I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Rock bottom again

on August 23, 2013

So i’ve had a crazy few days. I spent the night before last in the hospital, on suicide watch. I’m not being treated as an outpatient by what they call the “CATT team” here in australia.

How did i arrive at rock bottom? Well, all these years I knew deep down that I had been sexually abused when I was young. But i have opened the proverbial pandora’s box and thought i was dealing with it, but i wasn’t keeping up.

The flashbacks of the abuse started to fill my head constantly, i could almost feel his breath on my neck, i could almost smell his smell and feel his moustach against my cheek. I took some old oxy that i had laying around from my back issues, trying to block it all out, it gave me temporary peace, as anyone who has abused an opiate knows, the good feelings you get when you take it, you end up paying for later in bad feelings.

Then, on wednesday of this week someone close to me screwed me over badly and put me in a difficult situation, and it made me spiral. I ended up hysterical, wanting to end my life. A close friend took my children for me and i went to hospital, i collapsed in the waiting area and was rushed through with heart palpitations and an extremely fast heart rate. It’s all a bit of a blur, There were nurses and doctors all around me, stripping me off and attaching sticky pads to all parts of me, there were questions asked, many questions. I can’t remember a lot of it, i was in and out of consciousness, then my heart rate settled and i came to. They moved me to an emergency ward bed and had a psych consultant come by. He said he wouldn’t be able to see me that night but that i was first on his list for the next morning and that then nurses would be there to help me with anything and keep an eye on me, which was true to the point of them knocking on the toilet door when i was more than 3 minutes.

For anyone who has spent a night on an emergency ward, you would know that sleep is sparse and noise is plenty. So many people coming and going, so manyΒ  machines making so many noises, i managed to get a few hours sleep until a patient came in screaming in pain, she was right next to me in the next bay. It’s all quite grim really, but if you are worried that you may harm yourself it’s better to be there than not be there.

The psych consult came back the next morning and we had a talk, we decided that i would be treated as an outpatient by the catt team. Basically they are social workers, nurses, case managers those kind of people, they come out to your home and sometimes provide you with medication to get through a temporary situation. The urge to do it is still there but my husband took a couple of days off work to be home for me and with him and my kids around, i know i will be safe. I know that if things bubble up too much again i will either call the CATT team or go back to the hospital.

So here I am again at rock bottom, it’s not a nice feeling and each moment is quite painful, it’s hard just to get through. It feels like i’m moving through time but time has become a thick jelly like substance and i can’t move freely or with ease. Almost every time i close my eyes i see his face, my abuser, i hear the things he would say to me in my head, i remember how small and insignificant i felt while i was being abused and it all rushes back to me, i feel small and empty.

Suicidal thoughts are nothing to be taken lightly, i sometimes find myself slightly frustrated with those who constantly say things like ‘i’m just going to end it all i’ve decided to die it’s just a matter of time’ – it’s posturing really, not to say their pain isn’t real but if you are seriously worried you may kill yourself, get yourself to a hospital, like i’ve said, it’s not the most comfortable environment but it’s important to hold onto life, because as much as things hurt right now, i know they will get better. i know i will get better and be able to function again and put positivity out into the world again. i know i can make positive changes in the lives of those who care about me, albeit small it doesn’t matter, i have to hold onto these thoughts and the hope that i know it will get better. Never use suicide as a threat to get attention, if you want attention just ask for it, just say what you’re feeling and you will get attention. As someone who has genuinely been scared by my own thoughts and possible actions, i implore others to take it as seriously as possible.

I owe a couple of my fellow bloggers an email, I’m sorry i fell off the radar this week but as you’ve read, things have been quite intense for me and i’m sorry if anyone feels let down. I’m always here for you as much as i can be, but sometimes i’m not able to look after myself and need help too.

I hope all of you are doing well, i can’t wait to get better and start to write more poetry again and contribute more positivity.

21 responses to “Rock bottom again

  1. Jessica Slavin says:

    You are in my thoughts. It is incredible and wonderful to hear your confidence in knowing that this will not last forever. You will feel better. Just hold on. Know that you are quite literally surrounded by love. Made of love, creating love. What he did does not define you. You are just wonderful, such a shining light. Hold on.

    • mckarlie says:

      Your friendship, albeit ‘virtual’ is so comforting, thanks Jess. I had no idea how badly confronting my past abuse would affect me but like always my man and kids are dragging me through the mud, I know how much they need me so as much as anything in this life may hurt, I can’t leave them behind. I know from here the only way is up, thanks for your support x

      • Jessica Slavin says:

        How could you know how it would affect you? Pain is not knowable. Only way out is through, unfortunately. Hold on, sending you light and love. Virtual hug.

      • mckarlie says:

        True, through is sucky though lol thank you gorgeous πŸ™‚

  2. Thank you for writing this beautiful blog, it was exactly what I needed to read today and I appreciate your words so much! I’m sending you love and hugs and compassion for your current difficulties. It’s so true, as you put it so well- suicidal thoughts are terrifying and not to be taken lightly. Anyone who has really been there knows how soul distressing it is. I’m so proud of you for seeking help when you needed it! You will feel better, and you do make a wonderful difference in the world. And please never stop writing your poetry.

  3. JaimesVoice says:

    Still keeping up, even if I haven’t said much. I still think you are brave beyond anyone’s expectations and your emotions are REAL and Sustained….what you are feeling is understandable and my heart still goes out to you, even though I know you are not looking for sympathy. Hang in there, you have already come so far, you can do this. Look at your kids…sometimes…mine were my only reason for hanging on, and always remember, they love you unconditionally and they need you, no matter what. Take care.

    • mckarlie says:

      I don’t feel terribly brave because I resorted to old habits of trying to numb the pain and took pills when I should have just felt the pain, but I am trying my best and in being honest about my behaviour it means I won’t be doing it again. You’re right about kids, they really do keep you hanging on even when you feel you can’t go another moment, I draw so much positivity and love from them they’re why I’m still here. Thank you for your input and support I truly appreciate it πŸ™‚

  4. Wow, that’s such a tough thing to have to go through- I’m so so sorry about all your flashbacks, they’re such a bitch. I hope you keep improving sweetie, and I’m here if you need to throw me a line. X

  5. DD Latebloomer says:

    You’re in my thoughts ❀

  6. Hi mckarlie, thank you for sharing something so personal. Your story is so captivating and has been a huge inspiration to me. You need to tell yourself what I have told myself all these years: if you give up, then he wins. Hang in there, xoxo.

    • mckarlie says:

      I guess this is the price one pays for repressing trauma for so many years, once it’s out it’s everywhere. I let it consume me and the flashbacks have been consistent and intense, but you’re right lovely, there’s no way on this earth he will have any part to do with my final chapter. I may be weak right now but i’m getting a little stronger every day and i’m going to fight with all i have for my happiness. Things can truly only go up from here, it can only get easier than it is right now, so i’m holding onto that with both hands. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement, it really does make a difference. All the support I’ve received through my blog has made me feel stronger than I believe myself to be. It means a lot xo

  7. carlypms says:

    sending love your way xxx from someone who has been so up and down and in and out of what seems like chronic depression. Your story is inspiring. What a strong person you are xx

    • mckarlie says:

      that;s very kind of you to say, i’m just doing my best to keep my head above water at the moment but dealing with it slowly, one day at a time. thanks for stopping by πŸ™‚

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