mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Been up too long, waiting for the crash

on June 24, 2013

Does it make me pessimistic or realistic? We added a third medication to my mix about 5 weeks ago and unlike any anti D before it, this one picked me up almost instantaneously, I’ve been good and ‘up’ for five weeks now and because i’m bipolar, i’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and to turn into the miserable anxious git that i am when i’m down.

I’ve truly been amazed at my mood the last five weeks, i’ve been more patient, i’ve been writing so much, i’ve been more kind and loving, been having regular sex! once a week may not seem like a lot to most but after 12 years and the bipolar, i’ve had more sex in the last five weeks than i think i had collectively last year (my poor husband, he’s so patient).

I’ve started exercising again, been doing a couple of miles around the lake with a girlfriend then an extra couple laps on the weekend, started pilates as well, and this is what i do when i’m up. i’m go go go, i started at half eight this morning and at eleven thirty i’ve just sat down for the first time, i had to get a present for a birthday party my girls are going to this afternoon and in my mind it HAD to be an angry bird cause that’s what they requested so i ran myself ragged going to 5 different stores in many different places trying to find the perfect present, i mean this is for an eight year old, does she care that much? i guess i get a little obsessive about pleasing my kids sometimes, after the upbringing that i had.

does anyone else start to get worried when they’ve been in a good mood for ‘too long’? i don’t want to be a negative nancy but i’m really scared, i’m really scared it’s going to go away any moment now and i want to hold on to the productive, helpful, kind and fun person i am when i’m up, cause effectively i consider my up self to be my true self. when i’m down, i fret over every little detail of every thing that’s ever happened, especially at night, i lay in bed feeling guilty over how i treated someone ten years ago, or i worry about bills and other day to day nonsense, i get scared of everything, it’s like i’m made of glass, and any little negative thing makes me spiral into the deepest of downs. i hate myself when i’m like that, it’s like i start to believe all those times when i was a kid i was told i’m useless and worthless, it seeps out of every pore and i truly feel like a piece of shit.

Well, for now, i’m still good, i’ve only had one down day lately and that’s really something. so i’m just going to keep writing and getting it all out and hoping for the best, maybe this is my true self and the meds are just doing a really good job at maintaining that, who knows! fingers crossed!

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4 responses to “Been up too long, waiting for the crash

  1. MainaS says:

    I recognise what you’re describing for sure, and I’m constantly just trying to calm myself down when I get there because I know what’s coming next if I don’t. It’s a strange feeling (and very hard to describe to others) that I can never let myself get “too” happy!

  2. MainaS says:

    Reblogged this on Soundly crazy, sensibly moody, simply complicated and commented:
    This lovely lady posted a comment on my former blogpost and seeing as how she “got” me, I just had to check out her page as well. I wasn’t disappointed. Every single word and sentence (and the manic-like way of writing) describes an “up”. It’s nice to recognise what someone else has written rather than always have to try and explain it to others all the time.

  3. matrixilluminos says:

    i obsess about the swings, too….sheesh! it seems that the momentum of an UP always lifts me beyond what others deem “normal”, and that thought alone usually preicpitates the crasssshhhhhh:)

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