I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul


on August 25, 2014

You can spend so much time going up and down with your emotions that numb feels like a holiday, numb is ok. But like anything, too much can cause an issue. I can’t remember the last moment of happiness i felt, i get small moments of warmth but genuine happiness has been elusive for a while now.

So i’m numb, i think i shut down because it becomes too much to deal with, so i end up this husk of a person. The android. Ha, perhaps I’ve been watching too much dr who lately, it’s been days since I left the house at all, thank goodness for dr who! The closest thing I’ve had to a real emotion in about a week was last night when they introduced a new doctor, peter capaldi: i ended up crying over matt smith, haha, only you geeks out there will have any idea what i’m on about right now.

I don’t really have anything to say, but then i find that’s one of the best times to try and write because you eventually find something to say. If you keep wading through your own mind you will figure out what you want to say or whatever answer you’re looking for. If the answer is in you that is, which i find it usually is.

I have barely been seeing friends lately, it’s all part of my usual withdrawal from life. I’m so used to my mood swings now and the almost constant down swing that it’s like the morning commute, i go through the motions with little conscious interaction. I miss my friends a great deal, especially my best friend, she is pregnant at the moment and I am missing out on so much of her life but i’ve just been so internal and struggling a great deal that i have cut myself off.

My Mum has actually been a good thing in my life lately, we have been having sunday dinners at her place but if i’m not feeling well she sends my stepdad to pick up the girls for dinner and i stay home and have some quiet time, i end up feeling guilty for not pushing myself more and getting out but at least the kids have a great time and don’t miss out. Gosh, my daughter is nearly 11, I can’t believe I have a child that is nearly 11, it feels like my 20’s were mere moments ago but no, i’m 33, well into my 30’s and constantly feel bad that i don’t have things more sorted by now.

I hope you’re all doing well out there, you’re in my thoughts xo

4 responses to “Empty

  1. Rose says:

    Sorry to hear you’re not feeling your best. I think a lot of us tend to isolate when we are feeling numb or depressed or even anxious. I have a friend who is going through one of those periods now, and it is really difficult to try and raise his spirits, even for a bit. I think this is really just normal for people with depression or bipolar or really any other mental illness. I hope you are able to break through soon. I am rooting for you!

    • mckarlie says:

      thanks lovely, i know it will pass so there’s some comfort in that. one day i hope there will be an end to the roller coaster hey! hope you’re well xo

      • Rose says:

        I, too, wish for an end some day to the roller coaster. Maybe a magic pill or magic therapy will be invented…who knows, a girl can dream right? 🙂 And yes, I am well, at this very moment in time. Sending you ((hugs!))

      • mckarlie says:

        Ah see part of the reason i’m feeling so low is because i’m currently in therapy, addressing all of the repressed memories that came up from the abuse when i was 7-9. i knew it would be hard but it’s really really close to impossible. but if i’m ever going to be the best version of me i have to deal with all this baggage. we will both be happy one day, i have no doubt. sending you back great big bear hugs!!! mwa

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