I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Always a choice….?

on May 7, 2014

It’s easy to be sad. It’s my default setting, except when I’m manic, then I’m the happiest person you could possibly meet. But for the most part, feeling like shit comes easily. So often I accept my miserable fate, curl up on the couch and stare at the tv for days on end. I don’t shower, I don’t eat, I don’t communicate with anyone except those I live with and even then it’s minimal. I wear my greasy hair like a badge of despair, my body stops aching for food and my mind stops ticking over and accepts that television will keep me connected to reality, ha!

Then I realize, I’m not helpless at all, I’m just giving in, giving up on trying. There are a thousand opportunities every day to make my situation even a little bit better. Have a shower, you DO feel better afterwards, even if a little. Eat some soup, your body is in starvation mode. Call a friend, a good one who will be ok if you sporadically cry. Go for a walk, a little bit of exercise really does have a positive effect on the depressed mind. Do SOMETHING. Do ANYTHING, just stop feeling sorry for myself and hibernating on the sofa, if I give in it will beat me.

So I’m torn between self indulgence and self awareness. I think of all those people I got to know during my hospital stay, those people who really don’t have a choice, those who can’t chose to change things because they don’t know how or simply can’t. Then I feel lazy, and that feeds the guilt and isolation, oh what a silly circle I have myself running in.

I think we often hand over our choice as the price we pay for depression. We forget we own our own will, we become slaves to our own emotions and let them lead and guide us into the murky swamps that track the tormented mind. So fuck it, today I’m having a shower, going for a walk and getting some work done. It may not sound like a lot to you but it’s a darn sight more than laying on the couch like a vegetable. Never forget you own your own will.

16 responses to “Always a choice….?

  1. O goodness, this resonates so. Somedays, my biggest accomplishment is a shower. I’ve went downhill so much. Your words are if you are in my brain. *Hug*

    • mckarlie says:

      Sometimes all it takes it a shower lovely. You have all the tools you need, so do i, we just need to remember to use them and work for our happiness *big hugs*

  2. Mountain Man says:

    “So I’m torn between self indulgence and self awareness.” – brilliant! I feel the first step forward moving towards the exit of a depressive state is identifying just what you did. I don’t feel as if anyone can ever beat “depression” as it follows us where ever we may go. However, be aware of the self indulgences is a huge step in the right direction. Keep smiling and enjoy your walk!!

    • mckarlie says:

      Yeah we really need to take some control back and quit the woe is me deal at some point, I think I’m sulking ’cause I sold my favourite guitar towards the end of last year and I’ve been at a loss at how to pour out my crazy without being able to write songs. Thank goodness for blogging or else I’d be utterly without an outlet, except for writing, but that only tends to happen when I’m up so it’s not the best for catharsis 🙂

      • Mountain Man says:

        Maybe it’s time to start looking for a new guitar? Craigslist or something like that? I’ve never had an outlet help me out as much as blogging has. It’s a great way to pour your mind vomit out. That and listening to Jason Mraz’s love is a four letter word album. It’s such a great album with such a positive message. Whenever I’m down that album goes in and the keyboard comes out.

        BTW love your vocabulary! Not everyday do I experience the word “catharsis”!

      • mckarlie says:

        Craigslist never got too big here, apparently it’s a good place to find people to murder if that’s your bag. But yeah, i think a new spruce top baby would bring me endless joy. I am not familiar with that album, clearly I should be. He does a live version of a song ‘if it kills me’ that i think is amazing, and i’m yours, that’s about all i know of his.

        BTW thank you, most people think i sound like a granny lol i’m ok with that in fairness

      • Mountain Man says:

        Maybe you can eBay out pawn shop one? I would highly suggest picking that album up. There are so many songs on there that are so inspiring such as living in the moment and 93 million miles. Just such a great album.

        People say I drive like a grandma so I guess we are kind of even?! I just like driving slowly because I’m an American. I’m not Russian anywhere.

      • mckarlie says:

        oh yeah i will find one eventually, i just want a really nice one and one needs to prioritize such things. I’m Russian on tuesdays. badabing!

      • Mountain Man says:

        Hahahaha. That’s funny!

      • mckarlie says:

        Ha you’re being a bit generous there. I had no idea how much of a wordpress noob I am. I managed to do the picture and the text but couldn’t figure out how to imbed the video. Things should just magically work you see

      • Mountain Man says:

        Haha. To embed the video all you need to do is copy and paste the link into the post. Don’t add a hyperlink just the text of the link will embed it.

      • mckarlie says:

        Oh i did that! but it just came up as text. I’ll have another crack.

      • Mountain Man says:

        That’s all it will be until you publish it.

      • mckarlie says:

        I did a preview and it was still text but i’m going to post it that way either way, it will magically sort itself surely.

      • mckarlie says:

        See look! It’s text! Haha

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