I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

Bipolar and the outside world

on June 7, 2013

I have always been ultra sensitive to how I’m treated by others. An argument with a friend or negative exchange will usually make me spiral temporarily, it feels like everything is so pointless and immaterial, that no matter how hard I try with people, they just don’t ‘get’ me at the end of the day. Then I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself, and so on it goes, my endless circle of ups and downs.

Just as a negative exchange can make me spiral downwards, positive encounters fill me with joy. Any kind of kindness or recognition truly lifts me up. I always assumed that this was a personality flaw and not synonymous with bipolar, but I’ve just seen on twitter that Stephen Fry seems quite unsettled at the responses he’s been getting to him telling the world of his suicide attempt last year, and it’s made me wonder, are these behaviors common amongst those with bipolar? Does it make us ultra sensitive to the input of others?

I keep wishing I could care less about so many things, like caring is an affliction, but when my emotional state is so dependent upon others, it is definitely unpleasant. Especially now with social media, people don’t talk how they used to talk, someone will “like” something instead of actually replying, or not reply at all because they have so many different means of communication happening at any given time. And every time someone does miss a text or tweet or whatever, I feel rejected and bad about myself.

Are others as invested in their surrounds as I am? Or is it just a flaw that plays out hand in hand with my bipolar?

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