mckarlie

I have happiness in my heart and a thorn in my soul

suicide: the saddest solution

on June 5, 2013

after doing my usual morning routine i sat down to read that stephen fry attempted suicide last year, and that paris jackson attempted suicide overnight. this makes me so sad. it was a few years ago i watched stephen fry’s documentary the life of the manic depressive, i identified with many of the stories and information so i went to my GP and said “i think i’m bipolar”, he got me to do some flimsy ten question thing and confidently stated ‘no, you’re not bipolar, you still have depression and anxiety’. it wasn’t till i started seeing my psychiatrist about a year ago and did a very long, in depth questionnaire and after doing so sat down with him and he said to me “have you ever suspected that you could be bipolar? because i strongly believe this is what you suffer from” – it was a dark time for me, and having a name for it, an identity for the shadows that stalk me shone a light on the dark places. it didn’t instantly cure me, but it gave me a starting place to learn more about my illness and triggers and tricks. i have always been thankful to stephen fry for being brave enough to make such a documentary, it may have taken a few years for the connection to be made with myself but if i hadn’t of watched it i would have blindly gone along with the wrong diagnosis.

i get the appeal of suicide, i really do. it’s not a place i go often, but i’ve been there more times than i care to admit. sometimes just existing seems to hurt so much that you can’t go on for another minute, it seems a chore just to breathe. you feel so alone and isolated, like nothing could possibly make things ok again, it just hurts so so much. and i know that in these times it can take every bit of strength a person has in them not to give in and quit, because that’s what it is, quitting life.

on the rare occasion i do get that low, it’s my kids that pull me through, i could never do that to them. and i think every one needs to find at least one thing to anchor themselves to, that one thing that makes them want to go on even when it feels like they can’t. i wish i could be there for anyone feeling this kind of pain, just to tell them that it passes, it always passes, it feels impossible right now but it always passes. and it’s only through such empty and sad times that i have come to appreciate any glimpse of happiness i get, any chance to feel good and positive is one that i hold onto for dear life, and when you live for those moments you’ll find yourself paying less attention to the pain.

so, search for happiness. for me it’s the little things, a kind gesture from a friend, an entertaining article, a blog post i really relate to, anything, find happiness wherever you can and focus on that. when the darkness comes, don’t allow it the power to end your life, experience it, hold onto your anchor and you will always make it through.

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2 responses to “suicide: the saddest solution

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