the words to say

I want to find my slice of peace

I want to calm this inner beast

I want someone to understand

How it feels when it’s all crammed

Deep down into all your spaces

Darkness fills in all my hidden places

I try to shine a light down there

But more able am I to see the despair

There has to be an end to how I feel

When pain is all you know it’s all that’s real

Someone put my soul to sleep

Find me joy that’s mine to keep

Leave a comment »

Feelin’ low

Not sure exactly what it is, but I’m feeling down today. Sometimes you just wake up and something’s not right. I feel lonely, like when my friends have problems I’m the one that’s there but when I need something or I’m the one that’s down, there’s no one to be found.

My writing has been sub par the last few days, I just can’t get it quite right.

Aside from my husband, I have very little support. I’m feeling alone and empty. I don’t expect a pity party, or anyone to even really read this nonsense, I just figured writing about it might help me get perspective, so far not so good but we’ll see. I’m meant to do a poetry reading Friday night but my friend keeps flaking on me, she has her own stuff going on as she’s also bipolar but I just wanted it to be about me, just this one time.

Hope everyone else is having a much better day, peace

2 Comments »

My flawed self

It appears that my worst nightmare

Is showing up, and no one cares

My brain beats like a heart

Thoughts are hard to part

They bleed into one great big mess

Oh clarity, I try my best

But when you have this illness

Self worth depends on acceptance

I pour my heart out on the page

I shouldn’t care at this ripe age

But still I beg for love and care

When you want it so much, it’s not anywhere

I wish I could be indifferent, I admire it in others

The acceptance that I’m searching for is actually that of my Mother

So on I go, word by word

Hoping to be just a little bit heard

Just to have a little care

From someone out there somewhere

2 Comments »

You were gone

I wish that you could see, that the blame is not on me

I wish that you could see, all the harm you caused to me

You were the one that was meant to be there

But when I called, you weren’t anywhere

You were the one to love me, when all others were gone

But you left me alone and broken

What could I have done so wrong?

You wanted me to be like you, but I was something else

So you moved on to another, and left me on a shelf

Too difficult to deal with, who cares for such a thing

I was just a child, I didn’t think to bring

Armor to my own home, protection from your care

‘Cause you were meant to keep me safe, but you weren’t anywhere

All those times he hurt me, I cried out for your help

But you didn’t come running and I couldn’t help myself

He was strong and angry, I was small and frail

The fact that you don’t love me stings as my greatest fail

And now I can’t forgive you but I can do better than you did

The life that grew inside me is the reason that I live

Your mistakes will not be my own

Your ways will not carry on within my home

2 Comments »

Bruised and Broken

You felt me grow inside you and when they pulled me from your womb

There was a clap of thunder and all the light left the room

You said that it was destined, that it was meant to be

Who knew the thorn wedged in your side would turn out to be me

With short blonde hair and big brown eyes you showed me as your prize

But your pretty doll was broken when seen through others eyes

Never paused for too long you had a need to run

Towards any distraction, towards the newest kind of fun

One day you picked your toy up from the shelf on which it sat

But found it bruised and broken so you chose to put it back

On that shelf I sat, and waited all those years

And slowly watched unravel all my nightmares, all my fears

For you had found a brand new toy to show off as your prize

Shiny new and beautiful through anybody’s eyes

Moving on and loving the new life that you’d begun

I wish I could have been enough to always be your one

Black and bruised upon the shelf, forgotten in some time

That I was ever yours, and you were ever mine

2 Comments »

where does my crazy end?

for those who have read any of my blogs, you’ll know i have some issues, primarily, abandonment/mother issues and my struggle with bipolar. hubby and i are in the midst of a fight and i find it really hard to figure out how much of my behaviour is dictated by my illness and issues and how much is within the ‘normal’ realm of human behaviour.

