mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Small Man – a reading

This is a reading of my poem “small man”

If it says in your browser click to download, just click on the title of the poem and it will give you a bar to play it on with no download required.

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My tower built on bones

I feel the sun kiss my cold bumpy skin

I pause for a moment to take it all in

All the sights and sounds around

There’s so much beauty to be found

There’s also pain and misery

If it’s what you seek then it’s all you’ll see

For years I held onto my sadness

The truly heinous, and much worse

Sharing secrets makes me weak

Is what I told myself to sleep

But sleep I was barely able to find

There’s little peace for the broken mind

But now I’m older I have found

Secrets do little, but keep one bound

Bound to a past of pain and guilt

On a foundation of bones I built

My tower of denial and pain

For years I held on, barely sane

Now I’ve knocked that tower down

In my own secrets I shall not drown

I had to cut away the guilt, my tower on truth is now rebuilt

And I can be free, from all that has crippled and caged me

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Lesson Learned

Your body pale and bathed in light

I know it’s wrong but feels so right

We took pills and drank till dawn

And we believed true love was born

We heard the old man’s stories

Of past accomplishments and glory

You said you could tell from the start

I’d be the one to steal your heart

The barman took me behind the bar

And taught me to pour a pint of your tar

You later said you were so impressed

You could not wait to get me undressed

We closed the door behind us, passion burning bright

We tousled to the floor, you made every move just right

But when time came for life to start

Our own ways did we have to part

And soon I came to learn through one

You weren’t a man I could count upon

So moments were our only time

I was yours and you were mine

I learned my lesson well from you

On love and what one should not do

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Into the fold

When you fall so far down, each moment’s filled with pain

You swear the sadness will never end, you’ll never be the same

Just remember others out there, are feeling the same way

Try to take a deep breath and on your pillow lay

And hold onto the good things, few as they may seem

I know each moment hurts so much, it’s somewhere that I’ve been

Don’t try so hard to make it right

Just breath and hold onto your light

For as dark as it now shows

All the demons in the shadows

There is light for all of us

Love and beauty, health and trust

If you ever come close to the end, there’s always someone to be a friend

Just look around, there’s many others

Who’ve problems with their fathers mothers

Who’ve suffered abuse or harm untold

Let’s bring each other into the fold

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Moments in time – a reading

This is a reading of my poem “Moments in time” – intended for adult ears.
For some reason it says “download file” in my browser, but if you click on the title “Moments in time a reading” It comes up as an audio bar you can play with no download.

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One by one

I hear so many stories, from beautiful to gory

From happiness to sad, from truly good to bad

But usually not great, so much pain and so much hate

I look at the world and my heart it does sink

So many wars and hatred, always on the brink

It becomes too much, I have to disconnect

I feel so God damn helpless, like we cannot correct

The damage that happens every day

To so many people in so many ways

In God’s name so much death, I hold on take a breath

If God is real his message is love

So could he really be watching from above

While in his name, hate and alienation

Cause great divide from nation to nation

How could it be a sin, to simply just be gay?

I’ve seen it with my own two eyes, people are born this way

So if God truly made us, how could he then condemn love

That doesn’t fit the nuclear mold

So many questions are left untold

But if each person tries a little, to compromise

Meet in the middle

Hear each other and not be scared

Of differences we may not share

Then one by one things can be done

Mountains can be moved, one by one

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Monster in my bed – a reading

This is a reading of my poem “Monster in my bed” it is intended for the ears of adults and is NSFW. I did this to push myself, it wasn’t easy but I hope it’s understood. Peace.
(will only work in safari, chrome and firefox i believe)

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Time to try

I spent years in chains

Tied up by my pain

My soul ached to be free

No other way I knew to be

I felt sorry for myself

Didn’t think I needed help

Defensive and obtuse

I felt I had no place, no use

I dulled the ache with drugs

I prayed to God above

Desperate ’cause I dont believe

In a God who has any interest in me

I tried every trick in the book

Vacant, in life I barely partook

I hid myself away from all

If I don’t climb then I can’t fall

But now I see there’s joy for me

I just need to try whole heartedly

Face my problems, tackle my pain

Freedom is there and mine to gain

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Pain my way

All these words have left me spent

All these notions left unsaid

I stew away in my own anguish

Replaying things over in my head

They tell me not to over-think

But hiding from things brought me to the brink

Hiding secrets and eating pain

Is no way for peace and joy to gain

I took a light and shone it deep

No longer will these secrets keep-

Me hostage in my own damn mind

For peace is in reach, it’s mine to find

My words aren’t pretty but they are true

Open minds can see what I do

The more I write the louder I shout

The more the sadness creeps on out

And in it’s place I find the reach

For happiness, love and peace

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My flawed self

It appears that my worst nightmare

Is showing up, and no one cares

My brain beats like a heart

Thoughts are hard to part

They bleed into one great big mess

Oh clarity, I try my best

But when you have this illness

Self worth depends on acceptance

I pour my heart out on the page

I shouldn’t care at this ripe age

But still I beg for love and care

When you want it so much, it’s not anywhere

I wish I could be indifferent, I admire it in others

The acceptance that I’m searching for is actually that of my Mother

So on I go, word by word

Hoping to be just a little bit heard

Just to have a little care

From someone out there somewhere

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