I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

I wish I could believe in God

on July 18, 2013

So many people I interact with on wordpress have faith, they have a relationship with God and talk often of it. I grew up in part raised by my Grandparents who were deeply religious people, especially my Grandfather, though they went to separate Churches, my Nan went to a quieter Uniting Church (under the anglican banner) and my Grandfather went to a lively Baptist Church. I was even a Sunday school teacher for a while, and believed in God without doubt. All the while, I was being abused by my Stepfather, I was being abandoned by my Mother and losing all my friends. I always felt like I was letting the side down when I was at Church, I saw all the godly people having these great personal relationships with God and I just didn’t feel it. So somewhere in my mid teens I became agnostic, I came to believe there could be a spiritual being out there, but I don’t believe there is an omni present God. I learned of all the contradictions in the bible, that being gay was a sin, so were many other things i consider to be normal parts of life. The bible was written thousands of years ago when life was very different, it was written by people who looked at the Romans and thought their ways sinful and wrong. It was written about Jesus by people who didn’t meet or know Jesus. And yet people base their whole lives on this book.

Don’t get me wrong, I fully respect everyone’s right to believe in God and I respect faith, it takes great strength to have faith in something that there is literally no proof of, and I’ve studied enough psychology to know that a collective reality is comforting to people, without God a lot of people would feel aimless and would break knowing that there may be just nothing, that when you die it’s possible you just die, that’s it.

I believe there are many great messages in the Koran as well as the Bible, be kind to one another, do unto others etc, and I try to live by these standards, but I just can’t bring myself to believe that God exists as the Church would have you believe, that if he truly loved us as much as he is meant to, that he would allow all of this suffering and pain that goes on in this world. I know as a parent, I give my children free will but if something was hurting them or someone was hurting them, there’s not a damn thing on this earth that could keep me from intervening. I also know that people are born Gay, it’s not a choice it’s just how a person is, it’s as natural as a man loving a woman, it doesn’t directly result in procreation, and the Romans were into it, so it must be bad….right? No. It’s not a sin.

I hope I’ve not alienated people, I genuinely wish I could believe in God and have faith. I recently started a friendship with a religious man who I thought was a good man, he got me thinking that God might truly be watching over me, but when he turned out to be a sleaze, it made me believe in God even less than before I knew him. I was the one that kept asking him to tell his wife of our friendship and he was the one that kept saying he couldn’t, yet in the same breath he’d speak of his love for his Lord. BLAH!

Anyway, just my thoughts. I’m sure faith is a great comfort to those who have it, and if God does exist and I’m wrong, I’m ok with that, I just can’t believe as things are.

23 responses to “I wish I could believe in God

  1. shoe1000 says:

    John Mellencamp says, “Always question your faith.” That is what I heard you just do. I write Ggod for a reason. I dont adopt the rules of a bunch of dead people telling me how life should be. Thanks for a wonderfully thoughtful all the way from down under.

    • mckarlie says:

      Yeah I have much more respect and understanding for those who have a personal relationship outside the constraints of the church and sanctity of religion. I’m not saying there’s not a God or Gods or something, I just can’t subscribe to Christianity’s version of things, especially when it breeds so much hate. Look at all the destruction caused in the name of God, it’s debilitating

  2. Calzorganics says:

    We have similar stories. I also abandoned a christian upbringing, but I still needed to put faith in something, feel connected to something bigger than myself. I turned to Buddhism. I am not a devotee of Buddhism, but I agree with living life with compassion. I also take great strength from nature and the universe. I believe there is energy all around us and it directs us wherever we go. When we follow the positive energy we have a happy life.

    • mckarlie says:

      Yeah there is definitely energy all around us, I’ve often wondered if our energy just dissipates or possibly exists after our bodies die. Thanks for your thoughts

  3. luciddream85 says:

    It’s a really honest blog about what you believe. I was raised Southern Baptist, and by Southern Baptist, I mean that if you walk a straight line and misstep even once, you’re going to hell. I had a Southern Baptist coworker tell me that because I had tattoo’s, i was going to hell. I told her that she’d be in the seat right beside me, because judging is a sin, and no sin is greater than another. She didn’t like that too much.

    It turned me away from church for a long long time. Then I realized something for myself. I don’t have to read the bible front to back, or even believe half of the shit that’s in there. I believe in God. I believe that He expects us to sin. I believe that salvation is the key to Heaven. I believe in doing kind things for people in need, or just because, or when I feel compelled to do it. I believe that that’s ALL I need to know to get through this life and into Heaven. An all-loving God wouldn’t condemn someone born gay. That’s insane. He creates life, but you’re going to doom this individual the second they get out of the womb, because no matter what you do, their choices are going to be the same. I don’t think so.

    I think the bible is a baseline teaching of how to live our life. People get confused and I think that if you don’t follow the bible to the “T”, you’re going to hell. That’s extremist views, and no way to live life. I think that you can fully believe in God, and have that comfort, and not be held down by the weight of an ancient book that was translated half a dozen times, shoved in our face, and we’re expected to just take it for what it says.

