I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

From rock bottom to…..something else

on September 28, 2013

It’s hard to believe it was just a few weeks ago I was in hospital on suicide watch, every moment hurt to just be, it was pretty dire. For 25 years I had known terrible things had happened with my first stepfather, but i kept it buried deep and by drudging it all up at once i overwhelmed myself and ended up drowning in trauma.

In hindsight I feel a little silly for thinking i could take it on without consequences, there’s a reason it was buried, my sub conscious was looking out for me in it’s own backwards way, so when i dug it up and thought about the details and talked about it often and openly, it all became too much and i hit rock bottom. That place most of us know, those of us with a mental illness. It creeps in the shadows like a monster in the closet, it’s a place we don’t want to go away but it’s always in the back of our minds that we will be there again. Rock bottom is not a fun place, it’s despair and turmoil and pain, so much pain, and it hurts so much that it feels impossible to go on.

But, you go on. If you’re truly worried about harming yourself and/or ending things, you check yourself in somewhere and tell people, let people know that you’re close to the edge, they’ll hold you back from falling temporarily while you need them to. I’m going on holiday soon and it’s been a while since we’ve been on a holiday, i’ll be sitting by the beach soaking up the sun and the fact that not long ago i could barely hold onto my life will be but a distant memory. But it does leave it’s scars, every time we visit that place i think it takes a little bit of us away, and we have to fight to get it back. I spent a couple of weeks treading water after my episode, and i’ve been a lot quieter on my blog than usual, which i know is the opposite of what i should be, because the more i write and share the better i get. so this is just that, an update if you will.

I’ve had so much encouragement and support from some of you, it’s meant a lot to me. I adore all you wonderful broken beautiful people, broken just like me. But there’s nothing wrong with being broken, this is something i’ve come to learn, so long as you are trying to be the best version of yourself, then the rest are just details.

So for anyone near rock bottom, i hope you hold on. I’m not far past it and life is good. I’m not at full capacity but i’m happy enough. I can’t say I’m happy, because that’s a work in progress, ultimate goal if you will, but i’m happy enough and that’s a good place to be. everything can change so quickly, we can be so miserable and pained one week and a few weeks later the world looks a lot different. there’s always the exhausted treading water phase after such an episode but that’s necessary, it takes a physical emotional and mental toll on a person being that low.

Peace 🙂

11 responses to “From rock bottom to…..something else

  1. olgatodd says:

    God loves you and He is always with you!

    Stay strong my friend

  2. Glad you made it through to he other side… stay strong!

  3. I am so pleased you’ve reached this point! I am really happy for you that things are looking up. All of us broken people adore you right back. X

    • mckarlie says:

      How are you doing lovely?

      • Up and down. Having a hard hard time with dealing with my voices and the ghosts of my past, but SO thankful for all the support I’ve received. I am seeing the psychologist again this week. Hope you are going from strength to strength xx

      • mckarlie says:

        Have you sorted some meds out? The right mix makes all the difference.

        Things have been a bit stressful for me but i’m coping, thanks chicky xo

      • Not yet. I am going to see the psychiatrist soon I hope, I was told a week before I get the appointment. I am tired of the voices but I have such support with my family. I am postponing worrying about my future until I get a diagnosis.
        I hope you keep getting better and better. xxx

      • mckarlie says:

        Push to see a psychiatrist, it will make all the difference lovely. You’re doing the right thing in not worrying, once you know what you’re dealing with you can come up with a plan of action. So glad you have support it makes all the difference x

      • Yup, I rang the other day and they have an appointment for me, definitely. If I get time tomorrow I will ring the psychiatrist’s and ask when it is, I don’t want to wait any longer. Thank you so much for all your help 🙂 x

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