I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Low Bits

on June 6, 2014

So the last couple of weeks have been really unpleasant. I’m really stressed about moving and it’s effecting my mood quite poorly and so I’ve really struggled recently. I get to a point where I can fight it and blog and comment and share and catch up with friends to force myself to feel better, force myself back into the world from the safety of my bed or sofa,where i stare numbly at the tv or read if I’m able. I do this to keep my mind occupied so I don’t lose my shit. I get negative mantras in my head, when I’m alone they get so loud I sometimes vocalize them but stop myself from saying them out loud in their entirety as it feels like i’d be giving these words too much power.

This is the inside of my head, it’s a strange place to be and I’ve been fighting really negative feelings and thoughts but I know I’ll be successful. Well, honestly….I sometimes doubt if I’ll be successful, but figure saying that I know I’ll be ok eventually makes me sound less crazy lol

I am bipolar….it’s not who I am but by golly it sure has a lot to do with what I do, how I think, how I feel and how I effect others. It’s very close to being who I am isn’t it? But it’s not always the way, as I’ve gotten older my manic episodes have become less destructive and actually really productive. I don’t get delusions of grandeur or too much trouble sleeping these days, I just feel happier and more productive and good. So my “manic” episodes are what I feel to be my real life, and the depressive episodes, which last longer, are basically life on pause, life in sepia. I find myself treading water most of the time just to get by, all my energy being poured into just being ok for my kids that I literally feel exhausted just from such simple things. I hope I don’t sound sorry for myself, it’s hard not to when explaining the inside out of feeling utterly shitty, but it is what it is, many people suffer every day, my suffering is no greater or less than most people’s, but I try not to measure such things, comparing one’s sorrow to another and convincing yourself that you’re feelings are insignificant compared to other people’s problems and woes, well it’s really reductive to mental health but so so common. I am trying my best not to do that, we need to be feel of some worth and part of that is realizing that our feelings DO count and we ARE having a hard time and we deserve good things and not this shit we feel we’re wading through.

I’m going to try and get some writing done while I’m feeling so clear of mind, I hope you are all well xo



8 responses to “Low Bits

  1. Rose says:

    Keep on keepin’ on, girl! Blog when you can, get it out there. It really does help!

    • mckarlie says:

      I know it does lovely, sometimes you just gotta keep your head down and keep breathing lol but i’m pulling myself out 🙂 hope you’re good xo

  2. nikkiladouce says:

    I do the same thing sometimes. I say things are going to be positive when I definitely don’t feel that way. It just seems like it’s healthier than repeating negative stuff, even if it’s a lie. I wonder if it will help make the positive things stick eventually.

    • mckarlie says:

      I think it will, eventually. When we let the negative take over it definitely changes our mind set so if we force more positive into our minds then hopefully it will change things the other way. I’m not articulating myself well but hopefully you get what i mean lol

  3. This really resonated with me. Your description of manic really just feeling like productivity, where it used to just be destructive. I’m really starting to wonder if that’s not what’s going on with me. I saw a therapist for awhile who had me go to a psychiatrist to get tested and diagnosed “bipolar light”. The psychiatrist told me there was no pill to fix me, that I had a behavioral problem. That was such an ego boost /sarcasm! Anyway, reading your high and low as a functioning adult parent, it does makes me think about reconsidering therapy and getting tested again. Although I don’t want to be on medication so it would really only serve to help me understand myself better, I guess. Thanks for your insight!

    • mckarlie says:

      It’s possible, i believe a lot of people have milder forms of bipolar and go undiagnosed because of it. These days “manic” is pretty user friendly, i don’t really do the stupid shit i used to in my 20’s but i love being up. Life is so much easier. Let me know how things go with the psych, it’s always good to have a diagnosis if there is something going on, i’ve found understanding my condition was half the battle. I am of course on meds but that’s mainly because my depressive episodes are dank.

      • I’ll probably just deal with my new state of “normal” before seeing another doctor. I’m trying not to get caught up in labeling myself!!

      • mckarlie says:

        Labeling is not a good thing, however if there is a diagnosis there it’s always good to know, just for your own piece of mind. But in your own time girl, figuring ourselves out is best done in baby steps i say. Too much at once and i stick my fingers in my ears and shout lalalala, super mature behaviour I know 🙂

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