I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Stuck in the mud

on May 6, 2014

Logically, I know it will get better. Logically, I know that the despair I feel right now will pass. Logically I know that things will change. There is little room for logic in the tormented mind, there is nothing but haze and darkness and tears, so many tears. I have been a champion for positivity so many many times, but right now I feel so low that I don’t exactly know how to myself. One step forward, two steps back, three steps forward, two steps back and so on i dance with my guilt and sadness, my own emotional carousel that I want so desperately to get off of.

I guess being bipolar means that there will never truly be an end to the dance, just harder bits and easier bits good bits and bad bits, which is much like life for every single person out there. I know I’m not alone in my grief, I know there are many others out there feeling just as low, or even worse than I feel right now. It brings me no solace. More than anything, I feel utterly alone, hence I decided to write. I decided to write not for sympathy or a pat on the back but for myself, it’s the best tool I have to figure things out and I can’t keep swallowing my sadness in hope it will pass through me, I need to feel it and stare it down and shine a light on it and analyze it. I need to take it all apart so I can put it all back together, and this is the best way I know how.

I keep replaying mistakes I’ve made and reliving the guilt and negativity associated with them. I play things over and over in my mind, bathing in the murky puddles. I would make myself a martyr if I had any real strength, but right now I’m empty and alone. I know there are people that love me, people that need me, and that does (on paper) make a difference, but not in my heart. Usually the people I care about prop me up and keep me positive even when things are hard, but when the chemicals wont do what the chemicals are meant to do I end up like this, a lump of bitter despair. I don’t blame the people that damaged me in the past, I blame myself. I convince myself that I deserved all the things that were done to me and that this is not just PTSD and depression, it’s me and i’m fucking broken.

This too shall pass, and it is not my intention to bum anyone out, I just had to confront what I’m feeling at the moment, and what better way than this eh?

15 responses to “Stuck in the mud

  1. QueenOfTheDessert says:

    I am so sorry you are in so much pain. As a person who suffers from PTSD, I know how deeply confusing it is to intellectually understand that the events that happened were in the past, but have such vivid memories and flashbacks even today. There is so much value in everything that you say. Many people will read this and feel less alone. Keep writing. You are smart to do that. 🙂 -Lisa

    • mckarlie says:

      Thank you kindly. PTSD can cause endless cycles of pain can’t it, it can cause bad behaviors which we then feel terrible guilt over and so on. The flashbacks are horrific, so vivid sometimes I can almost smell the same smells and I feel like i’m a child all over again. Thank you for sharing 🙂

      • QueenOfTheDessert says:

        But you know what? PTSD sufferers are some of the strongest people I know. That means you! 🙂 -Lisa

      • mckarlie says:

        You’re very sweet thank you! And you’re right, it takes strength to deal with PTSD and all that goes with it. All the very best Lisa, thanks for dropping in and sharing some kind words 🙂

  2. Rose says:

    You are NOT broken, McKarlie. You are wounded, you are hurting, you are depressed, you are symptomatic. Not broken. PTSD is a real bitch and it is only in the last year or so that I have been able to really get over some things. When I was in the thick of it, though? That was hell so I do know, in a sense, where you’re coming from. Keep writing, keep blogging, keep getting your thoughts out so they don’t rattle around inside your head. I don’t know if you are currently in therapy…if not, worth considering. It isn’t often that someone can resolve their PTSD in their own head without help. And the depression? It won’t get better until some of those PTSD symptoms fade away. That was my experience. They go hand in hand. Wishing you all the best, dear! ((hugs!))

    • mckarlie says:

      I know, thanks lovely. There’s the constant battle between logic and emotion, but i’ll get the balance back. I have done therapy to death lol but i do think it’s a great help for most people. I’m still dealing with all the things that were repressed up until a few months ago so I’m not expecting miracles, one day at a time and all that. Thanks for your support darlin *hugs*

  3. I’m no expert on PTSD, but the depression can be horrible. Thank you for reaching out yesterday. I hope you have some peace.

    • mckarlie says:

      It has it’s ups and downs, I for one am over the downs 🙂

      Most welcome, how are you going?

      • I’m ‘ok’. I’ve cycled twice today from the bottom of ‘crying’ to being ‘ok’ and chipper. I’m so exhausted from it all. thanks for checking on me. I love blogging, I’ve got more support in two weeks than I have in 10 years. I just wish I could be where ever all you awesome people are.

      • mckarlie says:

        Yeah blogging can be such an amazing support, and you can be totally honest about yourself which is something that ‘real life’ seldom affords us. I’m with you girl, I was so so down yesterday but today I feel somewhat empowered, I really need to fight back. I really hope you get some balance and peace soon dearest 🙂

      • I know the pink flower and my emotions make it seem so, but I would be wrong if I didn’t correct you. I’m a guy. However, I take no offense to the statement – I understand.

      • mckarlie says:

        Oh shit i feel so dopey now!! haha i’m sorry lovely the flower made me assume, and i’ve learned many a lesson about assumptions and should have known better.

      • It is ok. If you read my about page. . . haha 🙂
        Please don’t think of me differently.

      • mckarlie says:

        Goodness no, and i have read quite a few of your blogs i guess i just made an off the cuff assumption and ignored any signs to the contrary. You’re lovely, regardless of what gender you are *hugs*

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