I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

I’m baaaack!!!

on April 24, 2014

Hello my lovelies. As you may well know it’s been a few months since I have posted. Unfortunately I spent some time in hospital, then after coming out we had issues with our internet and got fed up with our ISP so we changed to a different company who then screwed us around for 8 weeks. Then we found out the place we’ve been renting for five odd years is about to be sold so we decided it wasn’t worth getting the internet back only to pay an exorbitant fee to move it to a different address so i got myself a dongle to access the internet. It’s a bit like going back to dial up but at least I can do basic browsing and keep in touch with all of you dear souls.

So, the last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster for me and the family. My hospitalization was crazy and intense but after I came out I was deeply inspired and started writing my novel. I’m still not done but happily I have interest from my friend’s literary agent already so I’m feeling really positive about that. It’s my first full novel, I’ve started a lot of projects over the time but such is the bipolar mind that many tasks started go unfinished, but this has been a labor of love. While I was ill i spent nearly every possible moment I could reading, that was always my issue with being a ‘writer’ – i wasn’t sure of my identity as such, could never decide on exactly how i wanted to write and what message i wanted to purvey. After reading dozens of books and spending time with some of the most amazing ‘characters’ i’ve ever met in the hospital, i finally had a clear voice and started with my story outline and started to fill it in. I wont go into the details of it at the moment but I’m feeling really positive about the work. I know so many people who want to write just so they can call themselves a writer, and I suppose I can understand that but I find it brings me more joy than anything else in life (aside from my lovely kids of course) – i’ve been writing poetry and songs and short stories since i was a wee one and it always pours out of me and provides such catharsis.

Now, my Mother. We have had our ups and downs over the past few months but I’m most pleased to share that things are going quite well. Writing that letter was the best thing I could have done, and I’m so pleased I didn’t send the first version of it, the one laced with disdain. She is still a passive aggressive nut but her heart is in the right place and she knows she let me down in the past and has been trying her absolute best to make it up to me. She still has a bit of denial as to just how much she neglected me when I was younger and some of the atrocities that happened under her watch, but there has been SOME acknowledgement from her and even that is a miracle and more than i could have dreamed of. We are both flawed individuals and have realized we need to cut each other some slack. I do admit I get pangs of jealousy when I see her interact with my half siblings, but i’m also delighted that she saw the mistakes she made with me and corrected them with my siblings, she has been a much better mother to them than she was to me but she was 13 years older when she had my sister than when she had me and she had a partner there unlike with me, albeit a drunk partner but still, she had a bit of support. So my sister is 20 now, my brothers 18 and 17. It’s been so lovely spending time with them all, we are slowly rebuilding the relationships we lost over the past few years I hadn’t seen them and they are really sweet and quirky people. We’ve even taken to having Sunday roast dinners at Mums, how very domestic and functional of us! Unfortunately my Stepfather is still drinking, and my Mother is still miserable in their marriage, but I don’t think either of them is capable of the change it would take for them to be truly happy together. It breaks my heart watching my mother scrimp and scrape money together because he is spending hundreds a week on alcohol. He has had a long history of being caught drink driving and recently got his license back after losing it for 12 months and copping a rather huge fine. Because he is a consistent repeat offender he now has an interlock device attached to his car, is that how you spell it? I don’t know, I’m only aware of them because of some reality show I occasionally catch on telly. Basically, it’s a breathalyzer built into his car, and he has to blow into it to start his car and if he has any alcohol on his breath it wont operate. It also gets him to do random breath tests while driving, and if he doesn’t breathe into it it causes his horn to start beeping and his lights to start flashing and then once the engine is off it wont start again. It’s demoralizing that it’s taken such an extreme measure to ensure that he doesn’t drink while he drives but it is what it is, he got into an accident when he was about 20, he was drunk and driving in a rural area with his then girlfriend and he crashed. She passed away and I think he’s been trying to drink away the memories of that ever since. It’s such a shame because he’s almost two people, sober he is a very quiet and kind man who works hard and loves kicking the soccer ball around with his grand children or picking tomatoes with them in their garden but when he’s drunk he’s an absolutely vile creature full of hate and vitriol. I will never forget the abuse I suffered at his hands but I have finally forgiven him because it was eating me up inside and holding onto it just wasn’t worth it. I think it will always hurt a little but I had to let go of the hate, and slowly healing has started to occur.

Anyway, that’s the highlights. I have really unreliable internet at the moment but will be checking in with as many of you as I can. I’ve missed interacting with you lovelies. Peace xo

17 responses to “I’m baaaack!!!

  1. Rose says:

    So lovely to have you back! Sorry to hear of your difficult times, but it sounds like things are getting better, at least in some areas of your life. Keep writing that book…I, for one, would buy and read happily! 😀

    • mckarlie says:

      Aww my first reader! Hehe, thank you lovely. I don’t expect big things from it I’m just enjoying the creative outlet so much that if it does manage to get published I’d be happy to sell five copies lol how are you doing??

      • Rose says:

        I’m doing really well! I am so glad you’re back…have missed you around the blogosphere. Hope the hospitalization wasn’t too serious…I didn’t even know you were going in. Where the hell have I been?

      • mckarlie says:

        Why thank you lovely. The hospitalization came from left field with an extremely rapid decline, but the things i’ve learned and the experiences i had were inspiring. i think hospital is just about the most grim place on earth but golly i got some interesting stories lol have i missed any major events? i’m slowly catching up on others blogs so do forgive me, i will get around to catching up 😉

      • Rose says:

        Well I am sorry to hear about the decline and the hospital and all things related. I hope you are feeling much much better now. Do you have some additional support now that you are out and about again? And I haven’t seen you blog again, so you’d better get on it with your hospital stories. And I’m not worried about you catching up on my blog…just skip to present and ask questions later. 😀

      • mckarlie says:

        Thank you lovely, i do have some support but i’m still a bit stuck, i’ll get there eventually though. I tend to shut down when i’m feeling low so i’m trying to make myself blog more because it does have a positive effect. The stories will come, I’ll email you the novel once i’m happy with it, would love your thoughts 🙂

      • Rose says:

        Yes, you WILL get there eventually. And the thing people tend to do when they feel down is shut down, yes. All I can urge you to do is not give up and keep yourself open to new possibilities. And do email me that novel. I’d love to give it a read!

  2. luciddream85 says:

    Glad you are back. I had wondered what happened! Writing a book is so exciting. I’m in the process of doing the same thing, except I don’t have an agent, so I guess I will just self publish 🙂

    • mckarlie says:

      I’ve heard some nightmare tales of self publishing but it can definitely be a positive thing. How exciting, how far in are you? What kind of story is it?

  3. Jessica Slavin says:

    oh it is so nice to *hear* you, i am glad you are back
    and excited for you to write the book!

    • mckarlie says:

      Thank you lovely!!! How are things with you and your lovely boys? It’s been forever!

      • Jessica Slavin says:

        I just realized I never responded here! I am doing okay overall. The boys are doing really well, knock wood! Which makes life sunnier. I am a bit bored with the work-mom-work-mom routine, but things could be worse, you know? 🙂 How are you??

      • mckarlie says:

        Ha, I had forgotten about it in fairness. Yeah, much the same really. Have a lot of change coming up though so that should be interesting/unsettling lol

      • Jessica Slavin says:

        Oh no. still battling the depths of grief too? Hugs to you.

      • mckarlie says:

        Thanks lovely, nothing too dramatic just standard life stresses and woes lol glad you’re well, if not a little bored 🙂

  4. surviving here says:

    glad you’re back too.

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