i usually look to others i know and their relationships for guidance, but it’s a tricky trap living by comparison because at the end of the day, no two people are alike and the only two people in our relationship are him and myself. i tend to discuss my relationship with two friends, one of whom has been with her partner for 18 years and is extremely zen about most things, the other has been in a relationship for a few years and tells me i have to stand up for what i want and not settle if i’m not happy, so i’m torn.

mr. says while he’s at work, work is all he can care about. this makes me feel shitty, i don’t expect him to drop everything for me at any given moment, but i expect to be important no matter where he is, i expect to be a priority. i used to have grand notions of love and romance, the kind of crap the notebook tricks you into thinking is love, but i got over that a long time ago. i don’t expect flowers or chocolates, a romantic gesture to me is him going to the butcher to get something i need to cook dinner, but does that constitute a relationship? he thinks that sitting on the couch with me at night and fetching things from the store is putting effort into our relationship, where as i consider that just part of household maintenance. i don’t consider cooking him dinner putting effort into my relationship, it’s just something i do because that’s my job in the house. for me, putting in effort is being kind to him, telling him i appreciate him or something he’s done, and honestly with the meds i’m on and the illness i have, sex is not something i crave, so i consider that a big effort on my part when i sleep with him. so maybe i’m wrong, a lot of people say that sex is a normal part of a relationship and it’s just expected that it should happen, but for me, i only want to have sex with him when he’s kind to me and puts in effort and tries.

i wish we had a relationship referee, someone to blow a whistle and tell me who is right and who is wrong, what points i need to bend on and what points he needs to bend on, because i find it hard to figure out on my own. i second guess myself and think that my expectations are unrealistic and based in my illness, then the next moment i think no, i have a right to be treasured and treated with love and adoration (not ALL of the time, just say, 65% of it).

i know i can go from zero to fifty thousand on the unhappy scale, we’ve had a really good few weeks and i’ve been trying really hard to make him happy and be happy myself, but then it all seems to tumble down so quickly and put us back at square one. is this something other’s with my illness/issues find? has anyone else figured out a way to monitor what’s realistic and unrealistic expectations?

i just know that every time we start to be good together, the smallest little thing knocks us back down again and it’s not something i can continue to do forever. i want someone who has my back, whether they’re at work or home or anywhere in between.

Leave a comment »

dear mum, i think you ruined my life…

i know my situation isn’t unique, i’m currently studying in the human services area and i’m finding a lot of people also interested in social work have come from broken homes, backgrounds of abuse and neglect, and now as a result have some sort of mental illness. but how much of it is from our formative years? i also know people with mental health issues who have supportive, present parents who genuinely care, not perfect parents (they dont exist outside of movies and tv) but good parents who give a shit.

when i was 13 and my mother started breeding with my abusive alcoholic stepfather (3 kids with him within 4 years) she started pulling away from me. mark (stepfather) and i clashed more and more and i saw her choosing him over me. carrying on a tradition from her first marriage, my mother liked to holiday at the beach foreshore for a good 5 weeks over the summer holidays, she started leaving me home alone when she did this. can you imagine the crap that went on with a 14 year old alone in a house with a penchant for self destruction? i had many parties, i was quite a novelty and my house became a drop in for whoever was around. i didn’t realise it at the time but i felt abandoned, and still do in some ways. and then i feel like an idiot, so my mother left me alone in the house when i was young, a lot of teenagers would love that kind of freedom, but ultimately i craved structure and some form of discipline, i think that’s why i kept choosing to go back and live with my grandparents, when i was with them things seemed to move slower, more stability.

so i was a hideous teenager, i got in all kinds of legal trouble and drank and did whatever drug my friends were into at the time. this culminated with my mother’s ‘new’ family and for years i blamed myself. i figured that if i had of been a better kid that i would have been included, if i had of been better in general people would have liked me more and i wouldn’t have been so lonely. and then a couple of years ago i did therapy for a while and in fine cliche form, i came out blaming my mother instead of myself. sure, if i had of been a better teenager things would have been a lot easier for me, but i was a “bad” teenager because of the years leading up to that point. my brain literally didn’t form as it should have because i didn’t have the stability and ‘safe’ feeling that children need to form all those clever brain connections that help people cope and become better adjusted.

