I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Bipolar makes relationships so freakin hard

on July 14, 2013

I think it’s the bipolar, i’m sure within myself i see the grey area and am fairly open minded, but bipolar can make things very black or white. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, we have been struggling a bit of late, but the last few months have been really great. I have been trying my absolute best and hardest to make things work and he has been putting in a lot of effort too, but when something comes up and i try to talk to him about it, i get a brick wall. He turns things around and tries to make me the bad guy, i’m not trying to make anyone the bad guy i’m just trying to talk, but i don’t know how much more i can take of this, we haven’t been on truly steady ground for a while now and i wonder just how far down the rabbit hole i’d fall if he wasn’t around. But I don’t know how much longer we can tread water, something’s got to give.

I think my bipolar has affected me in a way in which I am going to be a lonely person, people don’t flock around me as i share my opinions too freely, i don’t edit myself enough i just say what i think, and i can understand how this puts people off side. i have a handful of close friends but there’s only so far a friendship can go, there’s only so much of each others shit you will put up with in a friendship, so yeah, i’m feeling pretty alone.

He’s sitting out there in the lounge right now with the kids, i can’t bare to be in the same room with him at the moment because it makes me want to cry, so i’m hiding away in the bedroom writing and watching tv. Surely my kids have sussed that something is wrong, we usually all do things together, i don’t know what to do.

I’ve cancelled plans we had for today because there’s no way either of us can put a smile on our faces and make it through a social occasion, we aren’t even talking to each other i don’t feel like talking to everyone else and pretending everything is great.

I wonder if i was born with bipolar or if all the messed up shit that happened to me caused it, part of me thinks it’s the latter and i get angry at the people that did those things to me when i was young. i get angry at my mother for letting it happen ’cause now i’m a broken human who can’t make relationships work and who feels completely isolated from the world. Anyway, just my rant, it’s best to get this stuff out.

12 responses to “Bipolar makes relationships so freakin hard

  1. kwicksand says:

    I have been with my spouse for 28 years and he is bipolar! I know what it’s like all to well. Thanks for sharing this I know I am not alone at least for tonight on this topic!

    • mckarlie says:

      I’m sure it can be extremely hard. In this case I’m the one with bipolar, my meds have had me rational and friendly for months but sadly it’s still not enough, I still can’t talk to him so it looks like we are going to try a separation. Stay strong, he’s lucky to have you 🙂

  2. Breathless says:

    I have Bipolar Disorder and I’m in relationship too… It’s so damn hard. But it’s worth it. We mustn’t isolate ourselves from the society. Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel I can succeed in my relationship too.

    • mckarlie says:

      Yeah it can make it a lot harder but the support far outweighs the difficulties. I’m going to fix this, we can’t be separated we’re best friends. I just see things so black and white, all or nothing, I need to take time to see what’s in between.

  3. carmenw503 says:

    Pardon me but you’ve been married for what! 13 years! Say what now… how did you manage to last that long??? Guess what hun, you can make it last even longer!!!! I don’t know how but if you’ve gotten through 13 years together and have built a family together don’t let no stupid bipolar or your past drive a wedge between you and your happiness. Your friends will stay true if they are real, they’ll get upset if needs be but hey I’m sure they’ll understand or try as best they can. As for being lonely, heck you’ve got a family! Don’t tell yourself that or you’ll believe it. I hope things look up soon and go kiss your husband for crying out loud!!!!! Take care 🙂 🙂
    (just a rant in response to yours)

    • mckarlie says:

      We have made it this far with a buttload of hard work. And yeah I have two amazing kids which is something some people don’t have but I do still get lonely, they’re amazing girls and I wouldn’t swap them for a bazillion dollars but being a mum in itself can be somewhat isolating at times. I am positive 99 percent of the time but the other one percent I’m allowed to feel a little sorry for myself, we all do it, so long as I snap out of it it’s all good.

      He promised to work on communication and I apologized for my black and white thinking and getting too dramatic. Bipolar really does mess with a relationship but it’s possible to make it through if you monitor your own behaviors and compromise

      • carmenw503 says:

        Ok, I’m happy to know it’s not so frequent. Best wishes to you both. I admire your positive approach.

      • mckarlie says:

        Yeah we hardly ever fight but when we do it’s usually quite full on as the bipolar does make me very much all or nothing, are you bipolar?

        At the end of the day we know we can’t live without each other, we just forget now and again 🙂

      • carmenw503 says:

        No, I’m not bipolar but I’m pretty moody at times 🙂 I usually hide too at those times cause I tend to bite especially with sarcasm and it’s even harder to apologise- or maybe that’s my pride 🙂 I’m glad you guys find a way to work it always.

      • mckarlie says:

        Yeah I think pride is something that we all struggle with, sometimes just saying ‘I was wrong, I’m sorry’ is the hardest thing. He’s working hard on it though and I truly appreciate his efforts. Thanks for your input 🙂

  4. Kate is says:

    I understand your anger at the people who caused these things within you and I am sorry it’s difficult right now. 13 years is a wonderful success and I am glad you have someone dedicated to help you though 🙂

    • mckarlie says:

      Thank you kindly, what a lovely thing to say. It’s easy to feel like it’s all gone to pot when you have bipolar/depression, I think we can be hyper sensitive and the black and white thinking doesn’t help. But keeping myself in check and having a man who only wants me makes things a lot easier 🙂

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