    My boyfriend is Agnostic. I’m deeply rooted in my faith that God exists, and always has. It makes for some really interesting debates. In the end, we respect each others differences, and we move on. When my grandmother passed three years ago, the things I experienced in her passing where on a whole different level, and actually brought me to closer in my faith than ever before. Maybe one day you can believe again, without the pressure of having to conform to a certain ideal.

    • mckarlie says:

      Yeah I honestly believe the bible was written to keep people in order, and in order thousands of years ago when times were very different. They didn’t know what we know now.

      See I’m happy for you, genuinely, that you have your faith. The only kind of ‘faith’ I have an issue with is that which impedes on others civil liberties or is just flat out wrong. I’m sure it’s a great source of comfort and I’m somewhat envious of that, I appreciate your input πŸ™‚

  4. Becky Bee says:

    Thanks for this honest blog-I think what you describe is something many people struggle with, and often. I certainly have…

    • mckarlie says:

      I’m nothing if not honest in my blog lol yeah it’s hard for me to reconcile these points, I don’t want to step on anyone’s faith I just wanted to put it out there πŸ™‚

      • Becky Bee says:

        glad you did! i reflex-crossed myself as i walked past church today then questioned the fact that i reflex-anything when it comes to what is meant to be a personal involvement in faith! :-s !

      • mckarlie says:

        Yeah I think in this day and age anyone connected to their community and sensibility in general has to make their faith about a personal relationship with God as opposed to the dogma associated with established religion. Times have changed, people need to change with them πŸ™‚

      • Becky Bee says:

        For sure! πŸ™‚

  5. bextc says:

    I can understand why you would envy those who have a devout belief if God. But are you envious of there relationship with God or just the fact that they have a belief? I have read a lot about many different religions in hopes that I too could find one that I could believe in whole heartedly, but have not found one faith that represents my outlook or personal beliefs. Keep searching. There maybe a religion out there for you that you have not discovered yet. As for me I am just content for now, to believe that there must be more than just this and that one day I may find out what that is.

    • mckarlie says:

      I guess it would be of the comfort faith would bring, believing that there is a plan amongst all this chaos that is life. I have tried quite a few religions and denominations within the same religion and nothing has fit thus far but I have an open mind, so I guess we shall see πŸ™‚

  6. enjoyed the post – and there seems to be a theme to the replies you have received. I shall add to that theme – I was raised in a deeply fundamentalist christian household and church environment which left me with a legacy of fear and anxiety – I have over the years tipped the bath tub up and poured most of the bathwater out while keeping the baby – i have found a god of grace and love as I’ve separated him from the dirty water of christianity – I can so relate to what you have written.
    I hope your stepfather got arrested and sentenced for what he was doing to you.I’m so sorry you had to endure that.

    • mckarlie says:

      No, no legal justice. She’s still married to the one who beat me. I don’t see them.

      Due to my mind issues I had a lot of paranoia about demons when I was young, I was left home alone a lot and my mind would fester. Maybe I had to not believe anymore for self preservation.

      • Not only do I understand that – but at the risk of sounding patronising ( and if i do please forgive me) I believe god does too – when I was caught up in my abusive marriage there came a time when I just couldn’t hold onto the so-called Christian values of marriage any longer – the strain and worry was killing me – so I said goodbye to god ( the one I was raised to believe in anyhow) as a matter of survival. Years Later I found a god of love and grace who understood that and picked me up, just loved me, and slowly taught he was nothing like the wrathful god I’d been raised to believe in – and even more slowly – I began to believe him

      • mckarlie says:

        No I don’t think you’re being patronizing but thank you for your caution, a lot of people can be very patronizing on the subject, if you don’t believe what they believe they assume its because you’re not clever enough which is ironic because these are the same people that think humans coexisted with dinosaurs. Honestly I believe there is something out there, I have felt things spiritually, I just don’t know that it’s omni God if you get me. I live by karma though, I believe in that.

      • I have no time for bible bashers – I grew up around them – bloody hell I was trained to be one lol – people who have a religion – of whatever kind – tend to have a sense of superiority and don’t mind making others feel small – to hell with that – !!! Each person’s journey is their own, each persons experience is valid and the faith each person finds that helps them through the oft confusing days on this planet is usually hard fought for and closely held – we all need a little peace of mind. I refuse to judge another person – lets just walk together and help each other out – life is hard enough !!!!!!!!!

      • mckarlie says:

        Yeah I think the most important thing is to be kind to each other and not judge, whether you believe in God or Mohammad or Buddha or you’re an atheist, we all need to be kind to each other. There’s not enough of it

      • ha ha preach it sister – have a great day – we are off out now – ive enjoyed talking to you x

      • mckarlie says:

        You too lovely, peace πŸ˜‰

  7. words4jp says:

    this is the first post i have seen with this discussion – i am not religious – no where near – i shun organized religion. i believe there is a someone/thing and i have faith in that sort of, but i have learned from my years of Catholic school and marrying (since divorced) into the Jewish religion – that I cannot have anything to do with religion. I respect it and certainly respect the fact that there is an incredible diversity amongst religions – but they are not for me.

    • mckarlie says:

      Yeah I think it’s safe to say organized religion is not what the sensible individual wants anymore, if it doesn’t adjust to acceptance over segregation and accept the basic human rights of all people then it will probably end up phased out over the next couple hundred years. The more information people have the more they seem to step away from the organization of church.

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