I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Do dreams die from reality?

on June 10, 2014

I’m 33. When I was younger I had many plans, travel, become a psychologist at some point, buy a house. I hadn’t planned on having a family, didn’t have any interest in having kids and when I was 19 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and told I’d need assistance to get pregnant.

So, I rent, I have two kids and a man of 13 years, i have partially finished 3 different bachelor degrees and am nowhere near buying a house because they cost at least half a million these days. I have given up on having any kind of extraordinary existence and seem to be treading water. I consider it a win when I have a day where I don’t feel utterly shit about myself, I have definitely settled.

Yesterday on Ellen there was a 64 year old woman who has just swam from cuba to the florida keys, she was banging on about inspiration and never giving up and the cynic in me cringed a bit as she spoke of her woes, but part of me was desperately jealous of this older woman who is out there kicking arse and not giving a shit about conventional boundaries. It made me think that maybe there is still time for me to be something awesome, maybe I can have an extraordinary existence. But then I quickly shoot myself down, reminding myself that I am afflicted with bipolar and basically that means I can have buckets of good intentions, but when a depressive episode hits everything stops. Study, relationships, life in general just goes into pause mode and I try to just survive.

Part of me thinks that I just need to keep writing novels until one of them is really good, but then I’m so neurotic that finishing a novel is almost impossible. The one i’m working on now has interest from a friend’s literary agent but that ultimately means nothing, it’s not a guarantee of anything happening, it’s just potential and at this rate who knows if I will actually finish it because I keep over analyzing details and whether I should have written in a certain character before killing them off or if I should have started from the impact of their death and blah blah blah. You get me, I procrastinate.

Do you still have dreams? Do we get to have a mental illness and aspire to be great? Or do we just settle and try to survive?

27 responses to “Do dreams die from reality?

  1. mwgriffith says:

    Most people settle, especially if they have kids. I’m a bit of an introvert, married with children, but still maintain that someday I will do all of the things that I’ve only dreamed of. Swimming from Cuba to Florida? No…maybe enjoying a good scotch overlooking a cobblestone road in Italy or France. I’ve always maintained that, before I got married, I would not pick a bride that would change the way in which I live but would share the way in which I live. That means everything, from artistic creativity, to watching TV in my boxers, to hanging out at bars late into the night. When my two wonderful girls came along, I had to adjust, but not so much that I am denying myself my life long passions and dreams. We will go to Paris, we will go to Italy, I’ll enjoy the things that I’ve always enjoyed because I only have one life. ONE. I’m thirty five years old, so I’m halfway gone and it’ll be over in the blink of an eye. For me, there is no such thing as just settling. Everyone survives, but not every circumstance that life throws my way determines what makes me who I am, or what I will become in the days and years ahead.

    • mckarlie says:

      Yes, part of me still says ‘one day’ but the problem is, i will blink and be 50. I keep putting life off and thinking one day, but surely one day has come and gone more than once. We definitely need to alter our lives for our children but do we need to settle? Hmmm. I have no interest in swimming long distances or heading a big company, but i DO want to make some kind of difference.

      • mwgriffith says:

        We can make a difference everyday in our kids lives, too. 🙂

      • mckarlie says:

        So true, and i think that’s part of the reason I get by and don’t feel like i’ve ‘failed’ at life, because I’m a good mum and have beautiful children. But the fact is they are getting older and wont need me as much for very long, so i need to get my identity back outside of being a mum 🙂

      • mwgriffith says:

        You’re getting older? Wait till you get to my age. 😀
        Cheer up, and I hope that your life will be exactly what you want it to be, no matter what.

      • mckarlie says:

        Funny thing that, I’ve been getting older for a while now 😉

        I’m not un-cheerful by any measure, just pondering. I thank you kindly for your well wishes, once I figure out what I want it to be, I hope it is too. And for yours to be what you wish also 🙂

      • mwgriffith says:

        Well then, cheers! Glad that I’m following your blog. I hope for more thought provoking posts that will ignite the fires of conversation…and stuff.

      • mckarlie says:

        Haha, how rude of me I shall follow you back. I often don’t get the notification of a new follow on here so I may appear snooty.

