mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Being down and pulling yourself out

on June 19, 2013

I’m bipolar, I’m the kind of bipolar where I have major depressive episodes followed by shorter periods of being well, “extremely bubbly” – even when i’m down i can still have a good day here or there, and when i’m up i can still have a bad day here or there, but usually, i’m one or the other.

I woke up this morning in one of those moods, not the worst kind of darkness where you can barely function or eat or shower or get out of bed, just the standard depressed feeling, down, blue, in a funk. I have learned recently that while in this state, we have a great deal more power over ourselves than perhaps we lead ourselves to believe. For years I just accepted, I’m depressed, this is part of being depressed and i just went with the flow, I spent a lot of time avoiding my issues and not thinking about the negative things that have happened in my past, i smoked a lot of pot at night to avoid thinking about these things (for some reason things tend to get worse at night for me), and i guess i just accepted whatever mood i found myself in, wishing for happiness but not chasing it, not making an effort to actually attain happiness myself.

I think we need to give ourselves more credit than we do, when we get that feeling like we’re low and we don’t want to face the world, well this morning, against all my instincts i ended up getting out of the house and going shopping with a girlfriend, and now because i’ve been out in the sun and had social interactions, i’m not fully recovered or fully out of my funk, but i’m feeling a darn site better than i did earlier today.

So, when you’re low and not wanting to face the world or people in general, give yourself a kick in the backside and give it a chance. Choose someone that you don’t have to be dazzling around, someone who is ok if you’re a bit quiet or withdrawn, and do something simple and just get out, i promise you will feel more in control of yourself and thus better.

When I read about people feeling low or see it for myself, I just want to wrap the person in cotton wool and assure them it will be alright, i wear my heart on my sleeve and genuinely care how others are feeling, and for this reason i really hope this hits home with at least one person, because i’m 32 and i’m only just figuring this stuff out. i thought for so long that i was a victim and my illness is something terrible happening to me and i had little control, but you have more than you’d think. I wish everyone all the best with their own mental health struggles, and offer an ear to anyone experiencing something similar.

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