I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

It’s easier to feel alone

on October 27, 2013

It’s easier to feel alone, it’s easier to believe no one cares and that we are destined to be held within our own shell, battling ourselves and never finding true happiness. For so long I was told I had depression and anxiety, i got my diagnosis just over a year ago, I’m bipolar. Being bipolar for me means I’m sensitive to how people treat me, how they respond to me, if they reply to a text or email or tweet or what have you. It means that sometimes I’m full of hope and productive, I believe that life is hard but ultimately worth the effort of trying and that trying is the only way to be happy. Then BAM, I’m on the floor in tears, empty, i feel like nothing tethers me to this life other than my children and if not for them I’d already be gone. I feel so empty yet so full of pain that the contradiction itself is a source of great discomfort.

I spent my twenties curled up in my own ball of sadness and madness and all that goes along with it. Not understanding my illness properly didn’t help, I hit rock bottom a few times and nearly took my own life, more than once. When I heard people say things like ‘it gets better’ or ‘talk to someone it will help’ i would instantly get my back up and roll my eyes, ‘stupid hippie’ ‘what do they know?’ – i didn’t believe anyone knew my pain, couldn’t understand my pain and had no interest in me.

I craved love, but when anyone got close to me I’d find a way to push them away, preempting the inevitable rejection from them. Not trusting that anyone would love me once they got to the real me, I suffered rejection as a child and couldn’t possibly handle anymore as an adult.

I understand why someone would put up walls, a lot of us do. I’m not completely without them myself, but I have knocked many of them down, I’ve started to let people in and started to share the real me, and it’s more healing and cathartic than I could ever say. I know it’s hard, but if you can just take baby steps and try a little at a time, share some of yourself and when you find others like you it makes you feel so much better. The fact is, no one is alone in their pain, there are so many of us going through similar things at any given time, and it’s when we connect and use each other to lean on that we start to win the fight. Big love to you all xo

17 responses to “It’s easier to feel alone

  1. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but you just described me in this post. I don’t and won’t let anyone in. I have been down that road and for me it is better to just have me to deal with. Thanks for sharing.

    • mckarlie says:

      There’s plenty “wrong” with all of us, I wouldn’t worry that you’re alone in that. Don’t you find it terribly lonely? I did, I got so lonely it only made my mental health issues worse and worse.

      • I guess it bothers me some, but it bothers me more when there is a room full of people and I am like a ghost, no one listens to me or speaks with me.
        I have just found it easier to stay to myself, I have my dog and we manage fine.

      • mckarlie says:

        A lot of people struggle with groups, I’m quite social but I feel like a shadow of myself in certain groups and I’m quite a strong personality. Even if you can’t connect with people in person you can connect ‘virtually’ – most of my “real life” friends don’t see my blogs, I’m much more Ernest with everyone online than I am in person but I still find it cathartic

      • No one that I know personally reads my tweets, blogs, facebook, nothing. it is a protective barrier. No one that I know can see that I am no longer who I was. Once I was feared by many, and hated (purely job related) Now I am weak. No one needs to see that. As for people that I know that claim to be my friends. Sorry they need to learn what a friend is first.

      • If no one can get in, no one can hurt you. I am not in the game any more. At the very least it is a false sense of security.

      • mckarlie says:

        I’ve never been part of the game. And there are exceptions to every rule, but the point of my post was that letting people in and sharing and connecting with those who have had similar experiences and go through similar things, is a good thing. Obviously not for everyone, but for most I would say.

      • My apologies, I was looking at it in a different way. I had the mind set of people around me. not people who live in side the box on my desk.

      • mckarlie says:

        No worries, you seem to trivialize online interactions, but I consider them just as valid as interpersonal ones. People aren’t in a box on your desk, they’re living breathing humans with their own minds and experiences, the box is merely how you communicate with them. I hope you find what works for you, people can be pretty amazing if you give them a chance πŸ™‚

      • I understand what you are saying and appreciate it very much.
        Obviously this is not the forum for me to communicate with others as I seemingly cause disruption due to my inability to get my point across.
        One more reason to stick to myself. Thank you for making things perfectly clear for me.

      • mckarlie says:

        I feel you got your point across, I feel I also got my point across. You seem to feel we’ve had a negative exchange but I don’t feel that at all. I’m interested in what you have to say and if I appear otherwise then it’s me that’s failed in the communication process here. Things aren’t always as grim as they seem πŸ™‚

      • To the best of my ability I have removed myself from Word Press. I cleaned everything out of FaceBook the other day. I will no longer be the cause of anyone feeling badly because of anything that I have said. I have left one last entry on my WP page. Thanks for your time and for pointing some valuable things out to me. You are indeed correct in your assumption that some are best left on their own.

      • mckarlie says:

        I’m not sure who you think you made feel badly but it certainly hasn’t been me. I’d say we haven’t been on the same page, I don’t think that anyone should be alone, unfortunately however some people feel it necessary. All the best to you, I hope you find what you’re looking for and a little peace.

  2. words4jp says:

    I find that what you have described is much like me. I wonder sometimes if I may have more than depression and anxiety. I had an episode today. And since then, I have been as heavy as I have ever felt. Strange to feel so upset and cry without being able to stop and keep crying and then feel like I was knocked over the head with a boulder.

    • mckarlie says:

      Yeah it is exhausting isn’t it? When I got out of hospital I slept so much for about a week afterwards, being so emotionally drained knocks on physically. I was 30 when I got my diagnosis, I had even gone to a GP and said “I think I’m bipolar” to which they insisted I had “anxiety and depression” but if you think there’s more going on it’s almost certain there is more going on. We know ourselves better than anyone or any doctor ever can

  3. anacruiz10 says:

    This is really beautiful, thank you for sharing this!

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