I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Lost and Unsure

on August 6, 2013

I have this pain inside my soul

And my heart it has a gaping hole

I try and try to fill it up

But nothing seems to be quite enough

I fall so far I can’t see day

I fall so deep I lose my way

I wish that I could figure out

What this life is truly about

I try to be kind and share my love

I’ve tried to be aloof and watch from above


I have tried all different ways

To make it through my twisted days

But it feels like I’m lost in an endless haze


I hold onto pain from my past

I worry for all of my days it will last

All I want is love and family

But it would seem it’s not destined for me

I need to know what I’m about

I need to let the grief flow out

But I lock it down deep in my heart

I want to heal but don’t know where to start

One day I hope I’ll find the peace

And soothe the inner savage beast

That haunts me from the inside out

It tears me up it, I hear it shout

I cry out for some piece of mind

I hope and pray one day I’ll find

25 responses to “Lost and Unsure

  1. shoe1000 says:

    I hear you dear friend
    I hear you.

  2. Jessica Slavin says:

    I am here too, and listening. I do thimk that if you can acknowledge the pain, give it a little place at the table so to speak, be present with it, get familiar with it, it can start to lose some of its force.

    • mckarlie says:

      Thanks Jessica, hope you’re doing well. As you can see from my absence I have been struggling a little, mainly over a letter to my Mother. Thanks so much for your thoughts, you’re right. You can’t just face something and get over it, you need to work through the issues and feel the pain before you can move on.

      • Jessica Slavin says:

        I wondered where you were and should have asked. I am glad you are back. Virtual hug from across the miles.

      • mckarlie says:

        I will disappear a little here and there, when I have nothing positive to contribute I tend to hide away instead of whinge lol not saying that others shouldn’t I’m sure it’s very cathartic I just hate myself complaining so I internalize. Virtual hugs back at ya lovely 🙂

      • Jessica Slavin says:

        I understand, I just wanted you to know that I enjoy hearing what’s going on internally with you, even if it’s just in the form of the poems. Take care of yourself!

      • mckarlie says:

        Thanks so much Jessica, I enjoy our interactions so much it’s been really nice getting to know you. How are things going with you and your boys? Have they been spending much time with their Dad?

      • Jessica Slavin says:

        Oh, I enjoy our conversation too. 🙂 I am mostly fine. Moving to a different apartment soon, a bit of stress and disruption over that. And as a matter of fact the boys’ father just suddenly moved across the country, which was unexpected and a bit traumatic perhaps for the boys. But we manage. Hope things have been okay by you?

      • mckarlie says:

        What area of the states are you in again? I’m not sure if I’ve asked. Oh wow, has their dad moved permanently? How are they coping?

        I’m doing better thanks, I’ve written an improved version of the letter to my mother and am literally about to go and send it. I feel really positive about it and it’s a great step in getting closure 🙂

      • Jessica Slavin says:

        Oh, I am so happy for you. So hard to open and be vulnerable. But so healing.

        I am in the midwest, Wisconsin. He is moving to the west coast, where most of his family is. The boys have been okay so far wi th it. Time will tell the longer term outcomes.

      • mckarlie says:

        When is he moving? At least they have you, I don’t know you terribly well but I can see you love them immensely and so long as they have at least one consistent parent I’m sure they’ll be just fine. You’re an inspiration as a mother, you should be proud of yourself hun 🙂

  3. Sorry I have missed some blogs by you recently, but I just read this one and can relate in some ways…we are not alone.

  4. crissybwell says:

    Very moving and so sad, yet hopeful. There will come a day, and we all sometimes get lost but we can find our way again. *hugs*

  5. crissybwell says:

    Good afternoon friend! I know you have been kind of down lately and I just wanted to share with you that I nominated you for “The WordPress Family Award”, you can find the criteria to accept here: if you would like to accept. Congrats!

  6. Again, a beautifully dark poem. Your emotions come through so piercingly strong. I hope you find the peace you’re looking for.

    • mckarlie says:

      Your feedback is so genuinely appreciated, thank you Chelsea. I haven’t been on WordPress much but I will be having a read through your entries soon, you have such a way with words. Thank you lovely 🙂

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