        Until we next partake in thought provoking conversation and stuff, be well 🙂

  2. words4jp says:

    I am trying to figure that out. I have had dreams and many came true – but now that I am older I am finding I am having trouble dealing with life and the depression seems to be getting worse. There are many good days, but you are right – one episode or any episode pops out of nowhere and kicks you in the ass and then you are stalled. xx

    • mckarlie says:

      I have definitely traveled a lot which was one of my dreams, so I get what you mean, but i think many of us give up on dreaming as we get older and just get by. Here’s to us rediscovering inspiration 🙂

  3. Tone says:

    Your dreams are always close to the heart, and as long as your heart keeps beating your dreams can never die. Doubt and fear are the only killer of dreams. Stay positive and believe in yourself. 🙂

  4. I feel like this a lot but I’m trying to realise that it’s programming. I was programmed to be the subservient little woman and never do anything big so I didn’t eclipse him, and I don’t want to be his little plaything any more. So, I’m trying to finish a story that I will try and get published. I really hope you finish your novels, I would love to read them! I’ve missed your posts whilst you’ve been away x

    • mckarlie says:

      That’s really exciting, remember it can be one step forward three steps back lol i write in stops and starts, it all pours out of me for a few days then nothing for a few days. Hope you’re doing well, nice to be missed xo

      • Doing better thank you- I had to go into hospital, everything got too much, but I’m lucky that it was good for me and I’m out now. Going to see J in a week, I missed him so much! Yeah, you’re right. Just as you think you got over something it bites you in the ass again! xx

      • mckarlie says:

        Oooh that’s exciting, only 4 days now. How long has it been since you saw J? And yeah, hospital is a bit of a grim experience but can be necessary sometimes, it gave me great inspiration while I was there. So you managed to get through those negative deadlines that were set without too much hassle?

      • Yeah, The voices couldn’t do anything to me whilst I was in hospital and they get weaker every day. The promazine is helping a lot. 🙂 I last saw J in February, I missed him like hell the minute I left and have continued to do so ever since! It’s now one day til I fly. Can’t wait! x

  5. Rose says:

    Since when is it not enough to just be McKarlie? You are who you are. You’re a mother, a wife. Some people (with and without bipolar disorder) would kill for those two things, and you have them. You haven’t written the great American novel yet, but you’re still very young. It takes decades sometimes, or even after death, for great things to be published. I wouldn’t blame bipolar disorder on not being able to reach your dreams. You CAN get to a point where you are less symptomatic, but it DOES take work.

    • mckarlie says:

      Haha your frustration is palpable. Bless yer heart. The fact is being a wife and Mother has been enough, but my children are changing and will need me a lot less, so it has brought upon thoughts of the next stage of being. I will always be their Mother but it’s going to consume a lot less time than it does now as they are going to be getting their own independence soon enough. Remember, this blog is merely my musings, not a place where I moan about my hardships for sympathy.

      • Rose says:

        I wasn’t giving you any sympathy. That would have been encouragement.

      • mckarlie says:

        I didn’t say you were giving me sympathy, I was pointing out that I don’t blog for sympathy I’m merely writing my thoughts and feelings like many people do and for some reason you’ve decided to throw shade my way for doing so. I don’t know why you have an issue with what I wrote but perhaps it’s more about you than it is me, if not you can easily unfollow me.

  6. mwgriffith says:

    How are you today?

    • mckarlie says:

      Fantastic thanks. I finally made some decisions about the writing I’m doing, hoorah. How are you?

      • mwgriffith says:

        What decisions have you come to, I wonder? I’m quite fine, thanks. My wife is trying to make me marathon Orange is the New Black with her, but I don’t watch much tv as it is, let alone indulge in a marathon.

      • mckarlie says:

        haha, my husband is bringing home the entire season of orange is the new black from work today, not entirely up for that marathon myself.

        well i was desperately unsure of whether to rewrite the start as i had written in a character who dies quite early on and i have decided to stick with the beginning i have. may not sound like much but i assure you it was painstaking lol

      • mwgriffith says:

        My general rule of thumb is to hammer out the first draft, and go back when it’s done. The most important thing is to get it all out first and foremost.
        Orange is a good show, and good for a night in.

      • mckarlie says:

        That was my plan but it was niggling, and I’m too neurotic to leave a niggle. I don’t mind orange, i need to find new tv all my favourite shows seem to have ended

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