i haven’t seen my mother, or the rest of the family, in about three and a half years now. when i got back from england i stayed with her and my stepfather and he was back to his own tricks within a month of me returning. i had a medical procedure done two days before i flew back to australia, it was one of the hardest times in my life and my stepfather decided i wasn’t doing enough house work (i was working full time and still struggling with my health) and told me he was going to beat me so hard i couldn’t call the police on him this time as i wouldn’t be able. he swung at me but was so drunk he fell down, so i collected my daughter and fled to my cousins place for the night. that was really awkward, my cousin acted as if i had overreacted and made me feel really unwelcome, so i suddenly felt like a 14 year old all over again, completely lost and no idea where to go. (to clarify, my hubby and younger daughter came over to australia about 4 1/2 weeks after myself and our older daughter as he had to finish up work). my mother turned up at my cousins the next day and assured me that mark was sorry, that this time he really was going to get some help and that i would be safe to go back to the house. honestly, i had little other option, so we went back and it was better for a week or two, and thankfully when my hubby turned up mark dare not try anything with me.not long after hubby and kiddo got here, we found our own place and moved out. we would mainly see my mother at family gatherings at my aunt’s place and she would occasionally cook a sunday dinner, but she was really hard to be around. mark had an affair about 6 years ago and they have been miserably married ever since, she told me she wanted to end it but every time i would try and make appointments with lawyers or look into info for her she would shy away and change her mind. i was also spending time with my cousin, and the whole lot of them (bar my aunt, she’s pretty awesome) are amazingly negative horrible people. every one would bitch behind every one else’s back, but be all smiles to one another at family gatherings. no one would ever dare say what they were really thinking to anyone directly, it was all passive aggressive and bitchy and literally started to drive me mad. so after my mother cancelled turning up to my daughter’s birthday (she’d done this three times in a row at this point) and broke her little heart, and my cousin’s husband went on another one of his rants at me, i decided to cut the lot of them off. they made me feel like shit, being around them, listening to them moan about their difficult EVERYTHING, it was just weighing on me so much it was making me a shitty person to be around too, so i decided for the sake of my kiddos they needed the best version of me, and the best version of me was not conducive to being anywhere near my family.

my therapist told me that healing would start once i let go of the anger towards my family, in particular my mother. now, i only just discovered this anger a couple of years ago and honestly, i don’t know how to let go of it. i know i don’t really mention much anger towards my stepfather mark, well, there is some there but in fairness, he’s an alcoholic. more days than not, this man was in a state where he barely knew his own name, and if a rabid dog attacks a toddler do you blame the dog or the owner? well, i blame my mother, she’s the one that had the onus of protection and safety for me, so as much as he’s the one that did most of the hitting and hurting, she’s the one i hold responsible for letting it span 15 years.

i’m not stewing in my anger, i dont wake up with an instant hatred of my family, but when i think about it, hell yes i’m mad at her. and i dont know how to feel a different way about her. part of me thinks i’m holding onto my anger because it’s the last connection i have to my family and i miss having my family, i miss the gatherings and the catch ups and having people there. we spend christmases with my good friend’s family and that’s great for my girls and for me as well, but i’m not part of their family, as good of a job as they do at including me in their get togethers and birthday celebrations and christmas etc, i still miss having my own family and if i let go of the anger, then i guess i feel there will be nothing left. they will just be people that i used to know.

who knows, maybe i’m just angry because i feel slighted and cheated out of a family, i don’t really know, but maybe i should try to let go. is letting go of pain that’s ingrained so deeply possible? just knowing that it wasn’t my fault was so freeing, will forgiving her be the thing that separates me from my pain? so many questions, no way of knowing for sure because i don’t know if i can.

14 Comments »