I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Bipolar, my 50 shads of cray

on August 14, 2013

I’m having a depressive episode, the last thing I feel like doing is writing which is why it seemed prevalent for me to do so. It’s like the colour has been sucked out of everything. When I’m “up” everything is bright, I want to help others, I smile at the people who serve me in stores, I smile at strangers who pass me on the street. I write endless amounts of poetry and stories, I’m full of creative energy and bursting to share with everyone.

When I’m down, it’s like everything is a lighter shade of what it should be, greyish. I don’t smile at strangers, I don’t talk to people who serve me in stores, I get angrier when I drive. I find myself staring off into nothing for what seems like endless amounts of time. Everything seems like an effort, going to get milk from the store, taking my daughter to get new shoes, it all feels like WOE IS ME, and I then feel guilt over being so ‘slack’ – logically i know i’m not slack, I have an illness, but it’s hard not to feel guilty when I feel myself being so unpleasant, so empty.

I know it’s just a matter of time till it passes, I know it will pass, thanks to medication i’m not as low as i tend to get during an episode, i’m just numb. I’m like a zombie, there’s small signs of life here and there but for the most part, I’m just on autopilot trying to get through, waiting till I’m back up and can feel again. I feel like my ‘up’ self is my true self, that I am a happy person who gets a tad manic at times but for the most part my up isn’t manic, it’s just happy and productive. There’s no point in drawing lines as to where my illness ends and where i begin, it’s an impossible task, I can do so in my behaviours by analyzing and trying to figure that out but when it comes to me as a person, such lines can’t be drawn.

Anyway, to all who are feeling the same, I feel for you. Not as much as I normally would lol oh gosh is that a bad joke? You have to laugh at yourself sometimes or else you truly will go crazy. But genuinely, I know there are others out there feeling shitty just like me, I know there are others having the up part of the cycle at the moment, it’s all part of the different shades of cray, ha.

13 responses to “Bipolar, my 50 shads of cray

  1. Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon says:

    I really commend you for *Sharing* your story. It makes ME and I’m sure many others feel we are NOT ALONE….I suffer from Manic Depressive Bi-polar and Agoraphobia and it is Daily Challenge even with the meds I take. Some of the side effects are prevalent. I became a Writer and Blogger to also Speak out about The Stigma around Mental & Emotional illness, and recovery from Addiction. Thanks again for sharing! God Bless, Author, Catherine Townsend-Lyon 🙂 🙂

    • mckarlie says:

      Thanks for sharing Catherine. I have grappled with addiction in the past, what were your issues with if you don’t mind me asking?

      There is a great deal of stigma associated with addiction issues and bipolar, I find depression is slowly receiving more understanding but bipolar gets used as an adjective so often it can make you feel so misunderstood.

      • Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon says:

        My Addiction was Addicted Compulsive Gambling…And a few too many Cocktails….I’ve been in Recovery for over 6yrs, and my Mission in Life & in Recovery is to Help others have *HOPE* and help *SHATTER THE STIGMA* of Addiction, Recovery, and Mental Health Disorders that I also suffer from! I do this through my Recovery, AND My New book, Thanks! Author, Catherine Lyon 🙂 🙂

      • mckarlie says:

        All the best with your book and recovery 🙂

  2. I feel you. Sometimes it’s hard just getting out of bed. Here’s hoping that the depressive mood passes quickly for you. I am trying to force myself out of a dark period. It’s a hard thing to do. But you can do it. I am sure I can too. I hope I can.

  3. Thanks for sharing. I understand completely! I just came out of a depressed episode myself.

    Like you, I felt like a zombie and just did my best to go thru the motions of being a mom and wife. It’s back-to-school time which means shopping for clothes and supplies. I typically relish any opportunity to shop but it was painful and I felt the same guilt that you described.

    But, I feel much better now. For me, it took a change in my medication to make it happen.

    I hope you are feeling better soon. Hang in there!

    • mckarlie says:

      Are you bipolar or suffer depression? It’s hard being a mum and wife when all you want to do is stay in bed and sleep, I’m learning to negate the guilt associated with feeling like I’m letting my family down but it does niggle at times. I think I’m starting to come out of it now, sharing and interacting helps so much. Thanks for your well wishes 🙂

  4. Ugh Bi Polar is so bad. I finally just got over what seemed to be a horribly long bout of the low. I got to a point where logically I know it will end but it just seems like that is what the rest of my life will be. I am finally getting out of that low and that feels great I am always amazed at how different life is between the highs and the lows and how during the lows I forget how great the highs are. Hang in there!

    • mckarlie says:

      I’m hanging in, thanks. I just hold onto my family and keep telling myself it will pass. My last depressive episode lasted about 9 months and my last manic episode was about two months but thanks to meds the swing isn’t as drastic as it used to be. I feel like I’m on the up now, pulling myself out of the funk slowly. Thanks for sharing 🙂

  5. wearydearie says:

    Unfortunately, I understand the depressive lows all too well and recognize the feeling in your honest and expressive writing. Thank you for putting the feelings down and sharing.

  6. wearydearie says:

    maybe it is the meds, mood and anxiety stabilizers, but I feel that I am always struggling for energy. Don’t get the highs….

    • mckarlie says:

      Are you bipolar? It’s possible you just suffer from depression if you’re not getting the highs. I don’t get any great amount of energy but I’m definitely a lot more motivated when “up” and find it hard to do anything when I’m down. Maybe you need to review your meds with your psych doc? If you have one?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: